An-EXIT

CHAPTER 30 (ANXIETY ATTACK)

AHAANA

'I should have been asleep by this time, but why am I still awake?' I tried to move to the side of my bed to check the time but couldn't.

What is happening? I'm sleepy, but my eyes are wide open. My body, it feels tied up. I-i can't move. My throat just won't stop aching. My tears, they can't stop falling. I'm screaming, so loud, so fucking loud but.... It's just in my head. My voice, it fails to reach out to the world.

What's happening, all of a sudden?

I remember, I went to bed early. Arushi and Moorna went out for some shopping. I was alone in the room. Done with my assignments and had nothing to do. After that I felt like sleeping. it was as if.... As if my body was shutting down, so I decided to get some sleep.

No, wait. I read a letter. I read a letter before going to bed. It was... it was from the stranger. And he.... Cleared my doubt. Mitansh, he's the stranger. First time, the letter came from the stranger's side. It was not me who wrote about all the thoughts hidden in my head, but him. Mitansh was suffering, and I didn't see. He was suffering the same way as I was. I overpowered his pain with my thoughts and words. I didn't give him a chance to speak or share. I blinded my vision to just focus on myself. I-

I tried to move my body again, but the energy and efforts went in vain. My legs were shaking, I couldn't stop them. Mitansh, I forced him to write about himself. I decided not to talk without even giving him a chance to explain himself. I was selfish, I only thought about myself. I hurt him. He must've been in so much pain when he decided to write the letter. The poem he wrote about himself......each and every word from the poem is still playing in my head like a broken record.

"Confused expressions, Unfortunate to feel the pain, Not able to figure out, Is the end near or has already taken place?" What did he mean by those lines? What did he mean by the 'end'? Wait, the lines in his letter, yes, it connects.

'When you finally get to understand that your life, the aim which you were running to complete was never yours, a white flash like blanket covers your eyes. It makes every emotion a blur. Is your end near or has already happened? The time when I chose someone else's life as my own to live, was that the time I lost everything? Am I really me or was I never me from the start?'

He wrote everything, he explained everything. But 'Who's aim' 'Who's life' is he talking about? What's troubling him so much to make him feel that he's not true to himself? Ugh, I can hear his voice overlapping every other thought in my ears. I can hear his shout, "Ahaana, listen! Ahaana stop, what did I do wrong?" At that time while walking away I didn't know I was giving him another reason to doubt himself. I'm so selfish. His voice, it's growing louder with every passing minute.....it's getting chaotic.

I placed my hands over my ears as if it would stop the voice in my head. instead, it got louder with every tear rolling down my eyes.

There is no outer stimuli or a barrier that's stopping me, I was on my bed, free from everything........ But, I can't ignore the true reason. My inner conscience. My mind is slowly controlling me. It is overpowering my senses.

I began to chew the collar of my t-shirt and started counting numbers in my head to stop myself from thinking anything. I had no control over my limbs, so I decided to put my energy into breaking this negative control. But, I lost this war the moment I entered THAT part of my mind. The part where I have locked all my self-doubts hidden from myself and the world.

And as of today, I made the mistake....so, here I am drowning.

There is no way the pain I'm feeling right now can be considered colossal. There are people out there in this world who suffer, both physically and mentally. Their sufferings are much greater than mine. Their cries, their pain, their sacrifices, all are much greater and substantial than mine in every way possible.