Ambivalent

36. Unassuageable Feelings

Rune

Sleep here tonight...

Akara's out of the blue words echoed in my mind like ripples. I must have been looking blankly as Akara snapped his fingers in front of my face, calling out my name.

"I didn't mean it in that sense," he explained with a horrified expression.

"Oh." Am I disappointed? No way! Come on body, don't sway to him!

As I was silent again, Akara continued, "that sofa of yours is not good enough to sleep on it. You need a proper bed to rest."

"Ah, it is okay, I don't sleep much." The nightmares never leave me alone.

Akara sucked a deep breath, his eyes brimming with concern.

Did I say it out loud?

There was brief silence before he said "now I can't really let you go. Please stay here, if you don't want me near, I can sleep on the sofa or I can go to your flat."

I gaped at him with astonishment, did he really care about me to that extent? Misunderstanding my dragging silence, Akara stood up. My unruly hand worked on his own and grabbed his wrist while my unruly mouth said "I will stay."

Only three words and Akara's mood changed completely. The corner of his lips lifted up and his eyes shone visibly.

He was indeed sincere.

"Let's grab your stuff then," he said when he was done smiling.

"Only for tonight though," I underlined so that he wouldn't expect much. My emotions were still in turmoil, so I couldn't afford to be hasty.

"We will see," he murmured as he pulled me up from the sofa.

I went up to my flat, changed into pyjamas and went down after brushing my teeth. Akara seemed not happy seeing me bare handed, but he refrained himself from commenting on it.

Awkwardly, we stood on both sides of the bed, not knowing what to do next as if it was our first time to share a bed. As Akara was the host, he forced himself to take control over the weird situation. Gesturing at the bed, he said "you just sleep in the bed, I will take the sofa."

I looked at him with disbelieved eyes as there was no way he would fit that small sofa. Gathering my courage, I said "we can share the bed, it is big enough."

Akara didn't make me repeat twice. He immediately jumped on the bed and lay down on the right side. Silently chuckling in the face of his childish behaviour, I followed his suit and lay on the left side. Akara covered us with the blanket and turned off the bedside lights.

"Good night."

"Good night," I replied, though I had my suspicions about how good the night could be.

We lay side by side without touching each other in the dark room. Being afraid to cause a scene during my sleep, I kept my eyes open and rather focused on Akara. Interestingly, before long his breathing stabilised. I propped myself a bit to look at him and got lost in his peaceful sleeping face.

Oh God, how much I missed him being near me. During those lonely months, I tried to convince myself that I was okay by myself, that I didn't love Akara that much.

I couldn't be more wrong.

Now Akara was an arm away from me and my heart was beating so hard, leaving me no space to deny my unassuageable feelings.

Maybe after all this ended, we could...

I shook my head to disperse the dangerous thought. Who could know better than I did how fast the night changes?

Sighing in desperation, I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else. Maybe I was too tired because of the haunting thoughts or maybe because of Akara's calming presence, but I fell asleep.

I don't love you... just pretending... all set up... who could love you... a loser... miserable... laughing... taunting... stop it!.. please... still laughing...no... NO!...

Rune!

I woke up with a start and found myself in Akara's arms.

"It was a dream, you are safe... I got you," he repeated to my ear as he wiped my sweat from my temples and neck. Panting hard, I snuggled up to him more to share his soothing warmth. Akara understood my intention immediately and tightened his hold after covering me with the blanket.

"I am... sorry..." I said with a shaky voice, too embarrassed to be seen in that terrified condition as well ruining Akara's peaceful sleep.

"Shh, don't say that, I am happy to be here," he said and I felt his lips on my hair.

Although I believed that I couldn't sleep again after the terror I had, somehow I felt so secure in Akara's arms, and listening to his heartbeat, I drifted off to sleep for the second time.