If the world wasn't ending || LeviHan

》Chapter 18《

Pov: Levi
Time skip: another few days later, the rumbling

I stared up at the sky, a shaking coming upon the ground beneath me, causing my still weak legs to almost collapse repeatedly. It was similar to an earthquake, just that everything seemed blood red and a hot feeling came from everywhere.
If I hadn't been selfish for once, I'd have fought in the middle of it right now. Maybe I would be dying in this moment.

I knew I was scared when those old fears ran through my head again, when I heard the taunting, numb memories of the past. Even when I was a skinny kid knowing how to stab someone before I could even spell my name without thinking. These bad memories cut loose their chains and invaded my confidence in myself, circling around the persona I had built since those times.
So when my thoughts tumbled down that deep cliff again just by the sight of the blood slashed sky, I gazed back down to the ground. I couldn't bear it any longer. Not without taking action. I knew what I promised, I remember what I did, but perhaps I would always stay the same.

I was scared to fail and end up making all those deaths unreasonable, yet at the very very time I was scared to succeed in my doings. I didn't want to be lonely. But I also didn't want to be a burden. Somehow every step I took turned out to be a path between two fears, being scared was just part of the course.

Another louder rumble was audible and shook the earth, making me holding onto the tree next to me with one hand so I could stand. This was insane. All of this.

"Levi! What are you doing?!" Hange's panicking voice broke through the thunder caused by more and more colossal titans appearing in Paradis, the heat getting almost unbearable around us already. And we weren't even close.

I was too mesmerized to respond, too frozen on my spot to move. Could they be seeing us right now and think how much of an embarrassment we were for hiding out instead of fighting for our people? Our friends? The other scouts that did feel like the only closer thing to a family?

"We need to go deeper or we'll be hit eventually, please come on!" They sounded more and more desperate with every word that left their mouth until I felt them pull on my arm.

I should move. Why was I so useless?
I never felt this way.

"Snap out of it!" Hange now clapped with their hands in front of my face, causing me to blink a few times before shifting my gaze towards them. Their hair was standing in every direction whilst their clothes appeared to be partly ripped as if they had landed in a bush of thorns. Not to mention the look in their eyes. The usually so calm and exciting expression had disappeared and got replaced by desperation and panic, a tear eventually rolling down their cheek and making me finally realize what I could be causing right now.

"I'm sorry." I muttered in confusion, taking the hand they held out since a while now and already being pulled after them deeper into the forest. How was I even able to run? I wasn't even capable of feeling my legs any longer due to my injuries and pain in those.

Hange turned around to me with their head from time to time as if they were assuring themselves I was still present. Of course I was here, just.. out of it.

"There! Come on!" They pointed at a way that went below earth and I felt my heart beat up my chest right away.

Just the pure look of that thing leading underground already gave me enough to make me want to rather die than relive it. Now I had no choice. Either I'd die and also end up disappointing Hange, or I went in and had to live through my past once again.
I wasn't a coward.

I gave them a short nod, basically jumping into it with them and hitting the dirty ground down in it, everything appearing muffled out of all sudden.
Then darkness around us.