WORSE THAN A BLOODY HAND
is a hard heart.
PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY
The Winter Soldier's screams echoed throughout the entire Hydra base, even in the small broom closet they called my cell I could hear his suffering as they continuously shocked him over, and over, and over again. Hearing his agonizing screams one after another left me shaking from not only the cold ass ice sheet they called Siberia but with pure rage. They were hurting him. Why that made me so angry? I'm not sure, but I can feel the pool of rage building in my stomach as each scream graced my ears. I could barely hear myself think. I'm not sure why, but my body was relieved because of it.
It was rare that they brought both of us out of ice, us being the last resort especially after the JFK assassination. That put us in hot water. So, they put us both under and I've been under ever since. This mission must be dire if they're ripping me from the freezing hell hole they called cryostasis. Curled into a small ball on the floor, thousands of bruises littering my body from my latest escape attempt the thoughts refused to leave my head.
What would I do?
Where would I go?
Who would I be?
The incessant noise never leaving until they shocked the ever living shit out of me, but they still came back, like a weed in the furthest corner of a garden, one I could never kill. My thoughts became my own infestation, a hell in which I'd never escape, but somewhere deep down, something encouraged the hell that reaped my brain. It was like a small ray of light in a very dark tunnel, pushing, begging me to hold onto the buzz in the back of my skull. It was the only thing holding me to whatever my heart didn't want to let go, but whenever I thought about it my chest would ache and my body would shudder until water started trailing down my cheeks. I still didn't know why, but something was telling me it was important. So I held on, and I held on tight. After the Winter Soldier's screams died down, you managed to focus on what they needed him for.
"Желание" - (Longing)
"Ржавый" - (Rusted)
"Печь" - (Furnace)
"Рассвет" - (Daybreak)
"Семнадцать" - (Seventeen)
"Доброкачественный" - (Benign)
"Девять" - (Nine)
"Возвращение на родину" - (Homecoming)
"Один" - (One)
"Грузовой" - (Freight car)
'His trigger words...' I immediately thought. Hydra must need us for a mission, which meant my trigger words were next. 'Thank god.' I thought to myself. I hated being consumed by the ache of my heart and the buzz in the back of my head that only grew louder and louder until they shocked me. It was better this way, less painful. It made killing easier, even though I never forgot a single kill I completed, every life I took... they never left me.
They told me the people I killed were going to destroy the world and kill people, innocent people, and that's the only reason the pair of us complied. I was helping, saving others. However, watching the life drain from their eyes as I took their future away, it was impossible to forget, they haunted me. This almost made cryostasis seem less painful than the reality, almost. Sometimes I wished I could spare them, but Hydra always told me that if I didn't they would find a way to end the world as I knew it. That didn't make it hurt any less.
Before I could ponder on the thought anymore I was quite literally ripped from my thoughts as a pair of men drug me out of my cell, marching me to the room where it all happened. The Winter Soldier stood there, watching as they strapped me down and put the mouth guard in my mouth. It was then my turn to scream, the electricity frying my body, sending currents through my brain, all of it ending in excruciating pain. The crackling in my veins felt like lava dripping through me, slowly killing me, tearing me apart piece by piece, almost as if I was someone's birthday cake. Torn apart by a knife only to have two bites taken then left out because the presents were more fascinating. Then it all stopped, leaving me with an excruciating headache but somewhat at peace. My panting filled the room as the man flipped through a crimson red book with a black star dead center on it. When he found the page he desired, he began to speak.
"Бег" - (Run)
My mind started to feel as if it was being twisted like a hand towel. It was then I started to beg him to stop, to spare me from the pain. Even though I thought it would be better this way, it was all out the window as soon as the words started. It was like this every time because the pain would hit me like 10 trucks and I would instantly regret having thought of asking for it.
"Дым" - (Smoke)
As the pain started to subside as did my memories. It all started floating, drifting away from me like water draining from a bathtub.
"Зима" - (Winter)
I knew what was coming. It was all going, the only thing left to be left was the Soldier.
"порох" - (Gunpowder)
That's how they programmed both of us. Even though they completely wiped me, I would always remember my only teammate, but the most agonizing part was that the rest would leave me. It always did.
"Кровь" - (Blood)
There was no pain anymore, but the thoughts still lingered.
What would I do?
Where would I go?
Who would I be?
"Гидра" - (Hydra)
There were flashes of my past, my mom, my dad, my last celebrated birthday.
"Двадцать" - (Twenty)
Then there were the flashes of a gun pointed at their heads, them pleading with the person holding it to let them go, and when the shadowed figure stepped forward, it was me. It was always me. Their daughter was going to shoot them. When they realized who I was, they stopped pleading and instead said 'it was ok' and 'they loved you'.
Bang!...Bang!
After the gunshots sounded and I walked away unfazed, emotionless. Gone.
"вдова" - (Widow)
It was all blank after that, like a clean canvas waiting to be painted. I had no thoughts, no emotions. I was a shell. A hollowed body with no one inside.
"Доброе утро, солдат," (Good morning, soldier) The man spoke.
"Готов подчиниться," (Ready to comply) The hollowed out woman replied, this wasn't me. This was a monster, this was Hydra's strongest female weapon, this was the Widow.
"I have a mission for you. Sanction and extract. No witnesses." The man spoke. The woman then stood up and walked over to accompany her partner, before heading off to the garage.
( 1152. )
( April 4th, 2022 )
YOU ARE READING
A Troubled Mind
Fanfiction"She wore a troubled past like wings- she had been through hell, and though no one could see her demons, they could see the face that conquered them." -ATTICUS In which two souls find each other during trying times, they lean on each other for suppo...
