I'm sorry

#5sosfamsilence

So I don't know but I was gonna end it like two weeks ago. It didn't work. I took the sleeping pills and woke up later the next day. It was before school so I sat and cried. People say telling your parents can help. If I told my parents they would send me to an asylum. They think that anyone who cuts is seriously mental and is sinning. My parents cause most of my cuts. I'm sorry but I'm gonna end it on New Year's Eve or sooner. I'm gonna try to update daily from now to then. On New Year's Eve I'll be at a sleepover so no one can stop me. I'm gonna cut deep and take some pills. I'm sorry to everyone who tried. I know deep down no one loves me. They all pity me and look down at me. My sister knows everything except for the harming and suicide attempts. I'll be 13 when I die. I won't die in agony. It'll be happy for me. Anything that will get me away from this hell hole. I'm sorry. I love the boys even though they don't love me. I mean who could love a screw up like me.

I once heard a quote from a friend of mine from Ashley Purdy of Black Veil Brides

"Suicide isn't cowardly. I'll tell you what's cowardly, making someone feel so bad that they would want to end their own lives."

I know this and have been told over a dozen times that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and it gets better.

I've been only getting worse. I'm scared of what might happen if I do live yet I want to live to see it. I don't want to live yet I feel like I could. Deep down I feel like there is a reason to live. I know I won't be able to hold on.

People say stuff like "How can you tell all these people your story and all. They don't know you?" I can tell you all because I know some have dealt with this.

If anyone is going through this leave me a message in my inbox. I'll reply back as long as I'm alive. I'm gonna have a friend run my account when I'm done.

I'm sorry.
I love you all.
I love you Ashton.
I love you Michael.
I love you Calum.
I love you Luke.
I was gonna see you at rock out with your socks out in Charlotte, North Carolina.
I truly am sorry.
I would never ever wish depression or suicide or self harm issues onto anyone. It's not something people do for attention. It's something people do when there is no one else for help. It's a coping skill. I agree it's not the best. It's not the worst either.

Before I go.......

Happy early birthday to Calum, Ashton, Luke, Michael. I know your birthdays are a while away but I'm not gonna make it. I love you all even if you didn't love me back.