WHAT IF

What If - Chapter 18

SEJEONG

I swear my heart flutters with his words, with him just being around me. But I know that's as far as my heart is allowed to take it. I can't, I'm scared of all the possibilities of ruining what we have. I did everything I could to distract myself, kept myself busy, watch re-runs, read a book but goddamnit he still keeps popping up in my mind every now and then, and the memories of that night are replaying in my mind like a broken track.

Tossing and turning in the bed, in the late afternoon on a weekend should be one of the most awarding feelings. That's usually how I feel but right now I am tossing and turning because I am restless this brain of mine decided to just run around like crazy and torture me ... god those deep-set eyes as it bore into mine – shit I'm doing it again! Can you please stop imagining it again Seje?

Deciding I might end up really crazy, I dialed Wendy's number.

"Wendy! I know this is so sudden but please tell me you're not busy, hmm?" I blurted out.

"Okay?" Wendy said back, more like a question prolonging the word.

"Thank god! Can you come here? Or if you want I'll come there to your place, we can have a pizza or chicken party I'll bring food, soju, wine, beer whatever you like!" I rushed out.

Wendy giggled before answering "Well that sounds like more spill our guts than a food party, I'll be there in a while!"

"I love you Wends! Drive safely!"

____________________________________________

"So what was it? Spill it out!" Wendy said as soon as she got inside the door. No Hi! No hello, just straight to the point.

I look at her contemplating how should I say it but before I could even speak she spoke again "Something happened between the two of you isn't it?"  Wendy pointed with a smirk.

"What? NO! I mean, yeah? I don't know Wends" I answered back feeling defeated as I plopped down the couch.

Wendy raised one of her eyebrows, confusion all over her face as if questioning my sanity with what I just said.

"Well tell me everything then." She demanded.

So I told her. Everything that happened the moment we arrived at the gala, the sudden shift between us, on how suddenly Sehun became so protective when I met his friend, Kai, meeting his other friend Irene and the unspeakable heavy atmosphere between the two that I'm still figuring out and the night at our bar hangout.

I took a deep breath "We almost kissed, Wends" I said in almost a whisper feeling my cheeks blush in a shade of pink as I recall what happened. 

"But I somehow able control myself and reason out, or else we'll regret the aftermath."

Wendy gasped at what I said eyes wide like saucers. "Oh my gosh! Why did you stop him, for all I know he wouldn't want you to, I think you don't want to either" She said back grinning all the way to her ears, making me blush again.

I shake my head regaining myself, this is not what I am expecting to hear. "My god Wends, had I not controlled myself who knows what regrets we'll have that night! It's just we're a little drunk, it could've been a mistake, our mistake. I can't let one reckless moment ruin what we have."

"Are you sure about that?"  Wendy stared right back at me her eyes telling me she's not believing any word that I just said.  

"Because from what I can see when you're together and clearly from what I'm hearing right now, it looks like you're trying so hard to convince yourself that there's nothing more but the friendship between the two of you. And mind you you're so bad at it."

That totally caught me off-guard, not knowing what to say back as I ran my hand through my hair with an exasperated sigh. Burying my face in my hands.

"Goodness, Sejeong you like him," Wendy concluded with sarcasm. 

"Why are you trying so hard to keep your feelings in check?"

I sigh, gripping the roots of my hair as I became more frustrated at myself before I nod. As realizations come flashing right through me, feeling like a deer caught in headlights as I admit.

Sehun has become my safe place, his warmth makes me feel at home, and the more I am around him the more I know I'll fall deeper and that scares me a lot.

"I'm scared Wendy, what if it's just a spur of the moment for me, for him, what if we meet again and everything becomes awkward now? This is why it shouldn't be why we can't like each other he's too good of a friend, a companion I don't wanna lose him that way."

Wendy moved closer taking my hand into hers patting it "Seje, at least give Sehun more credit than he deserves. I know for a fact that he likes being with you more than anyone else, we can see it, how he's on your beck and call, how he does things for you without you asking for it. And the way he looks at you. It's as if you're a piece of chinaware with the highest value, me, and Chanyeol can vouch for that."

I look up at Wendy my eyes threatening to flood my cheeks "But what if things won't work? And I'll lose him, I can't lose him, Wendy. I don't know."

"But what if it does?"  Wendy said plainly, but the words weighed more than it is. 

"And on that evening where fireflies buzzed around you on a park bench late at night I found a place to call home in the walls of your heart." - steffspoetry