I'm sorry

Not gone. Wish i was

So I took a lot of pain pills yesterday evening. I woke up at 1:55 am and I was sick. My stomache was in unbearable pain. Nothing helped it. My mom came in with me at like 2:50 and was with me. She asked me questions and I would hold up a thumb for yes and down for no. She asked where it hurt and all. I thought I was going to die. I thought of my whole life and how I have things to live for. I have a boyfriend. I have parents that care. I have a sister that cares. I have God who cares more than anyone else in this world. I have the fam. I have the boys. I'm not ending it yet. Some might say I'm an attention seeker. I don't give a damn thing what they think. They can think all they want. I'm not an "attention-seeker" no matter any circumstances if anyone self-harms they are not an attention seeker. Believe me I know I've been called one my whole life. I've been called worthless, a bitch, a whore by my own family, hell I've been called a skank by my own family. I still love them even after everything that they have put me through. My friend flushed my pills the other day when I was at her apartment so I wouldn't take them. The only reason I wanted to take them was because my boyfriend and I were facetiming and his friend was wanting to self harm with a knife. I told him no and how I have experience. I then slipped out how I was going to end it at the sleepover with pills. My friend got them and flushed them. I cried myself to sleep that night. She still didn't tell anyone. She's an amazing friend and she said she'd kill herself if I did. She doesn't deserve to die on me. My boyfriend said if I cut then he cuts, if I die, he dies with me. He threatened to call his uncle who is a police officer to come get me and take me somewhere safe. I'm never gonna be safe. As long as I'm alive I'm never gonna be safe. I love you all. Most of your messages have made me cry they were so sweet. I just thought you should know I'm alive and well I just have the flu from it.

Chase just broke up with me. That makes everything worse for me. It makes me feel like it's all my fault. Maybe it is. He said it wasn't but I know it was.