Wrong Person, Write Love.

Prose 020: Saudade

I've always wanted to name these feelings that have long resided in the most vulnerable parts of my heart. I was stuck in between the feeling of searching for something I've lost and can never find again-- or maybe something that I've been missing although I never had it in the first place.

I was so frustrated for I cannot put into words the stinging emotions that always come at the moments I thought I was okay. I am not sure if I'm looking for feeling, a word, a place, or a person.

I wasn't sure of anything-- not until I first heard the word 'saudade.'

It is said to be an untranslatable Portuguese word. As a self-proclaimed poet, I thought it was already fascinating enough how some words in other languages cannot have a direct translation in English, although it is said to be universal.

But now I realized, how can a mere word describe everything I felt?

Don't get me wrong-- I am not hurt or sad. Not anymore. If there was something I am feeling now, it would be relief. Finally, I'd figured out what you are to me, and why I was never able to unlove you even though you were never mine.

I was just missing you.

I was just missing every happiness I've felt when we were together even if we've always been apart. You were someone I would never forget for you are my first love, even if I was never yours.

For me, you have always been good enough to be remembered. I hope you know that I've loved you enough to never forget you.

I guess Mr. Manuel de Melo was right.

Saudade.

It was "a pleasure you suffer, an ailment you enjoy."

Saudade-- a love that remains.

Saudade, that is you.

- Aries