A new life; A captain America Romance; Book two

Chapter 10; Ellie, we Can't

“We’re going to try some cognitive rehabilitation therapy today, Ellie. You seem to be coping better with your particular situation, so I think it’s time we start trying to rebuild your lost memories.” Doctor Price is scribbling on her notepad, eyeing me, cautiously.

“I wouldn’t say coping, as such, but I do feel like I’m starting to get more used to it. I think. Although, I still don't know how to fully control it.” I’ve noticed myself feeling a little closed off from the doctor lately. She’s nice and I do like her but for some reason, I can’t seem to get her gooey-eyed face, fawning over Steve out of my mind. I mean, Not that I blame her. He is very handsome.
“That’s great, Ellie. I’m really happy for you. You'll have full control over it in no time, just keep practicing. Now all we have to do is try help you get your memory back.”
I clear my throat, trying to compose myself as I feel a surge of electricity bubble in my gut.
“So, what does that mean? Cognitive therapy? You’re not going to hook me up to a machine and shock me or anything, are you?” I ask, half jokingly, half worriedly.
Doctor Price smiles, amused. "No, no nothing like that. I'm just going to try to use some techniques and exercises to see if we can get things moving." She motions for me to lie down on my couch as she moves the armchair closer and removes her glasses. 
"Okay, take a deep breath. Try to relax." Her voice is soothing, but I can't help the anxiety rising within me.
I let out a huge, slow breath and close my eyes. Trying to stay calm. But the truth is; I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I'm going to see. 
"Ellie, I want to try tell me everything you remember from that night in New Jersey. But I want you to focus on your senses. What you smell, feel, taste, see and hear. Some patients find this very useful when trying regain memory. I've asked some of your colleagues what exactly happened in Camp Leigh so I'm going to try to guide you as much as I can, Okay? But I need you to be prepared for some of the distressing things we're about to discuss. It's going to be difficult. "
My eyes dart open and I turn my head to look at her, in shock. "What? Who did you ask? I don't understand? I thought everyone said I have to take my time and not rush things. What's the hurry? What's going on?" I hear my voice rising with panic and notices doctor Price twitch as she stares at my hands. I hadn't realised they were shaking, violently.
"Ellie. You need to calm down. We cannot have an incident. Try to relax. I know you're anxious but, unfortunately, this is necessary." I eye her, suspiciously, sensing that there's something she's not telling me. But she's avoiding my gaze now, scribbling on her notebook, again. 
I huff and concentrate on slowing my breathing. I slowly lie back down and close my eyes, again.
Doctor Price waits a minute or so before speaking. 
"Ellie. On the night of the third of August, you were driving back from the compound and you were taken by Gideon Malik. He brought you back to Camp Leigh in Jersey where he held you captive."
I squeeze my eyes and my breathing quickens. I mean, I know I was there and I do remember tiny pieces but it's all broken. 
"I want you to try to recall what you can hear. Can you do that for me, Ellie?" 
What I can hear.... What I can hear? My head is killing me, all of a sudden and I feel queasy. 
"I,- I can't. I don't know." I whisper. I'm really trying but it's not working. Suddenly. A sound hits my ears; Heavy footsteps and gunshots and I feel tears gathering in my eyes. 
I must look really upset because I feel doctor Price's hand on my shoulder. It makes me jump. 
"Sorry." She whispers. "Breathe and try to concentrate. You're safe here, Ellie."
I do as she tells me and try to focus.
"Footsteps. An,- And men speaking German. Gunshots." I whimper.
"That's really good, Ellie. You're doing so well. Okay, what can you see?"
All I see is Malik's evil fucking smile and it makes me sick. "I see Malik, standing in front of me. He's laughing. I,- I can't move or speak. My hands are tied and there's something over my mouth." I lick my lips absentmindedly and notice how weak my voice sounds. 
"Okay, good. What can you smell? Was there water near you?"
"Smell? I-, I smell..." Seaweed!
"I think I can smell seaweed."
"Excellent. Now, when you were on the roof, right before Malik injected you. Who can you see, hear?"
I strain my brain to the point of agony. Blurry images dart in front of my eyes. They're hard to make out. 
"Was Steve there?" She presses.
I almost stop breathing at her words. Steve? Steve was there!
"Ye-, Yes. Steve is kneeling in front of me. He looks hurt. He's bleeding." The tears are stinging my eyes now as the image of his broken body resurfaces in my head.
"No! He's dying!" I scream and feel the doctor's hand hold my shoulder, tighter. 
"It's okay, Ellie. He's okay. He's safe. What happens next?"
My whole body is trembling as I try to piece together the memory. But I'm falling. Falling so fast and then I'm in water. It's freezing. 
"I-, water. I'm in the water. I think I'm drowning. I can't breathe." I'm lost in the images swirling through my head. They're making me dizzy. I can actually feel the water filling in my lungs and I'm starting to hyperventilate.
"Breathe, Ellie, Breathe. You're safe. Now tell me about the black haired stranger. What do you remember?" He voice is shrill now, urgent. 
My body is tingling and I'm fighting with everything I have to not lose control. Then, my mother's face is right in front of my eyes. It looks so real. 
"My mom! She's-, she looks terrible! Her eyes are black and her veins! Oh God what's happening!" Both doctor Price's hands are wrapped around my shoulders, now but I can't open my eyes. "He's there! He's standing over her! There's a blue light shining in his hands, but he's torturing her! Stop! Who are you? Please stop." I hear myself screaming. I'm terrified.
"Ellie? Ellie calm down! Ellie, open your eyes!" The doctor sounds frantic as she shakes me vigorously. I feel the electricity burning in my fingers and my eyes dart open again when I hear a gasp. I'm standing up now, my arms raised, pointing towards her. She looks petrified. There's thunderous banging on the door and in sprints Tony, Nat and Bucky. "What's going on? We heard screaming!"
 Tony and Nat run over to the doctor while Bucky comes to me. His hands are locked around my face and his sharp blue eyes are searching mine, pleading. I try to fight him off but he's too strong for me. "Ellie, Ellie, it's me. Ellie look at me. You're okay." He engulfs me in a strong hug and rubs my back, gently. My face is pressed against his chest and I try to focus on matching my breathing to his. 
