Journey Series: Ellick

I'm Still Here

Eventually, they had laid back onto the couch. He knew he wasn't going to fall back asleep. He felt Ellie try to stay up, but eventually, he felt her nod off. He replayed the screams and smells and sights that had assaulted his sleep. His nightmares were never a decisive memory, but a horrific blur of years of experiences. His fingers had laced themselves in her golden hair, a habit that had becoming calming for him since those nights at the diner.

He watched as the rising colors of the sun slowly painted the grey walls of his apartment. When his internal clock pinged 0600, he slowly moved out from under Ellie and slipped into the bathroom with a change of clothes to shower off the stench of his late-night struggle. He was showered and changed before five minutes had passed. He sensed that Ellie had woken in that short time. He heard the lid of his garbage can open and shut, then the clinking of silverware and running of water. He was apprehensive about leaving the bathroom. Where would he go? What would he do? He knew that Ellie would probably want to talk to him. But that was the last thing he wanted to do. Grudgingly, he recalled the psychology woman's words, "Find something to do that will let you talk or even just think about the things you desperately want to keep locked away... trust someone enough to talk to them." Then his resolution in the rain to jump in head first came. He steeled himself. If this was what he should do, then he'd do it. Taking a deep breath, he made his way back to the couch and sat down. Not a minute later, a shadow behind him, a small movement to his left, and the shift in pressure told him that Ellie was there. Her cold, small hands wrapped around his arm. He tensed, then cringed, but he couldn't help the reaction. She didn't react. She just scooted in even closer, resting her head on his shoulder. "Hi," she said softly. "Hi," he replied. His voice was choked and gravelly. "Do you want to talk about it?" "No, I don't" he replied. Not sharply he hoped. But she didn't leave, she just said, "I'm still here if you change your mind."

The moments passed them by. Her warmth was intoxicating. He shifted slightly to look at her. I love you, was the wordless realization he had in that moment. He'd known since the moment he saw her really, but always to scared to even think that way. But she had stayed. She had stayed. Stayed for him. She wanted to help. She wanted to be there for him. He had always believed from experience of a different kind, that good relationships were built on hard honesty. Whether that meant the truth was hard to hear or say, it didn't matter. Not that all of that came flooding back to him in that moment. It would have been too much.

But he did say, "Ellie?" She shifted to look up at him. "I don't want to tell you. But I need to."