Ambivalent

23. Constant Suffering

Rune

The universe didn't like me. Not even a tiny bit.

After what Akara did to me, my perfect world crashed down completely. My heart was broken into pieces; my father disowned me before he had a stroke; we lost the hotel, the mansion and the villa; I had to sell my Volvo to pay my father's hospital bills though there was only hatred in his eyes whenever I went to visit him; as if it wasn't enough, my own uncle forced me to work for the hotel to humiliate us more...

I lost everything... my love, hope, faith, father, money, future...

As I was dead inside, I decided to live for my father. After what I caused for him, I owed that to him though he kind of deserved what happened to him.

Ironically, no matter how much I tried, I couldn't hate Akara. After my father had the stroke, Kamol came to the hospital and showed me the video in which my father cold-bloodedly ordered Akara's parents' death. My heart ached for him as he was tricked to live with the murderer of his family and was forced to save the life of the murderer's son for years.

With the information, understanding came. Now, I knew why he was so strange at that ominous night, insisting too much on the matter of the blood supply. I acted as if I didn't care, well actually I really didn't care, and that made him furious. His life had been ruined for me, who didn't even care about him. If I were him, I would also be angry.

Yet, I would never do what he did.

I didn't want to believe that he just pretended to care for me and love me. I would definitely sense the fakeness behind his actions, right? I wouldn't be that clueless... The way he hugged me, touched me, fondled me, kissed me, made love to me... they all convinced me that his feelings were genuine.

If he said he really loved me when I confronted him that day, I could even forgive him, but no. Cold-bloodedly, he kept saying it was all acting and he really didn't love me, so I guess he was just good at acting.

After I opened my eyes in the hospital with Som by my side, all I could feel was pain and agony. I wanted to hate Akara as it would make it so much easier to forget him, but somehow I couldn't. Therefore, I hated myself instead. Like Akara said, I was pathetic, I couldn't even realise the enemy inside my own house, I let him use me and that made me lose everything.

Well, even the universe thought I was pathetic and decided to send karma to punish me for that. Now I was working in a position which I said I would never work in and living in a shabby flat which I said I would rather die to live in.

I also stopped getting transfusions and injections though my doctor told me that Akara donated blood for both already, only God knew why.

Still, I sucked all up and like a robot, I survived each day, thinking my life would be like that until I died.

Then he showed up.

The man I believed I would never see again.

At first, I thought I was hallucinating as I was super tired, but his grip on my arm was too realistic. Too realistic that all the negative feelings I thought I suppressed flooded back to my mind.

I wanted to escape before I broke down again in front of my enemy, but Akara didn't let me.

"I didn't know how much you suffered and I am so sorry for being the cause for it," he said with sadness colouring his words and tried to give me a bag of money.

As if I was an expensive slut...

As if I would accept his dirty money...

As if his late apology meant something for me...

With the surge of anger, I yelled at him to get lost although it was me who hailed a taxi first.

All through the ride, my trembling didn't subside, so I thought I was about to faint. I was shocked, angry, disappointed and sad at the same time as all those bad memories broke free from the mental cages I curbed them in.

How dare he?! How dare he show up casually and say sorry while offering a bag of money?! How dare he agitate me again when I thought I was okay again?! What does he want from me now?

With the haunting thoughts in my mind, I managed to enter my flat before collapsing on the sofa.

Dear universe, do I really deserve to suffer this much?