If the world wasn't ending || LeviHan

》Chapter 13《

PoV: Hange

I had no idea why I did what I did, particularly why I let this be happening at a moment like this. A moment where nothing was stable any longer.
The risks of one of us dying were way too high to waste precious time we probably didn't have any longer. The war was going to close in on us until everything would be in destruction and flames, almost all life cleared out of sight. Out of existent.

Were they watching us from the other side? The paths? Was I making them proud..? Moblit, who could have been alive if it wasn't for me, Erwin who died for all our sake to let the mission succeed, and all the other veterans and squad members we had over long years, if not decades.

Maybe if this was a different reality, a different way of life and chance where surviving wasn't solely a gamble, it would have been okay for me to do what I did. Perhaps I wouldn't be having these feelings of guilt.

If there was one thing I learnt from the time I spent with Erwin, it was that your dreams can either result in your death and without discovery, or be your reason to live on. Even if they sounded stupid or unnatural or even completely impossible.
He was wise. Wiser than I was and would ever be. Perhaps it was simply because I wasn't a phenomenal leader just like he appeared to be, but honestly? If someone had given me a choice, I would probably have been just as selfish and sacrifice myself in burning flames of a blast down that sky instead of the people that actually mattered to me. The soldiers that died for my sake and all the ones alive now.

I missed them. Every single one, even though it has been years and I should have moved on already.

Feeling tears well up in my eyes just by the memories and everything that came up right this second, I wiped over my eyes under my glasses, putting them down for a second.

"Are you okay?" I heard Levi ask faintly, his voice sounding distant even though I was aware of him being right next to me.
It was like I couldn't respond, like my mind and skin was burning flames which licked on my guilt and regrets, one tear eventually rolling down my cheek when I couldn't act fast enough to catch it in time.

"Oi, Hange." Levi said again, him sounding even more away now. I was always hoping no one could be able to see what was going on inside of me because I felt like I didn't deserve the given attention to it.
Maybe I was wrong, but maybe I was not.

Covering my mouth with one of my hands, I closed my eyes to not let out more, it was like it had been my turn with having my emotional wall break down.

"Hange." Levi said quietly, but closer to my ear by now so I could understand him more clearly.

"Sorry." I gave back muffled due to my hand, shaking my head weakly, not opening my eyes yet because I was aware I'd have a whole ass break down if I did. And that over nothing.

"Don't apologize, idiot." I was able to feel him wiping a tear away from my cheek before putting one arm around my shoulder, rubbing it a tad.

"I'm sorry, I'm not right for this, I'm sorry it wasn't me who left, it should have been Erwin all along not me, I'm sorry." It broke out of me before I felt hot tears come up my eyes again, a choked sob leaving me when I tried to suppress it, causing me to lean on Levi automatically, my face buried in his chest as I was still kneeling on the ground more or less, my legs already hurting.

"You were the right choice, Hange. Stop talking shit about yourself when you already achieved more than anyone else could have." He smacked my head a little but rather softly so it wasn't actually hurting as I was able to feel his heartbeat speed up a little.
"It wasn't a mistake, you deserve to live just like everyone else fighting here, even if it means to be in this shitty forest with you until you say you want to go back." He raised my head with his healthy hand on my cheek so I'd look at him.
"Alright?"