Autism Awareness: How I Overcame Domestic Abuse, Sexual Assault & Drug Addiction

Part 12: The Sesh

So I'd just slept with the woman that my best friend was in love with. How much of a heartless human being had I become? After all these years I finally hated myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. How could life get any worse?

So our friend turned up and she could tell that something had happened. I'm usually clean and tidy. My bed was a mess, her hair was all over the place, she knew. She didn't say anything tho, she knew my best friend was in love with her but she didn't say anything to me. I wanted her to tell me straight. I needed that. I needed somebody to tell me I wouldn't of expected that of you, I wanted somebody to tell me that it wasn't me, but I got nothing. In the end I realised that people knew I was slowly becoming like my best friend.

So when the girl left my mate stayed. She asked if I'd been in contact with this girl who liked me. I had. But deep down I'd hoped she had gone off me, she'd messed me about going backwards and forwards between me and her ex and I didn't want to be ripped apart again. But no she was still interested.

So we end up getting in touch and we go for a sesh. We got their and my friend couldn't stay, so I walked her to the bus stop and then walked back up. So we roll a joint and start smoking. Next thing I know this girl leans in for a kiss in front of her best mate and her best mates entire family, I just pied her off. They all laughed at her. I felt sorry for her. I used to want this woman, but things changed when she kept going back to her ex, I wanted stability not bull shit.

So I get convinced to spend the night so I did. I was told if I was staying I'd have to share a room with this girl that liked me, I was gonna be pissed what would I care?

So as we're drinking and smoking ourselves stupid she starts posting videos all over her Snapchat story. She's telling everybody that she loves me and she's gonna marry me and what not. I acted all nice but deep down I wanted to die. She'd pushed me away but yet had such high hopes. I felt so sorry for her. She wanted something that I no longer did. I know how that feels.

So the night goes on and we ended up in bed together. I knew we would. Like I said, her best mate told me we'd have to share.

So she's their going on and on about wanting cuddles. So I tell her to shut up because I wanted to sleep. She didn't. So I turned over, faced her and told her to shush. She placed my hand on her throat and rolled her eyes at me. I kissed her, turned over and went to sleep.

I often think back to that night and wonder how different my life would be if I made the moves she wanted. I surely wouldn't of had to face what's to come? I wouldn't be as depressed and lost as I am now. Would I still be alive? I ask myself these questions daily. She was into me, I could of grown to love her couldn't I? But what is love for an autistic adult? I don't understand feelings or emotions like everybody else? How am I supposed to have a stable relationship when I can't even understand the basics? My life isn't easy. I often live in the past and wonder what would of happened if I'd of told her that I wanted to try. But I didn't, I've accepted that. In one way I am glad I didn't make those moves that night because I wouldn't of been able to live with myself if I did. I wouldn't of been able to live with the fact that I slept with two people within the same twenty four hours. I'm not that person.