My heart bleeds on paper

CHAPTER TWENTY - ONE

AYO'S POV

"Ayo, I know you're already annoyed at me. I just know that if I wasn't already dead you'd have killed me - lol. I don't want to be dramatic and say I wish I didn't have to leave because I didn't want to stay. From the first moment reality hit me I knew I wasn't going to stay. I am so sorry that I am leaving you but I am so glad you have Zainab that will be there for you since I'm no longer around. It's not like I've been there for you since the accident anyway and for that, I am so sorry. I don't know how to apologise to you for taking your best friend away from you. Whenever I see you I try to forgive myself for taking him away from you but I can't. I loved him so much and my love took him away from you. I am so sorry Ayo, I know you will say it's not my fault but it is. If he hadn't rushed to the hospital because of me he would still be here, you wouldn't smile so sadly whenever you think of him, you wouldn't have lost part of yourself. I don't know how else to ask for your forgiveness but I am so sorry Ayo. You don't have to burden yourself with me anymore, and for all the love you showered me I am so grateful. Thank you for being my pillar all these years. I wish you and Zainab so many fruitful years ahead. Thank you Ay, I love you."

The note Ala wrote to me keeps passing through my mind every little chance it gets. I don't know how to feel about the whole thing. I am so scared and I feel so helpless right now that I have no idea what I should or shouldn't do or say, I don't even know how to express how and what i feel. All I can do is pray. I am so scared, I cannot bear to loose another loved one i don't know how to process that. If Zainab wasn't here i don't think i would be able to get myself together but i am so angry, sad and broken inside. Ala is like a little sister to me and to see her lying helplessly in that room is so heartbreaking. I cannot believe she still blames herself for what happened, doesn't she know that i don 't blame her at all, that there is nothing to forgive, that i want her happiness all the time. Why is she trying so hard to leave? why did i not sense it all these while? what sort of an awful brother and friend have i been for me not to notice these things. i know she is good at hiding her feelings but I've always been able to detect it. 

"So this is what you meant by going on trip to someplace far, Ala" i mutter to myself

"Babe" I hear Zainab call for me from Ala's room. I reply with an 'mmm' then proceed to walk inside the room. "Babe how far? what's up?" i ask her. Nothing i was just looking for you. I move to her side and engulf her in a hug "how are you doing?" i ask

"I don't know, i guess i'm just there" she says looking sadly at Ala's breathing body. I hug her tighter "I thought she was better, why is she so good at hiding her feelings, why? does she hate us that much that she doesn't want to stay? I'm trying to be understanding here and i know i sound so selfish right now but am i so bad that i couldn't even get her to stay? how did i even miss that she was miserable, instead of me to notice her feelings i was busy hounding her to go out on dates, or travel or... - Zainab pauses to look at Ala before she bursts into tears again - Ala is this the vacation you were talking about? you said you were going on a vacation to rest is this it? Ala please come back, even if you hate us and don't want to see our faces again i don't mind just please come back, I am so sorry Ala, i promise i won't stress you about anything again, if you don't want to leave your house i'll even help your stock up please just come back" I hug her and try to wipe the tears from her face.

Ala and Zee became quite close 3 weeks into our relationship and all it took was one double date. They became sisters, Ala's sister Tonye would always tease Zainab saying maybe she they switched wombs. Her seeing Ala here again for the second time, watching her cry is so heartbreaking.

"How about we take a walk when Ogochukwu arrives" she nods. I hug her till she could control her sobs. 

"Babe" she calls quietly from my shoulder and i answer with a 'mmm'

"are you okay? please don't lie to me... you've been so quiet since the whole ordeal, its scaring me" she says.

I unwrap myself from her taking her hands in mine. "I won't lie to you, I'm not fine. I am so scared, so frustrated, so angry at myself, and i feel so helpless. I am so many emotions running through me that i don't know how to process and express them. If you weren't here i don't know how i would have coped. All i can do is pray, and hope that she comes back to us, it is so frustrating that that is all i can do" i tell her. She wraps her hands around my head causing it to be placed in the middle of her chest then she kisses my head

"We'll pray together, she's not going anywhere, she must take me to a spa for making me cry so much" she jokes and i chuckle a little. I can't remember the last time i smiled talk of chuckling. I wrap my hands around her too "Thank you for being here" i tell her

"Of course i'll be here, Ala is my sister" she replies

"still, thank you" she just kisses my head again "I love you" i say to her "I love you too" she replies. I just stay in her embrace, allowing it to shield me from my sad reality.

Just then the we hear a beeping sound causing us to untangle ourselves and move our attention to Ala "b..ba..babe the ma..machine is beeping funnily" Zee says slowly getting up. I move to Ala "Zee i don't think she's breathing well"

"Ayo, the machine is looking like.. flatli... "Zainab get the doctor! something is wrong with Ala"

OGOCHUKWU'S POV

"Ayo, what's going on?" i ask him. We are outside Ala's room pacing like mad people. The doctors are still in her room. 

"what is going on now? she was doing okay when i left this morning?" i ask him feeling frustrated at the whole situation.

"IO have no idea myself, 1 minute everywhere was quiet the next minute the machine started making noise. What if we weren't there when it happened, i don't even want to think about it" he says letting out a breath. I look up at him and for the 1st time since this week i saw his face break, all his emotions rushing out to the surface. His eyes turned red, he squeezes his eyes and a few tears fall from his face.

Zainab moves to console him. I signal her to take him out for air which she doesn't leaving me alone in front of her room with my heart in my hand. 

I squat beside the door "God please, Ala, I love you" i silently say to the wind.

After what seemed like eternity, they were out of her room. I jumped up so fast i could have touched the roof i raised my hand.

"Doctor, how is she doing?"

"She's doing okay now. It was a cardiac arrest and we managed to resolve it so she's stable now"

"will she wake up anytime soon?" i ask

"I can't say, especially now that she has had a cardiac arrest, it may take a while. There's not much we can do but watch and pray and hopes she comes through".

"can i see her?" 

"Of course"

"Thank you"

I open the door to her room and i see the oxygen strapped in and for some unknown reason the room feels colder than usual. I take a seat beside her "Ala, don't you think you're sleeping too much? I know you're always tired and sleepy but this is just too much now. Please wake up Ala, I'm begging you, I can't loose you too, please" I hold her hand and pray into it "please Ala" I whisper.

If i loose her then i know truly love isn't meant for me, atleast not in this lifetime.