More or less than friends

Chapter 34- Unsure

TWs: pretty detailed se1f h4rm, blood, mention of dissociation

A/N) There is kissing in this that George doesn't really wanna do. It isn't necessarily unconsensual, but he doesn't fully enjoy it. Just be careful reading. I love you sm <3

Clay's POV

I woke up with the urge to feel pain.

Even with George in my arms, the desperation to cut into my own skin was taking over my mind. I looked down at his peaceful face with sad eyes, seeing how tired he looked. From what I remembered he hadn't fallen asleep before I did, which filled my heart with a desperate sorrow at the idea of the brunette trying to protect me. The fact that I had to ignore his wishes and continue to bring harm to my body coursed an intense guilt through my veins, and yet I still didn't push down the need to do so. I couldn't.

I wrapped my arms under George, lifting him and placing him back down on the bed. He frowned in his sleep, reaching up and making a small noise of annoyance. I handed him a pillow, watching as he wrapped his arms around it and snuggled into the material happily. At least he was okay.

Even as I walked to the bathroom and locked the door behind me, the feeling didn't even slightly go away. If anything it intensified, self hatred and anger at the world around me blurring my vision as I opened the drawer, searching for the familiar box. My hand shook as I took out a single blade, hiding the rest and pulling up my shorts. Scarred skin met my eyes, making my cheeks flush red at how stupid I was. How ugly I was. How much I deserved every second of pain I was going through. Hate was the only word I thought of, hate at myself, hate at everything and everyone else other than the boy asleep in the other room. Hate that I kept lying to him that I was okay, hate that he believed me, hate that I was still doing what I was about to do.

I dug the metal into my skin, moving quickly and tearing cuts into my leg. All it took was to press down and pull to get the addictive pain it gave me. Few tears fell down my face, I just gritted my teeth to make another cut. And another, and another, until all I could see covering my thigh was scarlet red. It stung like a bitch, the burning pain shooting throughout my body like a drug, filling and overtaking me. I was lost in my own world of silence and blood as I kept making the same action, cutting and bleeding, cutting and bleeding. A drop of red pooled on the floor and I wiped it up with my shirt, only to replace it with more. I didn't care at this point, was just relieved that I could still feel the pain. That I was real. That the world hadn't ended.

"Clay?"
A knock at the door ripped me out of my mind, making me panic and scramble to my feet. I cursed under my breath, eyes widening worriedly as blood dripped onto my shorts.

"Yeah?" I called back realising it had been a few seconds. He was probably suspicious. He probably already knew. 

"Is everything okay? A-are you okay??" I hesitated at this, staring at the closed door with sadness in my heart.

"I'm fine baby, don't worry. Give me a minute." It seemed to be convincing enough for him, because I was met with silence, and hurried to clean up and hide the blade. The drop of blood stood out against my light grey shorts but I just prayed that George wouldn't notice.

"Clay? You've been in there for ages. Please tell me you're okay." His small voice broke, pulling at my heart. Tears filled my eyes at the desperation I could hear in his tone, bringing back all the guilt from before.

I wiped away the remaining blood dripping down my leg and checked the room quickly before unlocking the door, opening it to see his face full of panic. He jumped when I came into view, instantly running into the room and scanning the floor before turning and raking his eyes over me. Worry churned in the pit of my stomach when his eyes froze at the small stain on my shorts, and I winced as he came closer to check. The brunette bent down slightly, and I could only watch as his eyes widened.