The Long Lost Mafia Princess

Chapter 47

It has been a couple days since we started everything.

A few days ago we also went to the psychologist, and again, we didn't talk about my past yet. I don't know how to feel about that. Like I'm glad that we aren't talking about that yet, but at the same time it's just scary knowing that it will come by eventually.

When I woke up a few minutes ago, Allesandro was already gone.

He was probably already at work or something, the idea of one of my brothers sleeping with me every night was awesome, I haven't had any nightmares yet which I'm so so grateful for.

I am now in the bathroom, getting ready to go to the gym I always go too.

When I got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair, I walk out of my bathroom, got my phone, AirPods and went to the gym.

When I arrived, I walked inside and ran on the treadmill until I fell down, after that I did some more workouts from YouTube for another hour.

When I knew that I couldn't do anything anymore and fell down, I stopped and walked back to my room to shower.

The gym and eating has been working I guess.

I do feel healthier and I am starting to get some more muscle.

That doesn't mean that eating hasn't been hard though.

In the last couple of days, I've had a lot of breakdowns because of the eating, but it's been getting better not much but just a little.

I haven't been feeling numb and haven't cut, I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

When I do feel a very big desire to cut and just almost feel myself getting pulled to the knife like metal does to a magnet, I work out until I fall down.

I noticed that when I start my day by doing this too, the urge gets less, it's not gone but just a little less.

And even though it's just a little bit, it helps....a lot.

The others don't know that I'm starting my days like this, but it can't be bad..can it?..

So by them not knowing, I work out with one of them everyday too, but with rest days, which I don't take myself.

I tried to do one rest day, doing completely nothing. It didn't end good.

I needed to be with one of my brothers or I was going to slice my wrist by the urge.

It's difficult, it really is.

But I need to remember to try.

Every time I think I can't do it, I tell myself to try.

Just try and see what happens.

You can't know for sure that you can't do something unless you try it.

That day, I did try to cut.

But when I had the knife in my hands, inches away from that skin...my skin.

Everything came back and...I just couldn't do it.

Zane's face when he saw me.

The disappointment from the others...from me....

I couldn't do it.

Even though I wanted to do it so bad, I couldn't.

I felt the knife get closer like the metal on a magnet and couldn't stop it.

I needed to do it so bad, needed to feel the pain.

It had been one of the most difficult days of this process so far.