After a few minutes, I slowly start to calm down but panic hits me when I look over and see Doctor Price being checked by Tony and Nat. My stomach sinks. 
"Oh my God! Are you okay? I am so sorry." I try to fight back the tears but the disgust I feel about myself is making it impossible. 
She gives me a weak, nervous smile. "I'm okay, I'm fine. You didn't do anything. I'm sorry Ellie. I shouldn't have pushed you too hard. Next time we'll take it much slower."
Next time? No fucking way. I'm just about to protest when Tony butts in with; "What do you mean you pushed her too hard? What were you asking her? You told me you wouldn't try to force her to remember." He sounds livid.
"I'm sorry Mr. Stark but Director Fury insisted I try help move the process along." She stands up straight now, facing Tony full on, expecting his outburst, I assume.
"The process! The process! Don't you people have any fucking idea what she has been through? She will remember when she remembers and not you or Nick Fury are going to force her to do it!" His face is alive with anger and I feel a sudden pang of appreciation and admiration for my big brother, right now. 
"You and I both know we simply do not have that kind of time anymore. In fact, Captain Rogers should be back soon and I suspect Director Fury will be calling a briefing in the coming days." She's trying to sound strong but I can hear the nervousness in her shaky voice. 
Tony opens his mouth to retort but then, drops his head in defeat. What is she talking about?
"Tony? What's going on?" I ask, quietly but I know he won't tell me. 
"It's nothing, El. Just something Fury wants us to look at. Don't worry." He sounds strange, manic. I narrow my eyes at him and then turn to Bucky, only now realising that he's holding both of my hands, a little too tightly. I stare down at them and raise my eyebrows. "Sorry," he winces and flashes me an apologetic smile. 
"Ellie, I'm sorry about that. Maybe we should talk later in the week to set up the next session." I want to refuse. To tell her to go to hell but I just haven't got the energy. Instead I massage my temples and nod my head. 
Tony walks the doctor out, with Nat on their heels. "You okay?" Nat asks before leaving. I shrug and she nudges me in the side, playfully. "I reckon we should have a drink tonight, what you say? Get outta here for a few hours?" 
I hesitate for a moment but then, shake my head. I'm too dangerous to be around anyone. "Have a think about it," she whispers, before winking and hurrying out to catch up with Tony. 
I plonk back down on the sofa and place my head in my hands. I can't believe I just did that. I seriously need to work on controlling my emotions. That was way too close. Bucky sits beside me and wraps his metal arm around my shoulder as I try to push the image of my mother out of my head. I can't help but notice how oddly warm and comforting this massive hunk of metal is. He doesn't speak. He just lets me sit there in silence, which I greatly appreciate. 
I finally raise my head to stare at him. He looks worn, tired and very worried. I rub my thumb against the tight lines on his forehead and he smiles, closing his eyes at my touch. I sigh and throw my head against the back of the sofa. 
"Don't be too hard on yourself, El. You're doing so great," he says, softly, taking my hand in his, again. 
"No. No I'm not, Bucky. This is all just too much. I need to train more. I need to work on controlling it and I need to find out who the fuck this man is that's haunting me!" I'm standing again, pacing the room. "I just need to know if he's real or not and who the fuck he is!" 
Bucky stands and and grabs my shoulder, steadying me. "Ellie, you need to rest. You-,"
"To hell with rest. I need to get outta here. I'm going to train." And I'm out the door before he has time to respond.
I make my way down to the ground floor so I can work on my powers outside. It's lashing rain but I can't risk being in the gym. Not when I'm feeling so on edge. 
I sprint down to my usual spot just near the edge of the meadow and set up my bottle and cans. The rain is stinging my hot cheeks but it feels nice. It's cooling me down. I take a deep breath and try to focus on extending my power to hit the bottles. Nothing happens. I scream in frustration and hurl one of the bottle at a nearby tree instead causing it to shatter, before I throw myself onto the soaking grass. 
My power is tingling in the tips of my fingers. It's there. I know it is. Then why the fuck won't you work!
Bruce had said in the beginning that I need to be angry or upset for it to work. I'm extremely upset now so why won't it come? I had been doing okay before, managing to get it under control and work when I wanted it to. Maybe I'm just tired. I feel absolutely drained. 
Before I can stop them, the tears have come. They're stinging my cheeks now instead of the heavy raindrops from above. I hadn't noticed that the rain had stopped and it's starting to get dark now. I'm shivering as I put my head between my knees and breathe so deeply. I must be here a long time. I can't stop picturing my mom and the evil man standing over her. "Please come back. Just remember God dammit!" I whisper to myself into my saturated jeans. 
I try to practice what Doctor Price told me; focus on your senses. The problem was this memory, if that's what it is, was from when I was a child. Why am I suddenly seeing it now? Okay, focus. Smell.... what can you smell... nothing. What can you feel? Grass maybe? Or is that now? Ugh this is hopeless!
Then, I have a crazy thought. I smirk to myself; half in interest, half in fear. My power is a force field of some sort right? A protective mechanism... What if it's running through my entire body, protecting me without me knowing it. What if this new ability is actually partly responsible for making me forget? Protecting my brain in some way? I laugh, humourlessly and sit up straight. I lower my legs so that they're flat against the cold ground and crack my neck. Okay, focus and breathe. I raise my palms and rest them against my temples, trying to conjure whatever it is that's inside them. Remember what Bruce said.... use your anger, don't hide from it. I open the floodgates of dark, terrifying images that are trying to possess my mind and my fingers start to tingle. The electricity is bubbling at the tips and then it's suddenly in my skull.
I see her. My mom. Black eyes and veins, him standing over her, a blue light hitting her chest. People screaming. Gunshots. My mom's friend shooting at him while hiding me behind her. And.. Nick Fury??

