A new life; A captain America Romance; Book two

Chapter 8; How do you control it?

Nat opens her mouth to speak but I cut across her; "No, Nat, please." My voice is quiet but I try to sound strong. "What?" Tony asks, confused. I silently plead more with Nat but she's beside me now, whispering in my ear; "El, it's the only way to really see what you can do. It'll be okay." I close my eyes in defeat. I know she's right but it doesn't make it any easier. 
She turns to Steve and grimaces. Steve immediately realises what's going on and shakes his head. He looks furious with her. "Absolutely not. No. I won't do it. I don't want to scare her. No." He stares at me now, his eyes wild with anguish. "Can someone please tell us what the hell is going on?" Sam shouts, his annoyed words making everyone nod in agreement. 
I sigh, giving up. "Nat wants Steve to be the one who attacks me." All eyes are on me now. I raise my head and meet his gaze. "I've been seeing Malik or the other guy when I look at Steve. Doctor Price thinks it's my screwed up brain having trouble separating the good guys from the bad. I'm just confused." I look at my feet again, trying not to sound upset. Steve knows this and I know he doesn't blame me but I know this hurts him so much. I can't look at him. "Shit." Sam and Clint say together. Everyone's faces are blank and still but their wide eyes are silently asking all the things they want to. "Nat, please don't ask me to do this." Steve's voice is low, agonized.  "Yeah, maybe this isn't such a good idea." Bucky pipes up, his worried eyes penetrating mine and I shoot him an appreciative glance.
But before Nat can answer I walk over to Steve and squeeze his hand. His intense blue eyes look coal-black now as they search mine. "It's okay. I know it's not real and I know you won't hurt me." He smiles from under his heavy stubble for what seems like the first time in a very long time and the glimpse of hope I had spotted back when I was in the hospital returns to his face, briefly.
Tony is the one to awkwardly break the strangely intimate moment; "Cap, you good?" Steve nods, neither of us breaking eye contact with the other. I feel something brewing inside me, but it's not my powers. It's something else. Butterflies
After a minute, I sigh, again and walk to the other side of the gym. Steve takes a few steps back and turns to face me. I wait. He's hesitating. I know he doesn't want to move. He's still Steve. I close my eyes and try to concentrate. All I see his body pressed up against mine, kissing me, holding me. I remember the feel of his strong arms wrapped around me, carrying me. Protecting me. Then, the image I had seen in the car after leaving HQ hits me like a tonne of bricks. Steve's broken body lying on the ground, blood pouring from his chest. I can't remember what happened but my body is making me feel the way I did that night. The heartbreak and terror of seeing him like that, so close to death. I open my tear filled eyes and stare at him. I can't do it. I don't even want to try. He tilts his head and reaches his hand out to me from across the gym. I let the tears fall and in a second he's beside me, his huge hand cupping my cheek. 
I hate feeling like this. I don't know what's going on but the confusion, the guilt, the despair of just not knowing is too much. I pull his hand away and wipe my eyes, turning to Tony. "I can't do it. It's not working." I cough, trying to regain some power in my shaky voice. 
I expect Tony to be angry but instead, he wraps me into a soft, loving hug. My arms can barely fit around his iron suit, but I grab onto him as tight as I can. When he finally releases me it's just me it's just me, him, Bucky and Steve left in the gym. Someone must have quietly signaled for the others to leave. Good
Tony clears his throat and turns to Steve. "Okay, kid. That's enough for today. You did so well. Go rest." He smiles and leaves the room. I stare after him in surprise. It's funny, Tony is one of the few people here I actually remember but strangely, he's the one who seems so different. He's much quieter and more reserved than I ever recall him being. It worries me. The knot in the pit of my stomach that seems to have been there for weeks twinges, reigniting my fear that something doesn't feel right. There's something they're not telling me. 
I turn back to meet Bucky's eyes, then Steve's. They're both silent, waiting for me to speak first. I feel really uncomfortable. Shit. 
