Alter Ego [Karlnap]

What am I?

2-5 Self Doubt

"I've had time to think, but I'm even more confused," Karl started, flipping through his worn journal as if to search for the answers that weren't there.

"There's nothing here for me, nothing at all. Those books back there? I've read all of them," Karl pointed to the endless shelves.

"But it's hilarious, really," he gave a dry chuckle, "because I was utterly ignorant."

"For example, to whom do those books even belong? I don't know. I'm not even sure when I read them."

Sapnap's eyes wandered across the shelves, eyes meeting the spine of every book.

"These memories I have of having read all those books... are they fantasies? Delusions I cooked up to hold onto my sanity? If that is true, then what do I have left?" Karl gazed down at the desk, empty.

"The only thing I have... you're the only... unless... you're just another of my delusions. It doesn't matter if you are. Your visits here with me are the only times I feel stable," he smiled, "I feel like I can be myself."

Sapnap places his hand on Karl's, the brunet habitually interlacing their fingers.

"But when it comes down to it, I don't know... I... I-I..." he continued to repeat the same word, "I use this word so unconsciously, what does it even mean? What does it refer to?"

"My body? Or, perhaps, my thoughts? If I halved my body, in which half would I reside? If all the cells in my body swapped places... would my 'self' just be an optical illusion?"

If there was one thing Karl was good at, Sapnap thought, it was getting someone to think about things that one wouldn't think about normally. Karl was the type to ask the questions nobody else asked, or maybe he asked common questions like 'what is the meaning of life' in complex ways.

"The same goes for thoughts. No, those are even less certain. How can I say for certain that my thoughts are my own? My thoughts could belong to some other person I dreamed up, am I hallucinating that thoughts of someone from a book I read are mine?"

The questions kept coming, too quick for Sapnap to answer, though maybe they were all rhetorical.

"If I am not my body or my thoughts, then... my interactions? Am I defined by my relation to the world? If no one is here to perceive me... do I cease to exist? If that is true... I can only despair."

"For, within this world, there is only the stone wall that denies me. With this world as all I know, I may as well be dead."

Sapnap swallowed, a newfound nervousness overcoming him.

"If I don't exist without someone here to perceive me... where do I go when you are not here? If I do not exist when you are not here with me... does that mean that you are me? Or am I you?"

A pause while Karl collected his jumbled thoughts.

"I beg of you... tell me the answer. You're the only one here, the only one who can answer me. What am I?"

A good question, and one that Sapnap even asked himself. What is Karl? What is Sapnap? 

What are they?

"There is no answer," he spoke simply and with such casualty as if he thought of the answer before that it caught Karl slightly off guard.

"And if there is no answer, then there can only be more questions. Oh, my... how much we have discussed. Ah, but how badly I wanted to hear someone say it," Karl smiled.

"I'm glad I asked you, it feels like just talking to someone can resolve the issue. Not that I've found any answers, but... I do feel better. Therefore... I think I will dwell on the mystery of myself for a while longer, I have to stand and face these thoughts. Nothing good comes of avoidance," he squeezed Sapnap's hand before letting go.

"I will see you soon," Karl sent Sapnap on his way.

Perhaps Sapnap would do his own dwelling on the mystery of themselves, more so himself. Maybe it was a what and not a who. For now, though, he would finish reading his book, Strait is the Gate by Andre Gide.