"I'm sorry, I don't know why I do. I think there might be something poisoning my mind" I feel like I should be ashamed but I've done worse so I'm immune to the feeling. Still, I feel bad.
"It's okay" he licks his ice cream
"Don't excuse my behavior...
According to my ex therapist, there's two types of guilt.
The good guilt: The one you want to feel. When you do something wrong, when your hurt someone so bad you feel this remorse. Almost as if it makes you a better person to regret such evil things.
The bad guilt: The guilt that you shouldn't have to feel. If someone asks a favor from you and you don't want to do it but you'd feel guilty if you denied. This is the bad guilt.
My problem is that I don't feel either good or bad guilt.
"I'm going to go to Huening Kais recital tonight do you want to come?" Soobin asks me one day while we're at his dorm chilling. I'm standing by the open window wearing nothing but his boxers while I smoke a cigarette.
"Let me guess he plays the piano" I scoff before taking a drag
"He does! But this recital is for his violin"
"Of course" I blow my smoke towards him instead of the open window. He makes a face but doesn't say anything about it. He never does. "I'll go" I smile
...
Later that night I was finishing getting ready while thinking about how much I hate Kai.
I know he hates me too, I can see it in the way his smile falters a bit whenever I'm near.
It's no surprise that we despise each other actually, aside from both of us wanting soobin we're both perfect.
He's perfect
And I'm a perfect mess
I know recitals are supposed to be formal but I'd rather die before being caught in a tux like Soobin so I put on some pink shorts and a white grafic tee that said "Always Late"
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I didn't wear sock with my white vans.
My fingers tap against the flat surface of my vanity as I stared at myself.
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I'm bored. Life has been too calm lately. I hardly go out drinking anymore because Soobin prefers that I drink at his where I'm 'safe' and he's been so fucking nice to me lately, like dude at least pick a fight with me or something.