"Um, I think I'll stay and do a bit more training," I say, slowly, trying to hide my awkwardness. I think that one of them is going to speak but the both, simply, nod and leave the gym. 
I throw my head into my hands and groan, loudly, slapping my cheeks a couple of times as I tie boxing gloves around my wrists and try to snap out of what I'm feeling. The problem is, I still don't know what I'm feeling. I mean I like Bucky, right? But why can's stop thinking about Steve? It's like the more time passes, the more fuzzy my brain is becoming and I don't know if the images of us embracing are actually real or not. And I don't want to ask him. He won't tell me anyway.  He wants me to remember on my own. Maybe it's not my brain but muscle memory that's kicking in now when I look at Steve. My head is still unsure, my head wants Bucky to grab me and kiss me.. but my heart? My heart is a huge muscle. And it's remembering Steve. 
"Oh my God, Ellie! You're an idiot! You have fucking super powers and cannot remember the last three years of your life but you're standing here worrying about two men! Ughhhh!" I'm screaming at the top of my lungs as I punch the bag with all my power. The deep, low rumble in my body intensifies and my hands start to tingle. I scream again and suddenly, the bag flies over to the other side of the room, hitting the back wall and exploding. I glare at my hands, gasping for breath. "Now you fucking work?"
"Hey." I whip my head around with fright and see Bruce standing at the door of the gym, his arms folded across his chest. Oh god, did he hear me? I try to hide my bright pink cheeks as I fumble to remove the gloves, but my hands are still trembling. "Here, let me help you." Bruce's kind voice mumbles. He helps me take off the gloves and flashes me an apologetic, knowing smile. "Thanks," I whisper.
"Anytime." He hesitates for a moment but I know he wants to tell me something. I raise my eyebrows and he sighs. 
"I just wanted to say, I know how hard this must be for you, Ellie. I know how difficult it is when you have to be so in charge of your emotions every second. It's not easy." He's looking at his feet now and It hits me. 
"How do you do it, Bruce? How do you control your anger so well? I know it's the opposite for me, kind of. I mean if I can understand how to use this for actual protection and not hurting people? I just want to know how it works and not feel so afraid all of the time. I feel like a monster." I stop short, realising that I'm mumbling like an idiot, but also because I see pain in his face when I say the last word. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." 
He pats me on the shoulder and smiles, softly. "It's fine. I felt the same way for a long time. Sometimes I still do."
"And how do you get past that?" I'm whispering now, longing, terribly, for him to tell me, to make me feel like I'm going to be okay.
He's quiet for a long moment, thinking deeply. " You just have to try to see your abilities as a good thing. A part of you that you can use to help people, once you have it under control." 
"But that's the thing. If I can only use it when I'm angry or scared, I have no control over that. It happens involuntarily. The past few times it just exploded out of me! I couldn't stop it!" I shudder at the memory of me knocking Tony out, along with the other soldiers and Steve, holding his ribs, heaving. "What's your secret, Bruce? How do you control it?" 
He smiles, humourlessly and sighs. "My secret is being angry." I blink at him, confused.
"Being constantly angry allows me to keep my anger under control. It's not a sudden spike of anger that disrupts my concentration and lets the Hulk out, it's a constant, background anger that lets me decide when to unleash him." 
I laugh, half in shock and in admiration. "Wow. That makes so much sense." I muse.
He shrugs and smirks, again. "Just keep practicing, you'll get there. Just remember. You're in control. Not it. I find it best to visualise. Try to see your powers. Try to see it as an object you can use." I smile and nod and before I realise it, my arms are wrapped around Bruce's neck. He lets me hug him for a second before pulling away, embarrassed. "Thank you, Bruce."
He winks and walks out the door. I'm glued to the spot, thinking about what he just said. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I slowly realise that maybe, just maybe, I can get used to this thing inside me, after all.

