Euphoria

22: It's Okay To Not Be Okay

"Mujigaecheoreom jiwojin kkumeul chaja hemaet eulkka
Unmyeong gateun heunhan malgwa dalla"

Maya hummed as she painted her nails. Purple. A colour she grew to like recently. It was soothing and calm. Mostly it felt like a connection. A long lost connection.

Her phone rang. She smirked, knowing exactly who was calling her. She picked the phone without any hesitation. A smile appeared magically on her lips, she put the call on speakers.
"Hi, Kookie."
She chimed. There was always something about Jungkook that made her dreamy. The man she loved. His giggles floated to her ears from the other line,
"Hi Love."
She blushed, quickly bursting out into a coy laughter,
"You really know how to make a girl blush, Tokki. Now, did you like the cake?"
"Loved it, Princess!"
"And what about your... Hyungs? Did they like it? Did I make it too sweet? Were the tangerines sour?"
"They were just perfect, my princess."
"Really?"
Jungkook chuckled hearing her squeal. It was maybe hard to love her. Constantly assuring her that she was worth it and perfect. Her insecurities took the best of her many times. But it was harder not to love her. How can he not? How can he not notice the way her eyes scrunched close everytime she smiles? How can he jot notice the faint attempt of being lovable even though she doesn't need it? How can a person not love her? Maya deserved all the love in this world. Every single heart.
"Yeah. Now, did you have your dinner?"
"Yeah... I had instant ramen and soda."
"You need to eat healthier Maya. You are going through a lot..."
"But Guk, I don't feel like eating. There's this some kind of pain. Everytime I'm alone. There's like a chain of horrible thoughts. I feel as if something bad's gonna happen always. People tend to leave me no matter what."
Maya couldn't help but sob. A string of emotions tying her up. Sometimes she's happy, sometimes she's at her worst. Her head's just messed up.
Jungkook heard her sob. It broke his heart. Just broken to pieces. Maya clearly was going through a lot. And he wanted to help.
"Maya, I'll always be there for you, if not with you. I'll always be the calmness you need in life. But you need to seek help from a professional. You told me something abiut therapists..."
"Can we not talk about how I'm not a normal person? Please?"
Maya felt helpless. She didn't usually tell people about the "therapists" cause people would then know that she's not okay.
"Maya, it's okay if you don't want to talk about it. It can be hard for you. Maya, I'm always there to help, listen and assure you. Whenever you need me. But by no means, you can say that you aren't 'normal'. Don't shut yourself in, okay?"
Jungkook's voice laced with worry. It was softer than usual. Maya scoffed. She was being pitied. Again. Fuck you life!
Jungkook guessed what she was thinlinh, judging by her scoff. He quickly rambled,
"Just so you know, I just want to help. I'm not pitying you. I just love you and can't bear to lose you. Okay, Maya?"
"You read my mind?"
Maya sniffed. Her mind foggy. He chuckled,
"Of course my angel. I know you like the back of my hand. Cause my heart belongs to you. So does my soul. I love you. And I'll tell that to you every second of my life if you need to hear it."
"I love you."
A squeaky little voice coming from the other line. Three small words and Jungkook was floored. His Taehyung Hyung and Jimin Hyung, who were apparently playing overwatch in his room, were giving him weird looks. Well it's not their fault that an adult man was rolling on the bed giggling,
"SHE LOVES ME!"

"Jungkook, you know right, that I can hear you?"
To be honest, Maya liked how his voice sounded. Maya was almost wishing to see him. How he was giggling. Maybe his cheeks were red and his eyes and nose were scrunched up.
Jungkook stopped abruptly. Making the 95 liners burst into laughter, on the floor. Stupid Jungkook, you are on a call not texting.
"It's okay, I found you cute. And you are you no matter what. And I'm actually grateful that you aren't putting on a mask in front of me..."
The sentence was too much to swallow at this point. Too hard to spit. Maya gulped, her voice low,
"Like me."
"Maya..."
"I know. I know. I'm the worst person alive. I don't deserve anything..."
"Maya, I'm going to stop you right there. I know it's rude to cut someone off but I don't care. I'll prove ypu wrong one word by word if I have to. You better love yourself before loving me. It's hard, I know. But please don't give up. If you have to love someone, it should be yourself. I love you. I love you more than anything. Please love yourself. Please?"

"Kookie, I don't want to sleep. But I'm tired. I'm also terrified... I don't want to sleep. I'll have nightmares, maybe. I get this constant feeling that everything's gonna change, not in the good way though, when I wake up. You wouldn't be there, every one wouldn't act polite in the fake way, everyone would hate me."
Jungkook paused for a second. Her sleepy voice felt like a warm ray of sunshine. But he didn't faze. She was scared. Jungkook felt a tinted pain in his heart. He couldn't bear Maya's pain.
"Would you mind if I facetime you."
Maya glanced at the clock. Weird. It was almost 12. Why wasn't the pain there? She can't deny, there was a tiny buzzing pain inside her brain, but it was nothing compared to the other days. Maya hummed,
"No. I wouldn't mind Hwangjanim."

"I'm going to stay on call whole night. So that you don't feel alone. Not even one bit. And if you have a nightmare, tell me, even if I'm asleep. Just call me by my name. I swear, I'd be there to hear you out. Sounds like a deal, Princess?"
Jungkook had concern laced on his eyes. He was worried about her. She's in terrible need of help. And he's going to help her.
Maya smiled, taking a final glance at the clock. It was weird how she was awake till 12:15. But the numb pain was growing stronger. She was scared that the pain might arise any moment now. Her heartbeating faster. Her voice low,
"Goodnight, my sweet Prince."