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Chapter 36- he hurt me

TW- mention of r4pe, mention of su1cid3, censoured slur (which I can reclaim), mention of eat1ing d1sorder, cyberbullying

Clay's POV

What.

What had he just said. What had he just told me. Had he meant for me to find out? Did it happen while I knew him? Did it happen with someone I knew?

The thought of someone else touching George like that made me feel sick, especially imagining him trying to fight against it. Saying to stop and being ignored. I was aware of how difficult r4pe was to go through, and it broke my heart imagining the pain George must have struggled with. I did know that before we met up he had struggled with touching people- when Sapnap went over to visit England he had told me about it. The first time he laid eyes on the brunette he naturally tried to hug him, but George had jumped and stepped back multiple times. But that was years ago, when Nick was literally 16. It was even worse to think how young George probably was when it happened, if he was still that scared of physical contact back then. (btw in this they all met online at like 12 idk what it is irl lol)

There had never really been an issue with me, so when the moment I woke up he was shouting at my hug it was scary, and incredibly upsetting. George had been truly terrified of me, shaking and screaming for help. He had never been like that. Not even close. Sure, I had seen him having a panic attack- I had seen him in pretty much every form possible, but not scared of me. Not of me.

I looked up at the clock, seeing that I'd been sat in here for 10 minutes. I rushed to get up, ruffling my hair before opening the door gently and making my way to the living room. George was curled up on the sofa, his cheeks red and wet with tears. He didn't even notice me come in, so I tapped the floor with my foot so he didn't think I snuck up on him. At the sudden sound he jumped, looking up to see me stood there looking down at him. His face filled with emotions- happy, angry, sad- afraid. He was still scared of me, and I wasn't sure how to make that go away. I just felt so overwhelmingly guilty for making him remember all this, for making him feel like this, for making him breakdown so much.

"George, I'm so sorry."

He just looked at me, his expression not changing in the slightest. There was a hand either side of him, prepared to push him away if I came any closer. He was bracing himself to escape something, and it broke my heart. "I'm not gonna step forward. I promise." I spoke, my voice breaking tragically at the last two words. I saw the deep brown eyes look me up and down before his arms relaxed slightly, wrapping back around his knees. He still said nothing, tears pooling in his eyes just to add to the ones on his red cheeks. 

"i- I just had no idea, and I know I should've stopped anyway but- I guess I wasn't thinking, I just wanted you to stop thinking and talking about it so I wanted to make you shush so I- I just kept kissing you. But I- I didn't know, and I know it was wrong either way, but I didn't think..I just didn't think." The more I spoke, the more I realised that there was no excuse for kissing him more when he told me to stop. Whether he had been r4ped or not, there was nothing ok about doing something he didn't want me to do.

 'Clay, please stop'

That's what he said. That's what I had ignored. That was wrong, and now thinking about it I grew furious at myself for not listening to his request. I was disgusted.

"It was my first ever party." His voice came quietly from the sofa, and I looked down to see that he was staring at the wall. I waited patiently for him to continue, not wanting him to feel pressured.

"I was so excited.." His voice broke slightly in the middle of his sentence, and another tear rolled down his cheek. I wanted more than anything to give him a hug, but of course didn't out of respect. "Nat drove me there, she knew how happy I was. Oh, uh- she was my best friend in school, we haven't spoken for a while but she was..she was amazing.."

"And we went in, to this guys house, and she went to get me a drink and h-he grabbed my arm.." His eyes were wide now, he was lost in his memories of this one night that had ruined the next couple of years for him. "He told me to shut up..dragged me upstairs, and h-he didn't even know me. He had to ask my NAME. When he left he just told me how disgusting I was, called me names, told me I deserved it. I wasn't even wearing something short, he just- he just picked me out of e-everyone. There were so many girls who would probably WANT to. And then Nat found me, and helped me, but for the next month I refused to touch her or anyone at all. She struggled a lot without being able to comfort me, but she stuck with me and.." He laughed gently, smiling through the tears. "She was my first hug..after all those years, I didn't even give Nick a proper one.. and then, she helped me. She made me better. But everyone thought I was gross. He took a photo, see, and said I sent it to him trying to get him to- to fuck me. Everyone saw it. My parents saw it. All the popular boys saw it."

"They used to corner me after school and take me to an alley, call me slurs and beat me up. One of them would constantly send me messages telling me to k1ll myself, or that I was worth nothing, and I quickly believed him. He still did when I was 22, kept finding new numbers and new emails that I couldn't block. He would tell me I was fat, ugly, a slut, a f4ggot, a wh0re, that no one would want me, that all I did was eat, all these things that I believed so quickly. That I still do believe, so I refuse to eat properly because it means no one will love me."

"He ruined my life."

I hadn't moved, and George didn't look up at me as he came to the end of his sentence. He sat there, shaking with his chin resting on his knees. "W-what was he called?" I whispered, wanting to know who had hurt the boy I loved so much. Wanting to hurt them back.

"Noah."

What. Please, don't tell me that he means the Noah I was thinking of. Don't let that be something atop all of this. "N-Noah what?"

He finally looked up at me, seeming confused as to why I had to know.

"Noah Lewis."

(1197 words)

Thoughts?

If ur reading this ily <33