Can I just be alright for a little while?

10. Little stalker

But I directed my face into the crook of his neck instead, pressing my teeth hard together. Fuck. I can't risk it. I can't risk the friendship we have. I wasn't sure what Jay was feeling or thinking, but he wrapped his hands around me again and stroke my back.

"Fuck I'm sorry..." I whispered against his neck. I was so embarrassed. I don't want to use him to forget my pain. All the feelings were just messing up with my head. I wanted him bad. I felt like I needed to be touched but it shouldn't be him, even tho I wanted. Fucking hell. But I wasn't moving myself from his lap either.

"Don't worry about it" Jay whispered and I heard his breath in my ear. He was still so calm. Like he was not bothered by the fact that I almost kissed him at all. But in my head I was killing myself with different things. Mostly because of the urge I had to kiss and feel him. Why he had to be so perfect?

"We should get going soon.." I then tired to focus on something else. I couldn't keep thinking about his lips on mine or body against mine even tho the last one was quite hard because I was still pretty tightly wrapped around him. I could feel his muscles through the fabric.

"We still have little time.. No hurry.." Jay whispered and I pulled away from his neck.
"I should fix my face.." I then stood up and walked to the bathroom, leaving him there to cool down about the almost heated up situation I managed to create.

The fuck I was thinking anyway? He wasn't exactly pushing me away either and I still had no idea what his hand was doing on his little hike it took on my leg that night. What is he doing with me? I looked myself from the mirror and shook my head to my reflection.

"Heidi you are so dumb... Fucking idiot... " I whispered quietly and reached for my eyeliner to fix the wings that were little messed up because of the tears. I did not return to the living room right away and to kill some time I reached for my phone from my back-pocket.

Alina: Heidi? Answer me! What happened between you two?

I had totally forgotten Alina.

Heidi: He stayed a night with me... Nothing like that but.. I am having weird thoughts about him and now I almost kissed him. Fuck..

And another thing that came into my mind as I saw the Instagram icon on thenotification bar. One new follower, Joel of course, little stalker boy. Then I opened the picture Joel had tagged me. So classy mirror selfie, me chilling on the background.

Joelhokka Best place in the city! Thanks @DeadlyH!

The picture had like way too many likes on it and the I noticed the blue ball behind his name. Who the fuck is this guy? I clicked to the profile and saw that he had a good amount of followers and apparently he sings in a band. No wonder he could sing and play so well. A lot of selfies. Some even topless. Some with his bandmates. That kind of neighbour then.

Alina: HOLD ON WHAT?

I closed the Instagram and answered to my sister.

Heidi: Nothing happened...

Alina: I think you shouldn't ruin what you have with him

Heidi: Well I'm not going to.. Just my head is playing tricks on me..

"H?" I heard Jay asking behind the door. I put my phone away and opened the door. The man looked me a little worried. I looked at him but quickly removed my eyes from him. I felt so stupid. Even tho nothing happened but I kept repeating in my head how I should not let this affect the relationship we had.