My heart bleeds on paper

CHAPTER FOUR

DAY 18... 2:30am

I couldn't sleep a wink last night, not because of my day but because of my nightmares; it's as if whenever a little light filters in my mind devises means to shut it down so here I am, editing the pictures i took with really heavy eyes and a sleep deprived chaotic state of mind, i wonder what beauty I'll produce i sigh

I take a drink from the bottle of water kept beside me as I browse through the photographs I took today and dare I say it but that man really is photogenic I smile

I say I do not want change yet here I am dancing with its flame like it's a festival, this one thing this one particular thing I cannot have it, it's already bringing up nightmares and lord knows that the last thing I would do is go to a shrink a continue those drugs which must have expired by now

I browse through this picture feeling the radiation of the fresh air that I desperately need and in that moment I make a deal with myself and that deal I make a promise to fulfill and carry out the deal

******

DAY 19

"I heard her talk... a lot" I tell my therapist

"whom? The lady?"

"yes – I nod – her "

"you seem elated by that fact, you've heard her speak before what makes this particular one so special?"

"she said much more than one syllable, she was sarcastic, she smiled... a lot, she laughed... barely, she told me her name" I finished with a smile

"that seems like a wonderful amount of progress you've made Mr. Obiora, so tell me... what is her name?"

I think back to Saturday night when she let me drop her at her house – it surprised me – thinking it was the highlight of the night she proceeded to blow my mind by telling me her name

I shake my head all the while smiling slightly at the memory "Tamuno-Ala, her name is Tamuno-Ala"

"did you get a surname or just her first name?"

"just the first name and believe me, I am not complaining, not even one bit" I clarify

"so tell me, what do you want from Miss Ala"

"doc you've asked me this question before w – "and you never gave me a standard answer" she cuts in

"what are your intentions with this lady Mr. Obiora?"

"I want to know her better"

"why?"

"I don't know, just like I answered before, I have no idea why – why I want her to talk to me, why I want her to throw insults and sarcastic remarks my way, why I want her facial expression to speak life not the numb lifeless one she always has on" I tell doc

"Mr. O do you think she can save you?"

"excuse me?"

"do you think she can save you?"

"save me from what exactly?"

"save you from your own self guilt sir, you say you want her to talk, to open up to face her fears, is it because you could not be there to help out your wife so you think helping her out will somehow ease the guilt? Do you see your wife in her? Or do you think helping her do all these things will somehow give you satisfaction and fulfillment as you try to live your happy and healed days through her" she vomits without pity because for a while you talk about her more than you do about yourself, its like your subconscious is begging to help her and keep you aside" she finishes then leans back on her chair with her arms folded

I take in her words and goodness does it hurt, it hurts so much to hear those words come from my therapist's mouth and the worst part is she's not completely wrong

"I admit that she somewhat reminds me of Ada and I thought that maybe I felt that someone who seems to look lost and dead that maybe if I could make her smile again then maybe just maybe I could pat myself on the back and I could reduce the guilt on my back, maybe I could do right by Ada by helping Ala out" I painfully admit "but with every time I go to sit with her and with every silence I am met with and every annoyed facial expression she throws at me for sitting with her whenever I meet her the same restaurant or I try to tease her for ordering the same food every single day i forget that I am an ex-soldier who is a widower and is also suffering from ptsd from battles that almost killed me or drove me crazy, I forget that the last link to stability and sanity I had got cut off when my wife took her life because she couldn't conceive after miscarrying twice and I was hardly ever there to comfort her so she allowed death do the comforting, everything that seems to be too much for me just fizzles out and as gloomy as she is she becomes a sun and I'll be damned if I let that sun burn out" I add

******

Every time that door opens I jerk my head up to view the customer that walks in and every time I was met disappointment

What is even wrong with me, I am so scared of seeing him now that I made this deal with myself, I sadly don't want it work, I don't want him to walk through those doors but if he does then I cannot back out, if he doesn't show then that means the deal is off if not I can't back out and as much as I am scared to begin the deal also i don't want to back out once I begin the deal, my confusion is really sporting a hangover

After an hour a meal later I gave up waiting for him, I arranged myself and stood up to leave when I heard the door open and look up to see him, he held my gaze once he caught it and never once broke it till he reached my table where I stood

"seems I came late today" he says still not breaking his gaze, I just kept quiet and broke my gaze, I nod at him and decide to take my leave quickly

He blocks my path "are you free tonight?" he asks and I look at him crazily like 'sho wa okay?' but he repeats the question "are you free tonight?"

"work" I sigh out

"tomorrow night?" he asks again

"work" I speak

He just smiles and tells me "wonderful so it's adate then, I'll pick you up tomorrow night by 8pm and please bring your camera"

Just as he came in he left, I look around to see if anyone noticed the scene he caused and from the workers shocked and astounded faces I could tell that our little scene stirred up a very small storm in this teacup.

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CHAPTER FOUR IS UP PHEW, TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR THE INCREMENT OF THAT EYE I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU FOR GIVING THIS STORY A CHANCE

'SHO WA OKAY?'  MEANS  'ARE YOU OKAY?'

PLEASE VOTE AND COMMENT IT WILL MEAN A LOT TO ME AND GUESS WHAT? THEYRE FREE, YAY!!!

I KNOW THIS IS SHORT BUT PLEASE BEAR - : D - WITH ME FOR THIS BE A SHORT STORY AND I PLAN TO PICK UP THE PACE SOON FOR THE BOOK SHALL NOT BE MORE THAN 10 CHAPTERS THAT IS IF IT REACHES TEN CHAPTERS HENCE WHY IT BE CALLED A 'SHORT STORY'

STAY SAFE AND GOD BLESS YOU

FAYTH