My heart bleeds on paper

CHAPTER TWELVE

Dear me, I want to tell you thank you. For putting up with the pain, the loss, the struggle, the trauma. I'm mad that you've decided to let them consume you but I'm glad that you'll finally be free and at peace with the ones you miss and love the most. How was it? How did you feel pretending you're not falling into the deep end, pretending to need people, pretending to hold on, pretending you're not holding hands with your darkness... How was it?
Thank you for trying to live just once more instead of existing that way you have no regret when you go. Do you want to go though? Are you ready to leave? What about everyone you'll leave behind, won't you hurt them when you leave?. I've come to terms with the unforgiving and hate they may have towards me because it's better than burdening them with a waste of space that is me. I'll extend their love to mum, sister and that boy that stole my heart; I'll them him that I met someone else who was trying to sneak into the black and white that is my soul and he was succeeding but I won't let him waste his love on a lost cause, a lost cause that's going to sleep soon. So thank you so much I know it's retarded writing a letter to myself but I wanted you to know that you tried and I'm proud and I forgive you but it's time to rest, allow the darkness takeover but make sure you see blue stars while you do.

           Love, You

I finished the letter to myself and folded it and kept it in one of my clutch bags while trying to control the tears that kept leaking out of my ears, bloody thing stained my letter and now it's trying to flood my senses.

"Young lady are you planning to stay in all day?" Ogochukwu calls from outside and I hurry to clean my tears "I'm coming out" I yell as i arrange myself in the mirror before coming out

 
"I'm ready" we decided to go find outfits for the exhibition next week and by we I mean him, apparently he's big on shopping would have thought

"Wait, Ala" he holds me still then gently angles my body to face his and I immediately look down
"Look at me... Please" he says and I slowly raise my head up
"Were you crying? What's wrong?" I couldn't answer I just stare at him as I realised how grateful I was for letting me feel it means again to be alive even if it's for just a short while and once again the riverbanks in my eyes let loose and water started leaking

"Can I hug you?" He asks but I don't answer so he hugs me anyway and I just bask in his warm embrace and pray to heavens that he doesn't waste his love on me
"Do you love me?" I ask him my voice a little muffled from the hug. He releases me and looks at me intently "what is it?" He asks again
"Do you love me?" I asked again looking at him silently begging for him to say no
"I do, haven't I told you before? Is that why you're crying? Because you think I don't love you?"
I shake my head a no
"Then what's wrong?" He asks again
"I'm just a moment Ogochukwu, I'm fleeting very quickly so can you just let me pass you by" I tell him
"What?"
"All I'm saying is don't waste your love on me, what if you don't heal from the damage?"
He eyes me seriously then replies "that is my choice to make Ala, allow me make it so I can take responsibility for whatever the outcome will be" he said it so sincerely that i just wanted to hang myself because i can taste the hurt he will feel. i know the feeling firsthand, i know what it can do to a person, how it can change a person. Please dear Lord, please keep his heart and his love safe away from me - i pray in my heart

"Why do you plan on hurting yourself?" I ask
"Why do you plan on not letting yourself live?" His retort made me inwardly choke. I know he didn't mean it literally but it just hit me so hard because it's a hidden truth only I know. I clean my tears and straighten myself, loosing myself from his embrace
"Let's go before I change my mind on the shopping" I say quickening my step so I can create distance between us

"we're having dinner after the shopping" I pretend not to hear him though I know it's of no use seeing as he's hard-headed and also the driver.

We we're done with the shopping and I was waiting in the car for Ogochukwu who excused himself to go get something. I take in the view of everything and use my phone to capture some I was so caught up in the moment that I didn't notice his presence till he knocked on the window making me jump.
"Sweetheart you're driving" he takes my hand and puts the key in it. I was meant to say no, I was meant to tell him that I will not be able to move this car from its resting position... But I didn't. I instead took the keys and quietly came down from the passengers seat and quietly moved to drivers' seat.

I sit in and close the door, I put on my seat belt and all but my mind was running faster than Usain Bolt; 'what if we have an accident?', 'what if we end up in a hospital', ' what if we end up dead', 'what if only him dies after the accident? He'll hunt my mind too? 'We'll have an accident and he'll not survive, he'll leave too... He can't leave, I don't want him to'.
I didn't know my hands were shaking till Ogochukwu held it. He looked me in the eye telling me  "it's alright, no pressure, we can try another time when you're more comfortable okay?" he freed one of his hand and caressed my face with it as he spoke. I lean into his touch as they soothed my nerves then i nod my head and release the keys from my hand handing it back to him before trying to take a breather.