My heart bleeds on paper

CHAPTER ONE

DAY 1

I've never been poetic nor one to dabble in its arts but heaven knows that every night and every waking day everything around me becomes a blurry poetic mess painted on a canvas. All I have are old boring routines that should keep my mind buzzing, but all my mind knows is numbness, I laugh and smile don't get me wrong I'm not a robot, but then how genuine are they...

I walk down the street to the eatery I normally eat at, upon entering I make my way to the table and take a sit, If you look really closely you could see a slight dent on the seat which I'm sure was caused by my butt, yes, that is how much I sit on this particular chair at this particular table in this very restaurant

I don't like change, I won't welcome it, all it can offer me is pain and anxiety, and goodness me I do not need an extra spoon of those for my plate is overfilled with it

I do not even need to order the waitress already knows my usual, in fact, all the waitresses here do, so I sit patiently and wait for my order.

******

I walk out of therapy being more confused than I was before I even entered, I willingly go to these sessions but why does it seem as if it's not working, you know for someone who is currently on a first-name basis with my shrink I surely have nothing under control. I go to the restaurant and I see her... already seated

She has become a constant, I don't know her name but I know that she is a constant, one I would like to make permanent even if it kills me, after all, what else do I have to lose?

All I have to do is grow some balls, wow and here I was thinking once a soldier always a soldier yet I can't even muster the courage to talk to a lady

"Is this seat taken?" I ask her and all she does is look up at me and stare back at her food

I knew it meant I wasn't welcome but like I said earlier... I grew a pair and so I sat in front of her, she looked up at me again but this time with a questioning gaze

"Hello" I say

She just looks back at her meal and concentrated on eating, I did not give up still

"I see you come here quite a lot, so do I"

Still no response, I sigh as a waitress came asking for my order, I order and wait for my food to come, I also try to make small conversations but the response I got was still silence

My food came and I decided to eat in silence, she however finished her meal before mine went quarter way and she stood up and left after paying with no word

******

'who the hell was that guy' I ask to myself on my way home from the restaurant

'who takes rude silence as an invitation to dine' I wonder

Whomever the hell he is I pray he never becomes that brave with me ever again

                                                   DAY 2

I'm a little late to work today, I could only get in sleep finally at 4:43am so I woke late, I'm walking down the street with speed I wasn't prepared for for today but had to make use of and cliché-ly I bump into someone and I fell down...hard

"I am so sorry, I was not looking where I was going, are you alright?" the voice asks

I stood up taking my head up to put a face to the voice and my eyes widened a little, it's the guy from the previous day at the restaurant, 'really could today be any more cliché?' I wonder out in my head

"sorry about the accident, excuse me" with that I walk past him with so much speed I could as well be running

******

I look back as she breezed pass me, 'at least she spoke to me' I think to myself

                                                       DAY 6

I feel like every second is like torture to me today and I don't know how much I can take today; I say to myself

******

I sit and wait for her to show, I'm at her table on the seat I sometimes sit at and wait for her, well I've sat with her three times and today would be the fourth and I can tell we're making progress, she still hasn't spoken to me since the day of the very minute accident but at least she doesn't speak somewhat rudely to me with her eyes anymore now she just doesn't care so I count it as progress

I look up and I see her almost close to the entrance of the door and just then a bicycle rider breezed past her and she let out a small shriek then froze, she didn't move an inch she just stood there with both her hands on either side of her face and her eyes shut tightly...frozen and in that moment I saw her, I saw myself in her and knew exactly what was going on so I let my feet carry me to her just in time too because people began gathering

I gently place my hands on both her elbows and softly I whisper "you are fine, you are not in danger, everything is fine, just listen to the sound of my voice, it's alright...you're alright" I repeat the mantra that I've memorised like the back of my hand over and over until I felt her muscles relax under my arms and her eyes slowly open to see me then her eyes focused on the small crowd that had formed then they came back and settled on me

"take me away from here please" was all she said and I nodded gently guiding her to my car not so far away

When we were comfortably seated I waited for her to speak but we sat in silence for a while and I thought she had fallen asleep till I heard a faint thank you

"sorry?" I said not sure what I heard

She just put her hand in her bag and brought out an inhaler and took some puffs closing her eyes and resting her head backwards

"I said thank you" she said audibly

I smile unknowingly and astonishingly said you're welcome