WHAT IF

What If - Chapter 21

SEJEONG

It's been a few weeks. A week after Sehun left that night to meet Irene, Wendy shared the news to me that he and Irene have teamed up for a magazine shoot. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for him seeing how this magazine is such a big achievement for him. 

And as if my hands have a mind of their own I mindlessly reached for my phone and ended up searching for it and right now I am looking at the photos, at their photos and they look really good together. 

I am glad that he's finally getting more exposure that he deserves, especially doing it beside someone that's special to him but I'm gonna say that sucks to admit. It's funny how much I tried to disregard my feelings even when Wendy confronted me about it. 

But now that someone who's been with him before has come back to claim him again, here I am wallowing and eating my feelings because I was too scared to admit, now I don't really stand a chance. 

Not with someone like her. 

I've been doing good, doing really good at avoiding him, in fact, I think I became an expert.

Whenever he sends me a message or calls me I've been so good at ending the conversation right away or find reasons that I can't accept his calls. I know I shouldn't be avoiding him he's been such a good friend to me, I know I should celebrate all the good news he's experiencing right now, I am, I am really happy for him he deserves it but I'm a coward because I am afraid that once I faced him I won't be able to hide how much I like him, that he might see through me. 

We shared moments, amazing ones that I tried so hard to ignore and put a line to because I don't want to fall for someone again and in the end not have the love reciprocated I've been through it just a few months ago, and it's funny how I never seem to learn from it. 

But now it's more difficult with Sehun, I don't wanna lose him for that. No, I can't afford to lose him.

 I just need some time to cope with my feelings until I'm quite confident enough to face him.

I think I've watched all genres of zombies now on Netflix and now I am binge-watching Kingdom, with a tub of ice cream in my hands hoping this would work to take my mind off everything about him. Yup, I am going for a morbid route right now and avoiding any rom-com or sappy movies or tv shows, or else I'll just imagine what if that was us. 

I don't need that right now, I've used up all my cards of excuses in avoiding him so right now I need action, blood, all gorey shit hoping this would do the trick so in the time I need to face him I can just think of all the shows I've watched hoping it'll control the erratic beating of my heart every time he's near. 

I don't know if he's ever noticed that I am avoiding him and I can't have him knowing because chances are he'll come by and that's something I don't want to happen here in my space, just the two of us together is something I'd be so dread to happen. 

I don't think I have the strength in me right now, because just by thinking about him my heart beats so fast it feels like it's going to bounce out of my chest.

If I told you how I feel
Would it change how you see me?
I wish I could, I wish I would say everything
But not today at least

- Butterfly Rain