Broken Start// b. barnes

He's Gone

Anticipation creeped up on me as I watched Steve drag his feet behind him with tears streaming down his cheeks. Then worry joined anticipation when he stopped in front of me. Without knowing, I gripped onto Bucky's dog tags around my neck. I didn't see as the others had Dr. Zola and were going to put him in one of the underground cells.

"Steve?" My voice cracks but I didn't care. "Where's Bucky? Where's my Sarge?"

The Captain didn't answer instead more tears manage to roll down his crestfallen face. Fear washed over me as the worst possible scenarios flashed through my mind at his silence. My eyes weld up in tears at the possibility that I didn't want to accept.

"Steve! Where's James?" I demand loudly. A few heads turn our way but it didn't matter because I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted to know what happened. I had to release the necklace, afraid I might break it with my strength as my emotions got the best of me.

Slowly, Steve's red-rim eyes met mine. His chin starts to wobble as his mouth opens. "Bucky... Something happened on the mission that went down hill." He muttered. But I heard every word clearly. "I tried, Kitara. I really did. I almost had him in my grasp." Steve looked away. Whether in shame or guilt or to stop the tears from coming down. "Bucky fell off the train, Kitara. He's—He's dead." A sharp intake of air was all it took for a lonesome tear to slide down my cheek. "I'm sorry."

I didn't want to believe him. I didn't want to accept that he could be telling the truth. But, then, I would be lying for Steve never told a lie. Yes, he keeps secrets but he never lies. I shook my head frantically in denial.

"Get away from me." I whisper as he starts to reach out for me. His hands touch my shoulder but I roughly shoved them away. "Don't touch me, Steve!"

I took a couple of steps back feeling my powers start to get out of control. It was like shaking a soda bottle then popping off the top to watch it explode. My hands shook violently and my heart pounded in my chest. Bile rose up my throat but I quickly swallowed it back down. Bells ringing in my ears blocked the frantic shouts around me. My vision blurry by the tears. I tried to keep my abilities at bay.

That's when it hit me — he won't be coming home. We won't be able to get married. He isn't going to meet his unborn child. My fist clenched even tighter by my sides. Bucky broke his promise. He's not going to raise Blue. He's not going to be by my side forever. He's gone. Bucky is not coming back to me. But most importantly... I never told him about my pregnancy. Thunder rumbles throughout the sky causing rain to pour all around me. 

My body ran cold, not because of the rain but because reality hurts. Warm liquid spilled through my fists but I didn't care. It didn't bother me as it matched my mood. I squeezed my eyes shut. The cap that was closed tight on the bottle was starting to loosen.

Bucky left me alone. Something that he promised he would never do... but unknowingly, he did. After the anger that I pushed onto Bucky for dying faded — self blame replaced his friend. I blamed myself for not predicting this. For preventing this event from ever happening. I should have stopped him from going on this mission. I should have gone with them. 

I should have; I should have; I should have — repeats in my head like an old tune.

This same event happened just like Blue. Pregnancies prevent me from having visions. And every time I'm pregnant someone I love gets hurt or taken or dies... and I can't stop that from happening. I can't choose a different path. But I can't blame the baby. The future bundle of joy that is growing in my stomach. No, the only person to blame is me for getting pregnant in the first place.

Lightening flashed across the sky causing the ground to shake from the force. Somewhere amongst the chaos I heard Steve shout my name.

All the regrets, all the grief, all the 'what ifs...?', all the 'I should have's...', were too much. And, finally — almost like relief —, the cap popped off.