Une Fleure Fanée

Week 15 Part 4 (Wednesday)

      Ugh, pyramid day. The worst day of them all. I need to be at the top or else it's going to rain hell on my arms. And it's also team jacket day. Between me and Brady. I want him to get the jacket, but I also want it.

     I stagger out of my bed and my legs collapse. I fall back on the bed. I feel so cold and weak. I take a couple deep breaths, and I stand up. Good. Everything may be in a blurry haze, but at least I can dance.

     I grab a sports bra, red baseball shirt with the ALDC logo with black vertical pinstripes, along with black leggings. I feel freezing, so I put a hoodie back on. It's the sixth day of not eating. If you eat Lilliana, you're going to gain forty pounds. Do not eat!

     I take some Motrin. Maybe that will help. I brush out my hair. More clumps. I put it in a high ponytail, securing it with a black hair tie. My head already hurts. I need the Motrin to kick in now.

     I put on my makeup. I hate putting on makeup, but I'm on camera. You look so ugly without makeup, Lilliana. I guess. I look at my medicine. I want to do an experiment: What if I didn't take my medicine? Not the iron pills, I need those for my blood, but the others

     I take one Cymbalta, one Fluoxetine, and one Venlafaxine. I hold them in my hand. Gulping, I throw them in the toilet, flushing them down. With a resounding woosh, my experiment has begun.

     When I start covering up all of my cuts, the Motrin starts kicking in. No headache, no dizziness. Awesome! You have to cover all of your artwork, Lilliana. The moms won't understand how beautiful it is.

     Alright, time to enter the main room. Mom is drinking her coffee and eating oatmeal. 90 calories plus. 90 calories is too many for me.

     "Good morning. Want any breakfast?" Mom asks.

     "I'm just going to have an Ensure," I lie, grabbing one out of the fridge.

     I wait a couple of minutes in my room before I very quickly run to the bathroom, flushing down the Ensure down the toilet. No breakfast for me, no ma'am. So far, no change with or without medicine.

     "Lilly, did you finish your Ensure? We have to go! Carpooling with Brady today!" Mom shouts.

     "I'll be there in a sec!" I shout back, quickly throwing away the bottle and running to grab my supplies.

     Man, Motrin really helps! I feel like I'm back to eighty pounds mentally, but I can be forty-seven pounds physically! What a joy! Of course, I'm still freezing and my hair is still falling out, but if, even for a few hours, half of my symptoms can be eliminated, that's good enough for me!
After Mom and I travel in the elevator, I sit down and we wait for Brady. Scrolling through TikTok, I see all of my friends. They're so much prettier than me. Thinner waists, stronger abs, skinnier. Prettier. I'm so ugly and fat. I'm not worth it. I'm just a burden.

     "Lilly, time to go!" Mom says, snapping in my face.

     I quickly get up as Brady joins me. The car ride is silent. Both of us are fighting for the jacket. He deserves it more than me, but I also really want it. You're never getting the team jacket, Lilliana.

     I immediately groan quietly when we pull up to the building. Brady does the same. My leg starts shaking in anxiety. The scenario plays in my head. Brady getting the team jacket. Me not getting a national solo. Everything is going wrong.

     I grab my bag and I see all the six kids sitting in the dancer's den, along with the producers and the originals. I go take a seat down next to Hannah, take my hoodie off, and the producers start talking.