My heart bleeds on paper

Chapter Sixteen

We're days away from the big day and i have been trying to put myself in order. Been reviewing a lot of things and straightening a lot of things. My emotions has been swinging from pillar to post and it is so bloody annoying because i have no single control over it.

Some days ago i was with Ayo at the office doing some last minute arrangements and all of a sudden i burst out crying after Ayo flashed a smile at me. i kept apologising and bawling my eyes out at the same time that he did not let me stay at my house that night. I stayed with him at his place and he told Zainab to come over. It took the grace of God and my begging for him not to call Ogochukwu over. I do not know what that boy put in his food because Ayo loves Ogochukwu i think even more than me.

Anyways, that is how i ended up staying three days at Ayo's place, and because of me Zainab came over too.

Today, i am at home doing absolutely nothing while i wait desperately for the day to pass and others to follow. Whenever i think about finally being at peace i juts choke up. I silently pray that the people i leave behind will not miss me too much, i want them to live, love and smile without me, i want to finally relieve them of the burden that is me. So i can relieve myself of myself.

My mind slowly drifts to Ogochukwu and just like that i get a slight ache in my chest. Am i getting a chest pain? i wonder. I hope he'll be okay i sigh out loud, and as if he heard me i get a call and his name flashes before my eyes as the caller.

"mmm' i say as i pick up

"always a pleasure  young lady" he says with a chuckle and i roll my eyes trying to hide my smile from God knows what

"are you free today?" he asks

"no" i shoot him down immediately. i have been trying to avoid him since we went shopping.  i am not sure he knows it but i have been avoiding him a lot, i am not sure if it is the  best thing to do but i think it is the best thing that i can do for him

"let me rephrase then - "rephrase bawo (it means "how" in yoruba)- are you home? I'm in front of your door" he cuts me off as i did him

"eh?! shit!" i shout standing up from where I'm sat

"i can feel your excitement" he says making sure i notice that every word was filled with sarcasm

"I'm no - don't even bother lying, i know you are home, open the door... please"

I'm pacing in my room thinking of what to say or do "that is not what i wanted to say" the lie comes out as a question

"mhmm, okay?"

"i wanted to say that i am not well dressed that you should give me a minute"

"I'm waiting"I reluctantly go downstairs to open the door for him. We just stare at each other , nobody says anything so i decided to break the awkward air

"hi"

he scoffs "why are you avoiding me?" he replies

i smile awkwardly "when di -  "what is about to come out from your mouth is a lie and you know it" i shrink down a little

"I'm sorry" i say

"Do you really want me to stop? should really leave you alone?" his question makes my head shoot up to look at him

"I'm guessing your silence is polite way of saying yes" he nods then moves to his car.

I watch him open the door, then his body goes into the car. It is not until i see my hand in front of my face that i realise i am no longer at the door, my feet somehow moved me a little further out of the house as if to stop him from retreating. i catch myself and end up doing the retreating back to the door. I turn around to go inside just to hear his car door slam shut. i turn back to see him coming with a nylon bag towards me, i raise an eyebrow as my curiosity spikes