Journey Series: Ellick

The Whole Truth

Nick POV

Once he got started, he just couldn't stop. Sometimes he feared that this was too much. But he was beyond the point of no return. And if Ellie really wanted to be there for him, then she deserved to know the whole truth. It hurt his cultivated undercover skillset to its core that everything he had trained for was now being pushed onto the back burner. Yet, his heart and mind were beginning to feel strangely light.

"When I was five my dad left..." he had began. He started at the very beginning, leaving nothing out. Growing up, left wondering what he had ever done that would make his dad want to leave. Feeling like less of a man because his dad was never there to nurture him or teach him even how to shave like the other boys his age. How growing up with Sophia by his side had served as a good distraction. How falling so madly in love with her that the holes in his heart had actually begun to fill. Then when she was suddenly gone, he felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest. That had begun his search to fill the gaping hole. He enlisted as soon as he was out of high school. Following the end of his deployment he had stayed away from Florida and drifted to D.C., finding himself at the N.C.I.S. training academy. There he had discovered his knack for undercover tactics. As soon as he was out, he was in. Eight years undercover, all the while each assignment held a duel purpose: a successful result and somehow filling the hole. He described every individual horror that he remembered so vividly in those eight years. Then how discovering the attack on his sister's family, even after all he'd seen and had to do, was even worse. Coming back after eight years to a place not indefinitely coated in sand. And had rain.

He smiled when he recalled that moment in the alley when they first met. And how his life had changed dramatically by joining the MCRT. But with that came new struggles. Having to remind himself that he wasn't undercover, that he could let people in and they wouldn't get hurt because of him. But only because they didn't know who he was. No amount of telling himself that it was okay was ever enough to convince him. So he was there, but he wasn't. He felt like he was in the midst of an identity crisis. At the time he had 16 false personas, and 1 real one. He couldn't remember which one was real. He was always great, just great. But then something would happen. There was Reeve's death that sent him spiraling. Her going under the surface of the water and not coming back up. The baby. The biker case. When Phineas had gone missing. The Merriweather case. That day trapped in the cells. Then, his last case.

He had realized just how far gone he had really been. The hole in his chest had still been there through it all, radiating pain. "I knew that I cared about you, a lot, but it scared me that I cared so much. And that you cared so much, barely even knowing me. It's weird. You all knew me, at least you thought I did. But the moment I started going feral, even Gibbs backed off. I knew I had to leave. Even if it didn't fix anything, I just needed to not be around people I knew so well. I can't really explain it that well. I just couldn't stay."

He'd been talking for almost two hours straight, but was nowhere near being done. He went into every little detail about his last undercover operation. What he saw, what he heard, what they did to him. How he was so scared when she came out of nowhere, he though he had either gone crazy or was about to die. He hadn't given himself enough time to recover, and so was back in hot pursuit before he even realized it was the wrong choice. But he focused solely and only on the mission. It was a success.

It wasn't till he got back that he started having the panic attacks. Since his early undercover days, nightmares had been there. He thought of them as the occupational hazards of the job. But now that it was all over, it was all he could think about it. He felt like he was walking through the days in a fog, trapped in the past. Which was why he had let her come over. Why he was telling her this now. "I told you I was pressing unpause. I'm still sticking with that. Because if there is anything you know about me, you know I mean what I say. But I've been diving in head first, because its the only method that seems to clear my field of vision. Even for a little while." After a pause he said, "So, I guess you know the whole truth now."

Ellie POV

Ellie was reeling. She had not thought it possible for one to experience so much and even still be breathing. But even more so was the fact that Nick had actually opened up and told her everything. She believed it when he said that she knew the whole truth. There was no way he would lie.

It was a lot. But it made sense. Everything made sense. "Thank you for telling me," she said. He smiled weakly. "Really?" "Yes," she replied affirmatively. "Because now you don't have to do this alone." He looked stronger, and was sitting taller. Like innumerable chains and weights had just dropped away. There was a new confidence in his posture and a clarity in his eye. So it didn't surprise her at all when he asked, with a tone that rang with boldness and freedom, "Will you do something for me?"

"Anything."