My heart bleeds on paper

CHAPTER TWENTY

Ogochukwu,

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say to you except i'm sorry. I wish i could say so much but for some reason my thoughts are so jumbled up that all i can do is apologise. I am so sorry that i couldn't stay. I don't even bloody know why i'm writing this but i just want to apologise if not for anything atleast letting you pour so much love inside a cup that is filled to the brim with pain. I know i'm being selfish but please don't hate me too much. Thank you for loving me selflessly and i apologise that i didn't know how to receive nor reciprocate it. Thank you for coming into my life, thank you for being my breathe of fresh air.

I love you.

I couldn't breathe. I stayed put looking at the rumpled paper in my hand and slowly my vision started to get blurry. My breathing became ragged and just like that i started hyperventilating again.

Immediately we arrived at the hospital she moved to the ER. We're at the waiting room hoping for the doctors to come out with good news and for the life of me time seems to be crawling and fear is seriously clawing at my hope.

"Tamuno-Ala" i whispered her name. I couldn't stand, i wasn't breathing well, and it just seemed like my brain was in overdrive and i couldn't control y body anymore.

I tried walking outside but as i moved i collapsed to the ground. My body decided to pause functionality at that moment. Why would she? How could she? Ala please! was all that kept swirling in my thoughts. I heard my name so i looked at the location the sound was coming from

"Ogochukwu i think you're having a panic attack" the voice which i found belonged to Zainab told. Her face was completely tear stained and it solidified the fact that it wasn't a sick joke. Ala is at the emergency room. That thought didn't aid my attack at all, it worsened it.

"Breathe in, breathe out, take it slowly. From your nose through your mouth. Breathe in from your nose and out from your mouth" she kept saying with more tears streaming down her face.I knew the drill but it was like my brain couldn't remember it, so i follow her taking long shaky breaths hoping to calm myself down. Ayo helped me get to my feet and set me by his side.

"I understand but please take it easy. You're doing okay, everything will work out, calm down" he says while Zainab pats my back.

After a while i became mostly okay just then the doctor came out to see us.

"Miss Levi-Browns's family?" he calls and we stand to answer. From his stride i could ascertain that she wasn't gone... at least not yet.

"We're done with the difficult part. She lost a lot of blood to which you're already aware of. if she had come any later than when she did it may have been a different story. She's stable but the rest is up to her" he informs us

"What do you mean up to her?" Zainab asks

"She is in coma, and we can't ascertain when or if she will wake up" He says

"Please can we see her?" i ask and he nods a yes then proceeds to direct us to her room.

We enter her room, there she is laying perfectly still hooked up to oxygen masks and other machines. We move slowly to both sides of her bed. I was on her left side while Ayo an Zainab were on her right side. She's laying perfectly still, for the first time since i knew her i held her hand she didn't protest or respond in anyway and for the first time i wished she would slap my hand away from hers or make a face or give me the side eyes, anything,anything at this point will suffice, anything apart from her unresponsive body.

"I'm so scared" Zainab starts. Ayo and i move her gaze to Zee's "if she really didn't want to stay in the first place, i'm scared she might not want to wake up" she finishes, lining the last four words with a sob.

I was scared too. What Zainab said scares the hell out of me, and by the looks on Ayo's scares him too. Ever since this whole ordeal started he hasn't said much not even when he read her letter to him. He didn't say anything and that on its own is scary.

"she'll wake up, she has to" was all Ayo said before excusing himself out of the room.

I kneel beside her bed, take her hand in mine and i pray to God for he to send her back to us even if she's eager to leave. he should just blatantly tell her no.

"Please Ala, wake up" i sigh.

FOUR DAYS LATER

It's been four days. she hasn't shown any signs of waking up or even wanting to wake up. The doctor says she's stable. What Ala said some days ago haunts me. I Every waking minute i'm filled with fear that she really won't come back to us, to me.

Ayo, Zainab and I take shifts to stay with her so she won't be alone when she wakes up. The last time he woke from a coma she lost 3 people. Everyone is being extra careful not to get even a scratch on them so she won't wake up to being devastated.

"Ala, i'm not sure if you can hear me but if you can please don't go. We miss yo so much you have no idea. Please Ala, you can't tell me i love you on paper and decide to leave me. Please wake up, i need you to say it to my face with your lips. Ala please wake up"

We talk to her hoping it'll make her want to stay. We don't know if she can hear us or not but we are just banking on God, hope and prayers.

ONE WEEK LATER

"Zainab get the doctor! something is wrong with Ala" i hear Ayo shout in panic as i arrive at Ala's hospital room. Zainab zooms past me and i rush to the room where Ayo is. "What's going on?" i ask but Ayo didn't have to speak for me to get the answer. The loud beeping machine was enough for an answer.

The doctors rush past me and told us to leave the room.

Apparently, she went into a cardiac arrest, and was almost flat lining so they said.

I squat beside the door "God please, Ala i love you" i silently say to the wind.