Our Tattooed Pain [Fangirl & Idol Series #3]

forty-five

Let go

For me, the sunset represents the word "leave". The moon represents the person who's left behind. Even when we are surrounded by darkness, we still shine. But the idea of seeing the sunset and the moon, only means that somebody is saying goodbye to you.

I sighed and went inside the tent. My comfort zones were already sleeping. I gave them a kiss on their cheeks before sleeping beside them.

"Mommy, wake up.. Sunrise na po!" Iminulat ko ang mga mata ko at bumungad sa akin si Jazean. Nginitian ko lang siya at hinalikan sa noo bago nag-ayos.

Devi was already taking pictures of the view. Jazean was playing around. I hugged Devi from the back. He was too busy with his photography thing!

I looked around and saw the sun rising. Another day, another pain. But those pain kept me alive for years. They made me stronger than I was yesterday.

"Love, let's take a picture. Hindi natin alam, baka ito na pala 'yung last-"

"Don't say that... Don't leave, babe. We can function without you but we can't be happy without you. 'Wag mo kaming iwan ni Jazean," humarap si Dhavien at yumakap sa akin. Ramdam ko ang takot niya na mawala ako..

In-announce na ni Dhavien sa public kung anong mayroon kami. Alam na rin nilang may anak kami ni Dhavien. May mga natatanggap akong hate comments pero buti naman at walang gano'n sa anak ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang magagawa ko kung sakaling idamay nila si Jazean.

Isinukbit ko na ang bag ko sa balikat ko at ni-lock na ang office ko. Nagpaalam pa muna ako sa mga empleyado ko bago lumabas ng studio at sumakay sa Mercedes-Benz ni Dhavien.

Humalik lang ako sa pisngi niya at umayos na ng upo, nakapikit na ang mga mata. Nakakapagod magtrabaho. Noong nag-aaral pa ako, gusto kong magtrabaho pero ngayon? Parang nagbago na yata isip ko.

"Matutulog muna ako, mahal. Gisingin mo nalang ako kapag nakarating na tayo sa bahay." May kalayuan kasi ang bahay namin kaysa roon sa bahay ng mga Andrada. Pero hindi naman gano'n kalayo.

Paggising ko nasa k'warto na ako. Lintek na Dhavien talaga. Ang sabi ko gisingin ako, hindi buhatin! Inayos ko lang ang kama at lumabas na ng k'warto namin.

Pagkababa ko, nasa dining room na si Jazean. Tumabi ako sa kaniya at hinintay si Dhavien na matapos sa pagluluto. Hindi ba siya napapagod? Pagkagaling niya sa trabaho, siya ang umaasikaso sa amin ni Jazean. Hindi niya ako hinahayaang gumalaw sa bahay.

"How's your new school, anak?" Nilipat kasi namin si Jazean ng school. Marami kasing bullies sa school niya dati, pati 'yung mga magulang nakikisabay.

"Okay naman po, mommy! Mababait po sila. Ay, daddy," nabaling ang atensyon niya kay Dhavien na naglalapag ng dinner sa lamesa. "Sabi po nung mommy ng friend ko idol ka niya raw po. Hingi raw po siya ng auto.. gram?" Sabay kaming natawa ni Dhavien sa sinabi ni Jazean.

"Ahh, autograph, baby. Sure, kapag hindi na busy si daddy or if you want, you can invite your friend and her family here."

"It's a boy po. Si Zandrei."

"Zandrei... What?! 'Yung anak ni tita Zandra and tito Zylhian?" tanong ko kay Jazean. Tumango lang siya at inabot 'yung ulam. Parang alam ko na kung sino makakatuluyan ng anak ko!

"But he's younger than you, baby. Hindi mo naman siguro siya ka-batch?" Hindi nga dahil mas matanda si Jazean. Lord, salamat at hindi na tatandang dalaga ang anak ko. Ems!

Malungkot ang kalangitan. Lumuluha nanaman ang mga ulap. Kasabay ng tunog ng ulan na bumabagsak sa lupa ay ang pagtugtog ng paborito kong kanta.

[You must think that I'm stupid. You must think that I'm a fool. You must think that I'm new to this. But I have seen this all before.]

The pain that I'm feeling isn't new to me. I've experienced more than that before. I have seen all the lies and broken promises. If Dhavien would choose to let me go, maybe, it wouldn't hurt anymore.

[I'm never gonna let you close to me. Even though you mean the most to me. 'Cause every time I open up, it hurts. So I'm never gonna get too close to you. Even when I mean the most to you. In case you go and leave me in the dirt.]

Wala na sa akin kung iwan niya ako ulit. Kakayanin ko na. Para sa 'kin, para sa amin ni Jazean.

Tumayo ako at nag-ayos ng mga gamit sa opisina habang nakikinig sa kanta. Napaigtad ako nang maramdamang may yumakap sa akin mula sa likuran. Hinayaan ko lang siya dahil alam ko naman kung sino ang yumakap sa 'kin.

"But every time you hurt me, the more that I cry. And every time you leave me, the quicker these eyes cry. And every time you walk out, the more I love you. Baby, we still stand a chance, we're sad but it's true..." I stopped moving and quickly dried my cheeks. I was crying..

"Yes, we're too good at goodbyes, love. But please, let's not.. think of leaving each other again. Stay with me, Yaz, for the rest of my life. You're my other half, baby. I am not complete without you." Ibinaon niya ang mukha niya sa balikat ko, doon siya umiyak.. Ayoko nito. Nasasaktan ako kapag nakikita o naririnig kong umiiyak ang mahal ko.

"Devi, the pain is still here. I cannot promise you a happy life.. These past few days got me thinking if I should stay or just walk away. The pain may be too heavy but the love was heavier. Talo ng pagmamahal ang sakit, Devi. Stop crying, mahal." I faced him and wiped his tears. I gave him a kiss and smiled.

"So, are you going to leave me?" he cried again. "Tell me your d-decision, Yaz.." He looked away to hide the pain.

"I decided to let go of this pain. And I'll do this with you. Ikaw at ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin ko." Iniwan ko siya saglit at kinuha ang isang maliit na kahon sa drawer. Binuksan ko 'yon sa harap niya at ngumiti. Bumagsak ang mga luha ko at nakagat ko na ang labi ko. "Devien Keint Andrada, do you want to be my tattooed pain? Kasi ikaw lang 'yung sakit na kaya kong tiisin. If your answer is yes, put this ring on your finger."

I automatically closed my eyes when I felt his soft lips on mine. He wiped my tears after breaking the kiss. He got the ring out of the box and wore it. He caressed my hair and smiled.

"You're the only mistake and pain that I would welcome again. I love you, my sunshine."

It may not be the happy ending that we imagined, but it would be the greatest ending that we deserve.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________