"Ellie? Are you okay?" I gasp and snap my head up to see Bucky standing there. He's holding out a blanket and has a very worried look on his face. I nod and drop my head again, trying to calm myself down. Then I feel something warm and dry wrapping around my stiff shoulders. "You should really go back inside. You'll catch cold out here." His voice is soft, concerned. "I just need a few more minutes," I whisper through a shaky voice. I think about telling him what I just saw but decide against it. Until I know if that was real or just my fucked up brain, there's no point worrying anyone. I start to shiver and Bucky sits behind me, pressing his strong chest against my back and wrapping his arms around me. I can feel his breath on my neck and it makes me shiver. 
As tense and confused as I feel right now, I'm glad Bucky is here. He makes me feel safe. I sigh and lean back into him, grateful for his warmth. "Bucky?"
"Yeah, El?" 
"Thank you for everything. You've been such a good friend." 
I feel him take a deep breath. "No problem. I just want to help you in any way I can, El. I know what you're going through and just want to make sure you know I'm here for you." 
A wave of affection engulfs me and as I feel his grip tightening around me, something else is bubbling within me. In this moment, I just want to feel comfort. I want to feel the touch of someone I know I can trust and someone who is kind and safe. Before I can talk myself out of it I turn my head and stare into his deep blue eyes. I touch his face with my hand and he nuzzles into it. Then, I'm just about to lean in and touch my lips to his when he whispers; "Ellie, we Can't." I stop and sigh through my pouted lips which are nearly touching his. "I know. You're right. I'm sorr-," Just then, a dark figure standing on the hill catches my eye.
Bucky pulls away and jumps to his feet, staring in shock at Steve. A low growl is heaving from his chest and he starts running down the hill towards Buck and me. His face is contorted in anger and his hands are balled into fists. 

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Hope you're enjoying book 2 guys. All feedback welcome :)