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Chapter 33- I'm okay

TWs- slight mentions of eating disorder, talking of death, sort of panic attack 

George's POV

That whole experience had been difficult for Clay, and I knew it. It was clear to me how desperately he had been trying not to cry as he watched me struggle so much, I could even hear the shake in his voice as he comforted me. Now I just wanted to stay by him, knowing the way he usually dealt with overwhelming feelings and not wanting him to lock himself away to do it. Leaving him after a breakdown was a mistake I already made, and I refused to do so again. We had to stay together.

We moved towards one another at the same time, him tugging me into his chest and letting me clutch his shoulders.  I hugged him and cried for a while, but could still feel his hesitance to do the same. His entire body was shaking as his arms wrapped gently around me, chin resting carefully on the top of my head.

I pulled back slowly, holding his hand between both of mine. "You know, y-you're allowed to cry sometimes too Clay." It was all I had to say before his eyes filled with tears and he pulled me back into his chest. We leaned into one another, both letting out the emotions of the past few hours into one another's shoulder. My hands gripped the back of his shirt, reassuring both of us that I was ok now. Clay stroked my hair, still gently even as he was sobbing.

"George, you- you were so in danger, you know? I don't know if you would have been ok if you hadn't come back, and that isn't something I'd be able to deal with. I can't..I can't lose you." His voice shrank toward the end of the sentence, and when I pulled back I saw that the green eyes had glossed over as he stared at me, looking unsure and desperate. After a moment he looked like he was stuck in a reverie, completely unconscious of the world around him. For a minute I tried calling his name but he just looked into my face, confusion filling his features. Shaking his shoulder didn't work, neither did hugging or talking to him. The only other thing I could think of was to lean forward and press my lips against his, winding my arms around his shoulders to pull him forward. 

Almost immediately his hands lifted in surprise, and as I closed my eyes I saw his flicker to come back into reality. He kissed me back gently, hugging me close as he did so and rubbing my back. My legs wrapped around his waist, all I knew was that I needed him to understand that I was real and I was OK. Clay hummed slightly as he lifted me, pulling me impossibly closer and pushing his lips harder against mine. We stayed like this for a minute, arms wrapped firmly around each other and hands shaking. 

When I pulled away I gasped slightly, resting my head on his shoulder and playing with his hair. "Lets go into our room, yeah?" I nodded in response, smiling when he started walking with me still attached to his front. In our room he sat me down on the bed and placed himself beside me, playing with my fingers and starting to talk about random stuff with me responding happily.

20 minutes later I had again convinced him to sit still and let me fiddle with his hair, still trying to do the plaits that I failed with a little while ago. He giggled every time I untangled whatever strange knot I had made angrily, which was both annoying and really cute. In the end I again gave up, just pulling him to lie down on his face and then lying on top of him. My body fit perfectly in the arch of his back, like two puzzle pieces that had lost one another. 

"Clay?"
"hmm?" The blonde head turned slightly when I said his name, tilting the way a dog's would when offered a treat. It was adorable, filling my heart with warmth and bringing a soft smile to my face.

"You're never gonna lose me. You know that right?" There was a short silence as he thought of a response, turning over and pulling me to be facing him on the bed. Our eyes met and I could see the worry in his, looking at me with a protectiveness I only felt around him. There was intense concentration in his features as he responded, clearly being careful to say the right thing.

"I trust you George, and I- I know that no matter what you will stay with me. I know that I love you and that you love me and that we stick together. But I don't..I don't think either of us can promise we'll be here forever, because- well, we won't." Tears almost filled my eyes as his turned away from mine, down to our intertwined hands. I followed his gaze, seeing his longer and stronger fingers wrapping perfectly around mine. Worry was filling my mind, just the thought of a life without Clay hurting me. 

Of course I knew we wouldn't live for eternity, but talking about death seemed too random, and too soon. It was so long away surely, from both of us, but the fact that the blonde in front of me was thinking about it already scared me. Was he thinking about it for any particular reason or was I just overthinking? A lump filled my throat considering how lonely the flat would be without him to comfort me, to cuddle me, to shower me in kisses just because he 'felt like it'. I remembered how desperate I used to be for affection and how he had been the first person to properly give it to me. "Clay, I-I don't want to lose you." my voice broke quietly when I muttered it, a single tear rolling down my cheek as it did. His fingers tightened around mine and I could feel him looking at me, but I really couldn't bring myself to see the pain in his eyes.

"Oh, baby." He mumbled, pulling me toward him and tangling his fingers in my hair. More tears rolled down my face as I thought about how awful life would be if I didn't have him here to comfort or love me, how lonely I would feel all of the time. My arms stayed firmly by my side as I zoned into the fear, lost in this imaginary world without the boy I loved. Without a good morning kiss, a flirty comment before going to shower, a person to guide my eating, a compliment whenever I felt insecure, a hug whenever I cried, a joke whenever I was sad. Over the past few months I had grown so dependent on Clay for everything, and the idea of him disappearing brought back my old fear of sharing anything with anyone, just in case they were ripped away from me. 

I couldn't live without him, and I knew that now. Everything I did involved him and if he wasn't there it would always be wrong. This world I had thought of and trapped myself in was desperate and lonely, even worse than how my life was before moving to Florida. 

"George? You there? I'm with you, see? I'm okay. I haven't left you." Clay was speaking to me, dragging me back to reality with a gasp as he stroked his hand up and down my back. I cried out for him, feeling my body get closer to his and his chin rest on my head. "Shh, it's okay baby, you're alright. Shhhhh, I know. I know honey. It's okay, I'm here." He rocked me in his arms as I curled up, crying quietly into his chest. His tears fell on my head as mine landed in his lap, us moving back and forth together as he comforted me.

After a while I was calm, no energy left to sob anymore, just silent tears falling down my cheeks as I curled in his lap. As soon as I heard his breathing soften I let mine, assured that he was safe and wouldn't do anything. It didn't take long for my eyes to close slowly, Clay's hands still on my back. I felt safe. As long as I had him beside me.

(1410 words)

Thoughts?

btw the whole card and marriage thing for moving to america doesn't exist in this bc idk enough abt it and it makes life hard lmao. Remember to vote!! How are you guys? 

Drink water and eat something for me, if you're reading this I love you very much <33