Une Fleure Fanée

Week 8 Part 2 (Monday)

     Five in the morning. I wish I could have cut just a little deeper. Maybe into an artery or a blood vessel. Something that would make Mom find me in a puddle of my own blood, only twelve pounds lighter than when I arrived and not thirteen. But I guess I gotta live another day in this awful life.

     I go for the purple sports bra, but I grab a black tank top to go over it, a big jacket, and then black leggings. Mom isn't awake yet. Great. I'll be forced to "drink" an Ensure. I creep to the bathroom and pull away the gauze. They're not open, and they lace my first cut. It's good enough to put a concealer on them. I grab the liquid concealer out of my bag, but it doesn't work. I grab the powder. It works better.

     I brush my hair, pull it into a bun and do my makeup. I don't like wearing makeup during dance practice. I get all sweaty and if I forget to wear the waterproof stuff, then I'm constantly paranoid that the mascara is dripping while I dance. You look so ugly and disgusting without makeup, Lilliana.

     "Lilly! Come on! Take your medicine and let's go! We're taking Pressley today!" Mom shouts from the kitchen.

     I groan tiredly and take my medicine reluctantly. You should just take one too many pills today, Lilliana. Collapse during tap and then die. I wanna cut myself so bad. But I've decided that cutting myself is strictly for the shower so the evidence will be washed away. I pull out some electrolytes that I've had hidden in my dresser last night to lace my water with so I don't seem tired.

     I grab my black sneakers and a butter pecan Ensure. Yuck. I don't have a sweet tooth, but it just gives me more motivation to not drink it. I have to remember: only 200 calories for today. Elliana and Ms. Yolanda join me in the elevator with Mom and I. I pretend to chug my Ensure, pretending to swallow to throw Elliana off the scent.

     I find Press in the lobby and lead her to Mom's car. I throw away the Ensure in the trash can along the way. I make sure to not toss it so that it doesn't make a loud sloshing sound. Maybe if I do everything right, I'll throw Elliana off of the trail.

     "So what's your schedule?" Pressley asks as we buckle into the seat.

     "Tap, jumps and turns, ballet, lyrical, contemporary, and hip hop. I got my two favorite classes today!" I squeal and we giggle.

     "I got the opposite schedule. Oof," Pressley pouts and puts in earbuds to listen to music.

     You don't deserve to have your two favorite classes in one day, Lilliana. You're ugly and disgusting. I pull my sweatshirt over my arm, scared that despite the concealer and the setting powder and spray that I put on, the scars will show. I'm going to have to cut less deep so I don't get a scar. The cuts make you uglier and a more disgusting whore like you already are, Lilliana.

     I listen to my music as well in the car ride, listening to the soft angelic voice of Melanie Martinez singing basically about the devil. I love it. Unfortunately, I have to shut off the music once we see the white brick studio come into the horizon. I reluctantly get out of the car with my dance bag and I see that Elliana and Sarah are already here.

     I stretch quickly before going to Studio C for tap with Sarah and Hannah, taught by Ms. Gianna. I don't take off my sweatshirt, too afraid of the cuts being seen by Sarah and Hannah. Before we can start, Ms. Abby struts in with a small girl who I recognize from the auditions.

     "Ladies, this is Kamryn. She is going to be joining you guys for the privates. You may recognize her from the auditions. She was in town, and is going to spend the day with you," Ms. Abby announces before promptly leaving Studio C.