***
All I've done for most of the past three days is try to practice and work on what Bruce had said. Being angry was the solution, not the problem. Instead of blocking out the anger, I had to embrace it, letting the terrifying images take over my mind, instead of trying to push them out. Malik, my mother's black eyes and veins. the black haired stranger, Steve's broken body, me hurting Tony, Lee hurting me, everything that I've been trying to block out, now spiraling through my head, making me terrified and irate. 

I'm in the grounds of the compound. I figured that since I'm actively trying to use my powers, and have no idea what damage I can really do, I should at least be out in the open, away from distractions and people. Certain people, anyway. 
It's nice out here. I hadn't realised just how much land was surrounding the building. Trees, a small meadow overlooking New York city. It's perfect, actually, because the past few weeks have been so stressful and upsetting. At least I have this peaceful space to be in after I've completely snapped and destroyed several oak trees. 
I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with my abilities. I've managed to control it, once or twice. As in; decide when it actually comes out, and not just letting it explode like vomit. I can make it extend up to thirty feet or so, crashing against objects and knocking them down. I vaguely remember stopping the soldier's bullet's in HQ after I woke up, but that was when I was cornered and petrified. I don't think I'm ready to practice that one yet. 
The sun is high in the sky above me as I crouch down and set up bottles and cans a meter meters away. In spite of myself, I actually feel a lot happier. I've tried to put all my focus into working on myself, in more ways than one. The confusion and worry, the unclear feelings about Steve and Bucky, the blind panic, in general, all seem to be actually helping me, now. 
The sound of muffled footsteps make me jump and I spin round just in time to catch a bottle of water Tony is hurling at me. "Hey, has these magical powers made your reflexes better too?" He asks, impressed. But just as I open my mouth to reply, I trip over a rouge bottle and tumble to the ground. Tony bursts out laughing as he bends down to help me up. "Guess not." I grimace and wipe the bits of grass off my pants and take a huge chug of water. 
"What's up?" I ask when I notice his smile turn sad. 
He stares at me, taking me in. "I just, I feel like we haven't really talked much since, well, everything happened." I nod, trying to study his expression. 
"We've been warned not to reveal too much to you about the past three years but I just wanted to say that I am so, so proud of you, Ellie." I choke on my water and stare at him, bewildered. "Woah, who are you and what have you done with Tony Stark?" I jeer, but Tony's face remains serious. 
"No really, El. I know you don't remember but we've gotten quite close over the past few years. You've been a real asset to the team and well, you're just handling all this so well. I mean, I knew you were strong but dealing with all this can't be easy and I just wanted to tell you that I was proud." His eyes are glistening and he refrains from doing his usual awkward throat clear or avoiding eye contact. 
I'm surprised that my usual urge to say something smart doesn't arrive. Instead I walk over to him and stand on my tip toes to kiss him on the cheek. The sound of my phone ringing pulls me away from this, actually, very sweet moment and I fumble in my pocket to answer. 
"Nat?"
"El, Where are you? Doctor Price is here for your session."
"Ughhhh, Okay, I'm on my way."
"Hurry, I think if she stands beside Steve any longer she'll spontaneously combust." 
I feel my face turning red with anger as I wave to Tony and sprint up the small hill to the compound entrance.
"Be there, now."

As I hang up and crash through the door, I don't realise the floor is wet. I slide and am just about to tumble to the marble floor when a pair of solid arms are suddenly around me, holding me tight. I stare up at him and my heart skips a beat. "T-, thanks, Steve." I stutter.
"Are you okay?" He asks, a small smirk pulling at his full, pink lips. He stands me up and I take him in. He's wearing his navy Captain America suit. His long hair and well kept beard and the way his eyes are piercing mine takes my breathing quicken. "I'm fine, thanks." 
I look over at Dr. Price who is probably unaware of the fact that she's pouting and her eyes are narrowed. I smile, inwardly and clear my throat. "Are you going on a mission? I ask, suddenly feeling a pang of worry in my stomach. "Sam, Clint and I are just doing some recon. We'll be back tonight." His voice sounds light but there's a look on his face now that resembles nerves. I nod and he turns to leave as Sam and Clint arrive. "Be careful." I shout just as he's about to walk out the door. He turns to me and flashes me a smile that makes my already unsteady breath stop altogether. "Always," and I smile at the familiarity of his word.