lunch time // seungjin

五十二

"even if i steal all of your strawberries?" seungmin joked as his hand found its way into hyunjin's fluffy hair, he ruffled the older boy's fluffy hair and let out a small laugh. 

even though this was supposed to be a happy moment, hyunjin's heart ached from how bright seungmin smiled, knowing that behind that smile hid a painful past.

"min do you trust me?" hyunjin started off, with the soft approach. 

with some sort of hesitancy and tension in the air, seungmin looked in hyunjin's eyes for a brief moment before nodding his head, giving the older boy a small nod. 

he hesitated, hyunjin thought. 

"then... tell me about your pa-"

"no." seungmin cut in, even before letting hyunjin finish.

seungmin turned his head away in the opposite direction, biting hard on his lip, the thought of sharing about his past, completely shook him up. he felt as tears brink on his lower eyelid, stupid tears, stupid feelings, stupid life, i should just die.

to say it didnt hurt would have been a lie, but if seungmin wasnt ready hyujin wasnt about to push for it. hyunjin understood, completely, that sharing about a traumatic past was never easy but the fact that seungmin didnt trust him seemed to hurt his heart more than anything.

who am i to think i deserve his trust, after being an asshole. hyunjin smiled weakly as he felt the excruciating pain spread from his chest down to his abdomen, up his throat. 

hyunjin never truthfully learned how to express himself, how to love. growing up in a rich family definitely formed a part of his personality, having to always be up to everyone's expectations, needing to be the 'perfect' child that everyone's mother compared their children to. making choices was never a privilege he had. 

to him, giving someone attention is the correct way of loving, since he himself rarely received any. sweeping everything under the carpet, by partying, playing with people's feelings, watching as they got hurt, gave him a sense of assurance that he was not alive in this painful world alone.

yeah. hiding everything works.

"sorry for making the atmosphere so tense," hyunjin apologised quietly. maybe i just dont deserve love?

"lets get tacos, catch up a little with the boys?" hyunjin said as he attempted to lift the mood once again. 

"yeah sure." seungmin mumbled, deliberately getting off the couch. he nervously looked around the house, then awkwardly back at hyunjin. with an inner sigh, seungmin breathed in a forced a smile back on his face, letting his eye smiles show.

"alright lets get to the car." seungmin announced, trying to hype hyunjin up with him too. leading the way, he bent down to grab hyunjin's hand, tugging lightly.

yeah hwang hyunjin, you got this. 

smiling back brightly at seungmin, hyunjin stood up with the support of seungmin. seungmin turned and started walking, tightening his grip on hyunjin's hand to pull him along. instead, hyunjin stood at his position, not moving. 

he tugged lightly on seungmin's hand, waiting for the younger boy to turn, he took a deep breath.

"i like you." 

two more weeks of tests and im free 😩😩
okay we all got this, today is going to be a good day

unchecked