I'm sorry

Numb

So I haven't updated in a while BC honestly I haven't felt good at all. All I do is mess things up. I can't do anything right at cheer. My depressions worse. I relapsed on #projectbrennon. I didn't win the trip to LA to meet Johnnie and Bryan which partially feels like my fault and that they hate me to the point where I can't go bc I'm too ugly and fat and all to meet them. My suicidal thoughts are to the point of ive written letters and I have things set out. Things more permanent. Things like drinking bleach, eating a bullet, jumping off a building, etc. it's gotten to the point of I can't do anything right without being yelled at. Being yelled at makes it worse. Know I'm not doing this for attention this relieves some of the stress and helps me cope just not enough. My coaches hate me. I'm not good enough for my team. If I was then we would be in Las Vegas at the competition competing. If I was pretty and skinny enough I would have a boyfriend. If I had a thigh gap I would be more desirable. I'm just tired of everything. I'm tired of living in a world full of bs. I hate it. I hate my sister. I can't stand my parents. I can't stand my coaches. I know they hate me. I can see it in their eyes. It drives me mad. To the point I've wanted to kill my self even more. I hear things get better. Things were better. Now they just get worse. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes down. I hate not being good enough. I HATE HEARING THE LIES THAT IM GOOD ENOUGH AND THINGS GET BETTER. If all your gonna comment is that then go fuck your self. Hate me all you want, I'm used to I. I hate myself enough as it is. I hope you all realize those comments make me cut more so go ahead there are 75 comments so far. That's 75 cuts added to my collection. This was a rant but I don't give a fucking damn. If I did I would say so. Bye.