"I'm sorry, I don't know why I do. I think there might be something poisoning my mind" I feel like I should be ashamed but I've done worse so I'm immune to the feeling. Still, I feel bad.
"It's okay" he licks his ice cream
"Don't excuse my behavior...
I'm meeting up with the group to study, naturally Beomgyu is coming. I have to pick him up though since he's been skipping class for like a month now. I wonder when he'll drop out.
I'm waiting for him in my car outside of his house; thinking about the deal we made last night.
True to my word I haven't smoked a single cigarette. Of course I have the want but I'm busy enough to not think about it.
When Beomgyu comes out he's in black sweats and wearing a black hoodie of mine. His whole head of hair tucked inside an orange beanie.
"Sup" he gets in the passenger side.
"Hey" he doesn't smell like alcohol
I hear it's best to not even mention the substance when someone is recovering so I don't. I treat it like a normal day and him and I are on the way to my study group. Yeonjun, Taehyun,and Kai are already seated and waiting.
Walking up to the steps of the library I glance at beomgyu. He looks pale still, hair flat over his forehead, and still even wearing his plaid pajama bottoms, and black over sized shirt, green crocs and gold rings on all of his fingers
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I noticed his hands were shaking, his left hand closed, nails digging into his palms. He must have noticed me looking because he then moves that hand to rest inside of his pocket.
It's been 24 hours since he hasn't drank, there's no doubt he's already experiencing withdrawals. Should I have brought him around Kai? Those two can barely be around each other when he's drunk, what would it be like sober?
"I don't like when you look at me as if I could fall apart any second. It's insulting to me" they're inside the library now, the group seating in the middle of the reading area. Taehyun, Yeonjun, and Kai all sat on one side leaving the other side for the couple.
"Oh look who finally decided to show" Kai jokes.
"He's always 23 minutes late because he's picking me up" I'm sure deep down, Beomgyu isn't as mean as he shows... right?
"Well we can't start until everyone is here and I'm not wanting to be here all night" Kai smiles. I quickly grab Beomgyus hand and drag him into the book cases.
"Are you sure it's a good idea for you to be here while withdrawing?" I asked him in a lower tone so no one would hear our conversation.
I guess I must have said something stupid because Beomgyu looks at me like he can't believe how stupid I am. He lets out a dry laugh.
"Look I hate him even when I'm drunk. It's a mutual understanding."
"Beomgyu I'm being serious right now" I must have stressed it enough because he lets out a sigh of defeat.
"Okay fine I'm just gonna be laying in the bean bag section listening to Bored Nothing" he throws up a peace sign and storms off.
I'll check on him I'm exactly 15 minutes. He's withdrawing and I'm the one who brought him here so I have to make sure he's okay.
-Beomgyus POV-
I'm laying on the floor, Bored Nothing at full volume in my ear buds as I flip through a comic book. I have a shit headache and it's so fucking bright in here, I'm covering my eyes with the comic book. It's shit but I already knew this would happen. When I was in the hospital I was obviously forced sober.
I'm also dissociating, the pages were blurrying in and out of focus and felt as if I was watching my life through a window.
A shot and a half of vodka would take away the headache for sure, and I would still be sober since my tolerance is so high...
Fuck, I think I felt an ant bite me. I hit my arm and try to focus on the comic book again but then I feel another ant bite me, and another, and another.
I pull up the sleeve arms of my hoodie. There's no ants on me but I can feel them and they're fucking biting me. I get up to go to the bathroom and wash my arms.
On the way there I pass Lia, the girl who's pony tail I cut off. Her hair was in a cute bob but she was obviously pissed when I walked by. She works here so I see her quite a bit. Today though...
I pass her and I hear her snort a laugh. I immediately turn around.
"What are you laughing at" I scratch my arm because the ants are still biting me.
"You look shit"
"And you're a bitch"
"Why are you scratching at your arm?"
"Fuck off" I turn around to continue to the bathroom but she doesn't stop talking
"I heard you're an alcoholic" I turn around and the words spill out of my mouth like venom.
"And you're an annoying pick me girl who got an STI in the 9th grade"
"At least I have talent and my personality doesn't revolve around drugs. You look like Shit when you withdraw" my head is pounding, the ants are ducking biting me and I feel like I could actually hurt her right now.
Somewhere in this mess Soobin gets to me. He gets to me before anything bad can happen, wraps an arm around my waist and the other holds my right wrist to my side because I didn't realize I was scratching so hard my skin was begging to tear.
"And that's our cue to leave" his chest is pushed against my back as he guides me out. This calms me down but the ants are still there.
It's beginning to rain and the sun has long set. We get in his car and he turns it on but we sit there for a second.
"Are you okay?" He asks me
"Yeah" I say
"Are you sure?"
I let out a sigh "well it's not like I have any other choice" he knits his brows together
"What is that supposed to mean"
"I don't know..." I don't even know what I'm talking about.
"Do you want to go home?"
"And waste the moonlight? Not a chance"
"Okay we'll I'm starving so let's go eat"
...
We're back at the diner and the both of us repeated our previous orders.
"You sure you're not hungry?"
"No"
"I don't really ever see you eat..." Soobin gets really serious it's kind of cute.
"Yeah so what"
"Are you... struggling?" I finally realized what he was getting at. It's made me laugh out loud.
"No it's not like that. I'm always a little intoxicated or sober and trying to feel like a person so there just isn't a lot of time to eat" I explain
"We'll hopefully once your withdrawals are done with you can pig out with me because I always feel like a fatass when I eat alone"
Soobin is actually a really good person. He's not perfect by any means, and he puts up with me which basically proves there's something fucked with him; but he makes me feel like a person. Hell I'm even trying to get sober because he asked!
It sucks because I'm going to let him down. I can try to stay sober but I already know how it's going to end. Life has a funny way at reminding me why I need to get fucked up.
"Do you think I look ugly because I'm withdrawing" I ask Soobin.
"Is that what Lia told you"
"No it's what I'm asking you"
He rolls his eyes and looks at me "I think you look ethereal when you're sober"
