{satire}
"i can destroy everyones pussy in this room, apart from yours. It's very frustrating."
Lilah Buttercup is a quirky, shy and goofy girl who's beauty outshines anyone in her path. She's not the type to fall for a bad boy like Malfoy... but so...
The last days fluttered by just like my pussy flutters whenever I see Filch.
The Sheeran's, Hermione and Harry had all fucked off to grim old place; Tonks sent me a letter saying she would meet me at the station and i instantly got wet at the thought of her.
I let out a moan at the sight of the house and Tonks gave me a 🤨 look before queefing delicately. We strutted seductively towards the house and could hear violent moans cumming from inside, it sounded like Sirius and Remus were really getting it on.
We walked into the house and Hermione immediately fell down the stairs being the goofy queen she is. Fred and George suddenly appeared next to me, fully nude and they were PACKIN. Immortal orphan and Ron Sheeran came and put their arms around my shoulders,
"Sup Big Booty Buttercup" Ginny said leaning against the wall. Her legs were slightly shaky.
"Gin are you alright?" I asked.
Molly cartwheeled into the hallway and said "don't worry about her, she just got fingered by her new girlfriend! She's your age Li and is joining Hogwarts this year so Ginny bet too get prepared!!"
"MUM WHAT THE-"
"A girlfriend huh? What's her name?" I asked, twirling my butthole hair between my fingers.
Ginny blushed, "she's called Lo-"
"JINGLE BELLS, LILAH SMELLS, GWENDIE CUMS ALL DAY, SEXY SIRI LOST HIS WILLY ON THE MOTORWAY HEY!" I jumped at the sudden interruption, and looked up to see my sister Gwen running down the stairs.
"GWENDOLINE" i yelled before leaping into her arms, I hadn't seen her since I left for Hogwarts at the end of my third year at Ilvermorny. She pulled me into a tight embrace and I smelt her shart perfume.
"There's my favourite member of the family" she smiled.
"Did you say family?"
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🎶Aunque digan que soy🎶
— Boxing day
I woke up on and went downstairs to find Gwen and Tonks scissoring on the kitchen table, so I turned around and decided to go ask Hermione about something.
I barked as I opened the door, to find her doing the renegade dance.
"Oh hey! Just being a bad bleep" she said as I stepped inside.
"H-h-h-h-h-hermione...." I said nervously, "that story you told me... the one about the P-p-p-p-pussy Destroyer... well I-"
Hermione's face suddenly went pale. "...you didn't have sex with Malfoy did you?" She gulped, swallowing the cum in her mouth.
"Yeah but-"
"LILAH!? you daft dimbo... I told you what happened.. oh my gosh..." She got up abruptly and started pacing around the room, biting her toenails anxiously.
"Hermione wait!" I grabbed her shoulder, "I'm fine!" Hermione slowly turned around, confused.
"So.. your folds arent fried? Your vulva hasn't vanished? Your pubes haven't perished? Your clit hasn't combusted?"
"No. No i'm fine Hermione.. I'm fine..."
She chewed her kneecaps in thought.
"Of course..." She suddenly spoke, her buttcheeks lighting up with a sudden realisation. "Did you ever read the tales of Bumhole the Bard as a child?"
"No.. My mum only read Harry Styles Mafia fanfictions to me..."
"My mum did that too... but i found this on this shelf the other day" she said, grabbing a brown book off the shelf.
She flicked through the pages before landing on page 69.
"Once upon a time, about 500 years ago. Three magical people walked this earth. A Slytherin, named Vibrator Malfoy. A Gryffindor named Rebecca Brown. And a Hufflepuff named Eleftheria Moonshine.
"These three wizards were very horny, and one day came face to face with the Moaning God. This God decided to grant these three each a magical ability.
"The first wizard, Vibrator Malfoy asked for the power of having a humongous penis, that could destroy any pussy. So the Moaning God granted this wish. He became The Pussy Destroyer
"The second witch, Eleftheria Moonshine asked for the power of an infinitely strong pussy that can snap like a venus fly trap. So the Moaning God granted this wish. She became The Cock Cruncher.
"The third witch was more cunning, and instead asked for the power of interception. In order to stop The Cock Cruncher and The Pussy Destroyer from making the ultimate child, she would be able to seduce one of them until they'd fall in love with her. So the Moaning God granted this wish. She became The Interception.
"But the Moaning God couldnt have this power passed on to every single child, so they made a deal with the three wizards, making this power only transfer to the person thirteen generations down the line.
"However, Eleftheria had other ideas. She had fallen in love with a man named William Buttercup. The pair got married, making her Eleftheria Buttercup.
"Rebecca Brown went on a full rampage and locked herself in her house for weeks. Nobody knew what she was up to, all the villagers heard were moans and squelches every evening.
"On her death bed, Rebecca kept a necklace with the letter 'R' on it, a watermelon scrunchie and a branch of Lavender."
Hermione's eyes were sparkling. "Eleftheria Moonshine..." she said, "Married William Buttercup! Buttercup Lilah!"
"So you're saying that..."
"You're the cock cruncher Lilah! And you and Draco shagging must've meant it cancelled out... it's just maths!"
