A new life; A captain America Romance; Book two

Chapter 5; One crisis at a time

I sit in the front passenger seat beside Bucky. My whole body is still shaking and the sense of calm and relaxation I had felt an hour ago is long gone. My knees are pulled up to my chest and my hoodie is stretched over to my feet. I'm cold. Bucky glances at me and turns the heating up, smiling, gently. 
He's quiet for a few moments then turns to me. "Are you okay?" I think for a second before answering. "No. I'm not." He nods and reaches over to pat my knee. "Try not to be too angry with him. He's just so upset about everything. He blames himself for what happened, El. All he wants to do is make sure you're safe."
I scoff, remembering his fingertips grasping my hands and the wild look in his eyes when he punched the trees. "He has a funny way of showing it." 
Bucky sighs and says; "He'll be absolutely furious with himself for losing it back there. Steve is usually the most together, patient guy I've ever known. But when your safety is involved it's like he just can't control his emotions. We're all just very worried about you, El."
I try to control my anger but It's so hard. I clench my fists into a tight ball and take a steadying breath. Come on Ellie. Concentrate on staying calm. It won't happen if you're calm.
I peer up at him. His huge metal arm is bulging out of the sleeve of his leather jacket. His long brown hair is shining as it catches the bright moonlight under his baseball cap. His eyes are a dark but piercing shade of blue. I let my eyes fall to his legs. They're muscular but not too much. Bucky catches me staring and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. I clear my throat and dart my eyes out the window. He seems so much kinder and softer than Steve. I can't remember any interactions I've had with him at all but he makes me feel safe. There's a playfulness about him. He's much less serious and intense. And very handsome. I shake my head trying to physically remove the thoughts that are taking over.
Jesus, stop! Don't you have enough to worry about?
Back at S.H.I.E.L.D I had felt safe with Steve. He was kind but I guess it was just because he felt guilty. He feels like what happened to me is his fault. Is it? Well if it is, I don't know how I can forgive him, especially after how frightened he made me feel back there. I know he's upset but he didn't have to lose it like that. I can tell he cares about me. We must be really good friends, But that doesn't stop being being furious with him right now. My head is spinning again and I rub my temples with my shaky fingers.
Bucky studies my face and clicks his tongue. "I don't know about you, but I am starving! Do ya wanna get some food?" It's like my body has an automatic response because when he says the word food; my stomach rumbles. He chuckles and takes the next exit.
We pull into a gas station. It's after 11 and the man in the store is just about to lock the door. Bucky runs over to him and knocks on the glass. I can't hear him but he slips the old man something. The man smiles widely and opens his arms, gesturing for Bucky to come in. After a couple of minutes Bucky jogs back to the car holding four bags of food. He grins as he plonks himself down and hands me one of the bags.
"Jesus, did you get one of everything from the store?" I smile. "I didn't know what you'd be in the mood for so yep, basically." I laugh and feel thankful in that moment to have a genuine smile on my face. "Do you want to park somewhere and eat or will we keep going?" 
I sigh. "Let's park. I don't really want to go there yet. If that's okay?" I ask, my eyebrows furrowed. 
"Your wish is my command." He winks and I feel a small shiver shoot up my back. 
We drive for a couple of minutes before reaching a small lake. It's pitch black outside, except for the moon which is bouncing off the body of water. He stops the car and turns over so he's leaning on his side, looking at me. He takes off his hat and runs his hands through his thick hair. I bite the inside of my cheek and busy myself by rifling through the mass of junk food on my lap. "Hey, you got Cadburys! It's m-"
"Your favourite, I know." He finished my sentence and we both smile. Mine is a little more awkward than his. 
I chew on the chocolate, slowly, staring at the moon. I can see Bucky studying my face, his eyes, boring into mine. It makes my heart flutter. I clear my throat again and turn to him. He's stuffing a burrito into his mouth and sauce drips down his chin. "Shit!" he mumbles and I giggle as I hand him a napkin. "You're a bit of a slob, you know that?" I laugh.
"Yeah, I know. It's always been a problem when it comes to the ladies. They never liked my messiness." He wipes his hands and takes a gulp of Coke. I watch as his protruding Adam's Apple moves under his stubble. "That wouldn't bother me." I hear myself saying and quickly blush. "I mean, I'm a slob too... At least I was more than three years ago. I suppose that's something that doesn't change. But who knows." I feel my face drop as I fiddle with a bag of chips, crushing a few of them in my hand. "It'll take time, Ellie. The main thing is you're alive and safe. We thought we lost you." 
I stare up at him as his jaw tenses. "Sorry, I shouldn't really be talking to you about this. The doctors said tha-,"
"I know, I know. They don't want anyone messing up my already fucked up brain." I scrunch my face and see Bucky smile. He's so sweet. There's something about him, his kindness and approachability that makes me feel like I've known him for a long time. I mean, I obviously do. Tony wouldn't have asked me to go with Bucky and Steve if he wasn't sure I'd be okay with them. Well, with Bucky anyway. I shudder again at the image of Steve's terrifying face in my mind. 
"Are you still cold?" Bucky asks me but is already removing his jacket before letting me answer. He wraps it around my shoulders. It smells really good. 
"Thanks, Buck." I blink and snap my head up to him. He's smiling. "That's what I call you, right? Buck?" 
"That's right." He chuckles and winks. I sigh and take a sip of juice. He's watching my lips move.
"So I know you can't tell me much about, well, me, but can you tell me something about you?" I ask, curiously. He shrugs his shoulders and says; "I don't see why not. I don't think that's against the rules." He flashes me a cheeky grin and I bite my cheek again. 
"Okay, can you start with how you lost your memory? I know you must have told me all this before but hearing it again might help me remember something else."
"Of course, I'll try anything if it can help you." I smile and he takes a big inhale of breath and pouts his lips.
"I was born James, Buchanan Barnes in 1917. My parents died when I was young. The army was all I knew or wanted. I enlisted and was assigned to the 107th in 1943. When we were captured by HYDRA, I was given a variant of the super soldier serum they had first used on Steve. It enhanced me. I was so strong and fast. We tried to defeat Schmitt but during a fight on a train in Germany I fell from a cliff. They found me, but with one less limb. The serum allowed me to survive but I was captured again and brainwashed by Hydra. I was an unstoppable zombie, killing anything and everything who got in my way. Decades later I was ordered to be eliminated by S.H.I.E.L.D but Steve saved me. He never gave up hope that his childhood pal was still in there, buried deep." He drops his head, deep in painful thought.
I nod, slowly, taking in every word Bucky says. This does sound familiar. "And your memories came back... after decades?" I swallow, hard.
"It took a very long time but I eventually found my way back and regained my memory. But I was brainwashed, El. It'll be different for you, I'm sure." I smile, weakly at his attempt to make me feel better.
"So, Steve? Steve is also a super enhance soldier? But he's really, really old too, right?" I raise my eyebrow, faintly recalling reading an article. Something to do with ice.
Bucky gasps and pouts, faking being offended; "Rude."  He makes me laugh. 
"But yes, you're right, El. Steve and I have been through a lot, together. He's my best friend and he cares about you so much. So I hope you can go easy on him." I'm not thinking about Steve. All I focus on is how sad Bucky looks, his eyes are dark, pleading. I reach over and grab his hand. "Thank you for telling me that. Some of it really does sound familiar."
We spend the next while talking about what I do remember from my childhood. I don't have to try too hard not to replay anything hurtful, Bucky just makes me think of the good stuff. I tell him about my mom, finding out about Howard and Tony, my school, childhood pets and how I got into computers. We move on to favourite movies and bands before first loves and kisses. "Scott Bell. He was my first kiss. I was in Seventh grade. We were at the dance and I noticed some of the girls making fun of him. He was short and skinny and shy. I marched over to him and asked him to dance. When we finished I kissed him on the lips, causing the bullies to look on in shock. He bulked up in high school and we dated for a while, much to the annoyance of most of the popular girls. But Scott never forgot how I helped him that night." I smile at the memory and look at Bucky, biting my lip. 
He's gazing into my eyes. A small, amused smile etched on his face. He's laughing, quietly. "What?" I ask, surprised by his reaction. 
"Nothing. I just, I have experienced something like that before, that's all." He continues to smile as his eyes flash me a look that makes my breathing fasten. "What about you? How's your love life? Are you seeing anyone?" I feel my cheeks go red as I realise just how eager I sound. He shakes his head. "No. There was a girl a few month ago but that didn't work out. I'm just too busy, I guess. My relationships never seem to stick. I never used to but now I find to difficult to get dates." 
"Hmmm," I muse. "Some girls are just idiots. You're a really nice guy, Buck." 
He laughs and quickly says; "Says the girl who also turned me down." I snap my head up again, almost giving myself whiplash. "What?!"
"Shit! Ellie I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. Shit! Just try forget I said anything, please?" I look into his wild blue eyes and cringe, then nod. I should feel embarrassed but I don't. All I can think about is why the hell I would have said no to him! I turn away, biting the nail of my thumb. Ellie, stop! One crisis at a time!

