Une Fleure Fanée

Week 7 Part 6 (Friday)

     I hear my alarm go off. I must have fallen asleep. I want to close my eyes again. I don't have the motivation to get up. But envisioning Ms. Abby's face if I'm late forces me out of bed. I slip off my hoodie and sweatpants and put on a pink sports bra and black leggings. I slip back on the hoodie and sweatpants.

     I don't want to take my Fluoxetine until around the same time I have my Cymbalta, six in the morning. Thinking about the medicine makes me gag. It doesn't do anything. I move on to the bathroom to do my hair and makeup. Mom seems to have already done her hair and makeup. I remember my calorie count: 400 calories.

     "Lilly Belle, we're running late again, so-" Mom starts before I finish her sentence for her.

     "Ensure. Got it," I finish as I walk over to the fridge and grab a raspberry Ensure plus.

     Maybe I should actually drink the Ensure. It has 330 calories. It's nearly all my calories, so if I only drink half, then it's only 165 calories. You're disgusting, Lilliana. You shouldn't be eating anything. You are a horrible person who deserves to die. I need something to eat or else Mom will get suspicious.

     The creamy liquid slides down my throat. It's awful. No more Ensures. I only drink half before we have to go. I grab my dance bag and my suitcase. Mom grabs my costume, her suitcase, and her purse. We're driving alone today.

     I'm constantly worried that Mom is going to hit something. She looks so tired, but the coffee is slowly kicking in. My stomach is churning with the raspberry Ensure. It's not used to this much in my stomach. The Ensures are huge, or else, Mom would not be satisfied with me just drinking one of them for breakfast.

     Elliana is already there, going over her solo in the dancer's den. She has a piece of rope too. I guess she is a strangler. Ms. Yolanda waves to me and goes over to my Mom and Elliana drops her rope and gives me a hug.

     "I've been soooo lonely. Ms. Gianna says to put your suitcase in the coach bus and Ms. Abby will be here in a couple minutes," Elliana reports and I nod.

     I quickly exit and put my suitcase in the luggage department. I reluctantly say hi to the producers. They remind me to tell Mom to create extra drama, and I nod. We both know I won't be following their directions at all. I hate the way the producers make my Mom look on television. She's so nice in real life, but the show makes her look like, for lack of a better word, a bitch.

     Ms. Abby, Hannah, and Pressley walk in at the same time. Hannah and Pressley look nervous but excited. However, we are all so groggy. Hannah and I rub our eyes as Ms. Abby wheels right to her office. It's best to just leave her alone. Sarah and GiaNina get here last. Sarah's used to this, but she probably woke up at one in the morning. Three is when she normally wakes up, and it's torture.

     "Good morning, everybody. It's time to head onto the bus. I know we're all tired, but be prepared to dance like you've had a thousand cups of coffee when we get to Fairfax. Let's go!" Ms. Abby yells and we stumble to the bus.

     I sit next to Elliana. I get the window seat so I can disguise taking my meds, but I promise she'll get it back. I'm lucky I have a baggy hoodie and baggy sweatpants, so Elliana can't see my hideous frame. You look hideous, Lilliana. Ms. Abby should've never allowed you on this team. You shouldn't be on this bus driving with the girls. You're not worthy of where you are right now.

***elliana***

     Lilly's fidgety. She seems like she hasn't gotten enough sleep last night, yet she seems as awake as a mom who's just been offended on reality television. When she gets fidgety, I know she's worried about something. Probably about the way she looks. She keeps shifting in her seat, playing with her hair, and looking at her legs and stomach. The other kids look oblivious. They don't know stuff that I do. She takes her pills. There's a new navy blue pill. Must be her depression medicine.