Une Fleure Fanée

Week 11 Part 1 (Sunday)

***lilly***

     "Lilly!" Pressley shouts in my ear at the top of her lungs.

     I sit up, and I instantly start to cry. Where am I? Why was Pressley yelling at me? What did I do wrong now? I've barely woken up, and she's already yelling at me. You can never do anything right, Lilliana. You're just a burden and a mistake.

     Pressley's smile instantly turns into a frown and furrows her eyebrows in concern and she asks me, "Lilly, what's wrong? Did I scare you?"

     I nod, curling my knees to my chest, admitting, "I thought you were a nurse."

     "Lilly, why would a nurse... yell at you?" Pressley asks, giving me a hug.

     "Because- never mind. I'm okay now," I shut off, wiping away my tears.

     "All right then," Pressley drags out before carefully placing an oversized red ALDC hoodie and black leggings on the bed next to me.

     "Thanks," I mumble before going to the bathroom to change.

     I look at my wrists. They're exposed but covered under the hoodie. I also didn't punish myself last night. I'll just do it now. After all, I'm practically swimming in this hoodie. I could go down two sizes, but I want a reminder that I've lost weight.

     I try to keep my groans of pain and tears to a minimum while I cut my wrist four times.

     Two for placing second instead of first in my solo, and two for placing second instead of first for my overall group dance. I cut really deep. Like, I can see the muscle. Good thing I brought gauze. I tuck the gauze under my sweatshirt, brush my hair and my teeth, and take my meds before quickly exiting the room.

     "What took you so long? Whatever. Just get your things and come on," Pressley giggles, and I quickly run over to my queen bed to grab my duffel bag.

     I suddenly remember Mom and I are flying back to North Carolina to see Dad, Caden, and Toby. I jump up and down a bit before realizing all my teammates are leaving too. Pressley and Gia are leaving for New Jersey, specifically Oakhurst and East Hanover, Hannah is leaving for New Albany, Brady's leaving for Miami, and Elliana's leaving for LA.

     I walk onto the bus with Elliana as my bus mate, and I can tell the mothers are just dying for coffee, and so are the producers, and Ms. Abby. So, of course, we stop at Starbucks. Some people get pink drinks or decaf refreshers. You don't have any calories today, Lilliana. Don't get anything with calories. I get ice water. Zero calories, I guess.

     I sip on the water throughout the bus ride. Elliana pulls out her laptop and pulls up Finding Dory while she drinks her pink drink. I personally don't like the movie a whole bunch, but it's a Pixar movie, so it's somewhat good. I like Hank, the septopus.

     "Ladies and Brady! Listen up!" Ms. Abby yells about halfway into our movie, and Elliana shuts off her computer so we can listen.

     "So, as you all may know, you guys are going to have a two-week hiatus from competing. And, guess what? During that time, the ALDC is going to the UK! Ms. Abby exclaims and everybody bars me, and Elliana screams.

     "I have to go to the Virgin Islands in those weeks. Dang," Elliana whispers and I stay silent, wishing she could come with us.

     I look back at Mom, who's smiling big. She knew all along. That's why my family was so indifferent to me staying. She probably told them. My friends back home probably know by now as well.