"Oh my God! It's 3 a.m. and I have 37 missed calls from Tony! Fuck, he's gonna kill me." He revs the engine and speeds away, dialing as he does so. "Tony, I- she's fine, she's fine. We stopped for food. We'll be there soon... Steve? Oh he told you, did he? Yeah.. I'll fill you in when we get there. Alright. Sorry. Okay, Bye.... Ooops!" Bucky turns to me and grimaces, making me laugh. He's so easy to talk to. I feel so calm and I haven't thought about Malik or my new abilities or anything bad for hours! 
But I suddenly feel exhausted. We've been talking for hours and I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. When we arrive at the ridiculous complex that houses the avengers I yawn loudly as Bucky helps me out of the car. I'm groggy and unsteady on my feet so Bucky's non metal arm slips around the back of his jacket, which is still around my shoulders and grips my waist. He lets me lean my weight on him as we reach an elevator.
*Bing*
The door opens and Steve steps out, his jaw clenched. His huge arms are pressed tightly across his chest which is rising and falling, rapidly. His eyes dart down to where Bucky's arm is grasping my waist which makes Bucky whip it away, fast. 
"Are you okay?" Steve asks, frantically. I glare at him and tut, feeling a nudge of electricity building, the bad electricity. "Fine. No thanks to you." I brush past him and get into the elevator, looking at the buttons. I scrunch my face and look up at Bucky. "I can show you to your room?" Steve asks, his expression is unreadable, but I think he looks sad. "No thanks. Buck, would you mind?" Bucky shoots Steve an apologetic look and hesitates. Steve drops his head and nods sticking his hands in his pockets. Bucky steps in and presses the button for the ninth floor. Just before the doors close I catch Steve staring at me with such a pained look on his face. A pang of unwanted sorrow and guilt hits my chest but I clear my throat and cross my arms, looking at everything but him.