My heart bleeds on paper

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

12:17 AM - SATURDAY 

It's been a week since Ala had a cardiac arrest. The doctor said it may take longer than they anticipated for her to wake up especially since she had a cardiac arrest. With everything that has happened so far, I think I can comfortably come to the conclusion that she really doesn't want to stay. Maybe we are the only ones keeping her from going. I sigh.

"are you doing okay?" I look to find the owner of the voice and i see Ayo. i give him a tightlipped smile and relaxed my back to the chair and folded my arms.

We were currently at an eatery close to the hospital. I came to have a little food in my stomach as i haven't had anything to eat throughout the day but here i am playing with my food like a child while my thoughts are sweeping me off my feet to meet a nasty fall.

"you don't seem like you are doing okay at all," he says taking a seat opposite mine so we were facing each other.

i smile a little at his comment then respond "neither do you". We both look at each other before we begin laughing at ourselves. After a good minute we have the quiet surround us once more.

"Are you still seeing your therapist?" he asks out of the blue, and i chuckle

"I can see why you both are friends" i tell him

"who?... Ala?" he says and i nod

"she could spew out the strangest, unexpected questions at anytime" i tell him

"True.., i unknowingly picked it up from her, but this question isn't strange"

"it is, however it's unexpected"

"I apologise if it offends you"

"It doesn't don't worry, it was just unexpected especially given all that is going on" 

"Ah, i get. We have to stay healthy while we wait for her to come back to us though" he says and i just look down at my untouched food.

"what if she doesn't want to come back to us? what if we are the only reason why she's having a hard time letting go? what if she really does not want to stay?" i ask so lightly that i won't be surprised if he didn't catch what i said

"If all it takes for her to still hang on is the us, then maybe she doesn't want to go yet. Even if she finds all the reasons to go, i'd literally tie her down if it means her staying" he says staring at nothing in particular. I could see the fear in his eyes, i could see how helpless he felt in the situation, i could see it all because i'M also wearing it like a nasty perfume.

He chuckles lightly "I can see you learnt a bad habit from her too" he says with a little smile

"which is?"

"perfectly evading important questions with ease" he replies and i laugh

"and the question? my therapy sessions?" i ask and he nods

"My therapist says i'm doing fine but i don't think so. She is the professional so she must be telling the truth but speaking for myself i don't think i am. i don't know how i feel. Every time i think back to all the hints she kept dropping i feel so miserable because how could i have missed it. She kept telling me she didn't want to hurt me, she even told me i'm collateral damage once. I remember her constantly telling me that i'm wasting my love on her, i never knew that this was what she meant. I never knew that she had already let go. I don't want to let her go. Maybe i'm just unlucky? Maybe she would have waited a little longer if i didn't come into her life you know... maybe whatever that made me loose my wife is still hovering around me and..." and i couldn't talk further for i knew that if i dare to make a sound these silent tears wouldn't be so silent. I feel them fall down my cheeks and i wipe them clean and look up hoping it stop the from falling but it doesn't "i miss her so much" i sigh

"me too". I manage to look at him and i see him cleaning his tears

"If Ala were her she would definitely make a video while laughing at us" i say and he laughs too 

"She would definitely post it on my wedding day" and we laugh further

"Ala please wake up, please" i say one last time not bothering to clean my tears. I just let them flow.