Jamais Vu

Chapter 43

"My god," said Hoseok. "Your scar..." he trailed off.

"It was as I told you. It was an accident," Sunhee stared blankly at the curtain as she recounted the event. The nightmares were not as frequent as before but they haunted her as the anniversary of the tragedy drew near. Time lessened the pain but didn't erase what already happened.

"Was that why Youjong thought you were dead?" asked Hoseok, referring to her former manager who now works with the agency as a stage manager.

"I didn't know what happened after I was unconscious. I guess she was the one who found us and called for the ambulance. I never saw her after that. As you can see, my mom and I survived. Both of us moved back to Daejeon right after," Sunhee drew her head back to the wall and realized Hoseok was next to her and he was holding her hand. When did that happen?

"You're not responsible for what your father did."

"That's what everyone said. All the what-ifs and whatnot. If I didn't come home that night, maybe my dad won't go overboard, but then, my mom might end up dead too. It was really driving me crazy."

"You went through hell."

"I was in denial for quite some time. My dad abused my mom for so long and I didn't see it. He was verbally abusing my mom when I was growing up – I didn't know it was even an abuse until I spent some time sleeping over at my friend's house when I went to culinary school after the tragedy. The abuse was upgraded to physical after I left home to become a trainee. My dad did that to my mom but I was always his princess. His treasure. He never raised his hands on mom whenever I was around. That night was the first and the last I saw that side of him." Sunhee paused as she ran her fingers through her hair. "I wasn't able to dance nor sing after that day," informed Sunhee.

"Was it because of the injury?" asked Hoseok.

Sunhee laughed hollowly. "It wasn't because of that. Do you know that every time a girl group debuted from that agency, my mom would be hit for no reason? My dad blamed my mom for making me weak and not good enough to debut. I hated myself for that," said Sunhee without any trace of emotion as if she was talking about someone else.

"Did your mom tell you that?" asked Hoseok.

"No, she didn't. I found that out from her best friend. She went through all the pain because my dad said a perfect family image would help me to become an idol. You've met my mom. She was brainwashed for years to be snuffed out from her real personality. I couldn't forgive myself for that. She stayed because she wanted me to achieve my dream as an idol. All the while I thought she hated me. She was never welcoming when I came home during the trainee years. It was because she didn't want me to see my dad became violent. He never did in front of me, but the stress of city life was getting to him when they moved to Seoul."

"Was that why you went to culinary school?"

"No. Originally, it was another form of therapy. I wasn't able to see a knife without getting an attack after that. The psychiatrist helped me to numb the effect it could have on me.  She recommended me to learn using a knife safely to overcome it. I joined in cooking classes. It helped me a bit with the blood part as they sometimes use red food colouring. I somewhat find peace through food preparation, so I got enrolled in the full course after that."

"You're great at that too," commented Hoseok.

"That night, dad hit my mom because he accused my mom of cheating on him with the delivery guy. His jealousy was out of control. Mom fought back after all those years and was leaving for real. My dad snapped." Sunhee paused. "I'm actually scared," said Sunhee after a moment, taking her hand from Hoseok's and pulled her leg up.

"What are you scared of?"

"They say the chances are high that the cycle will repeat for the next generation who live through the abuse," Sunhee buried her face again. By saying that she indirectly insinuating that she might end up being abused by her other half. The person she was with at that time was Hoseok.

Hoseok felt the guilt sweeping him. He was no different than her dad when he accused her of cheating with Jaesuk. He didn't blame her. He knew he ruined it big time and he couldn't say anything at that moment. She didn't need his words, and he knew whatever he said would seem empty if he tried to convince her he would never do that. He already hurt her with his words and kisses.

"I messed up. I am sorry for that," he started. "I am not proud of what I did that night and my behaviour was unforgivable," Hoseok felt choked up for what he was about to say. "I lost my head and I hurt you."

"Can you handle being with someone with that kind of trust issues?" Sunhee felt a huge lump in her throat, but she really had to ask that.

The question was hard on him. He took a deep breath before answering. "If you can't get back with me because of that, I'll leave, but if you think what happened to you in the past is going to change my mind about you, I want you to know that I don't care what other people might think. I only care about what you think," he continued, leaving the decision to Sunhee.

Sunhee was quiet again. It was a while before she said something. "I can't give you my answer now."

"I respect that. You can think all you want," said Hoseok. "Do you remember the wish that you still owe me back at the storeroom?" he turned to Sunhee.

"Yes," replied Sunhee warily wondering what he was up to. After all the time he was with her, he was finally mentioning it again. He didn't use it on the day at the bakery when they first met again after their trainee years.

"I'm using it now."

"What would that be?" Sunhee hoped he wouldn't use that to get her to stay with him. That was just so mean.

"I wish that when you decide what you want to do with us, you're doing it for yourself. Not me, not other people. You."

"Is that even a wish?" Sunhee can't help but felt touched by his gesture and she knew she couldn't think that well at that moment. "It's not even for yourself."

"You're more important and I'm using that for you."

It was hard for her and she felt like breaking down. Sunhee took a deep breath and asked, "How long are you giving me?"

"As long as you need. I won't push you to a decision."

"It could be a while," said Sunhee.

"Then a while it is," replied Hoseok.

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Author's note: 

What Sunhee has is Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

The plot became heavier. It is as heavy as my heart when I kept on second-guessing myself whether to get this up or change the plot altogether. PTSD is no joke and I have to thank a friend of mine for the help - you know who you are. I hope I'm not offending anyone with this chapter.