Can I just be alright for a little while?

43. The right time

Sitting here with Joel, in the candle light, drinking wine and eating everything good and better felt nice but a little unreal, but that just based on the fact how things have been with us. It gave me hope but it also made me feel so stupid. The whole time it was him, fighting Aki, even Jay. And I did not see it the way I was seeing it now. He had done so much for me, for a totally random girl who he just got to know. I felt so dumb pushing him away so hard but in the end he really seemed to be the only one who really cared about me. The way he spent days and nights with me during this past two week means so much to me and thanks to him I was still alive.

"What's in your mind..?" Joel asked quietly and poured some more wine for us. I sighed and leaned on my left hand. My mind was so busy once again. So much had happened during such a short time and my heart was still aching because of all the pain that poor thing had to go through.. Why was my heart punished because of my brain's stupid decisions?

"I don't know.. I still have the feeling like I am not enough... There is something wrong with me because it is not normal to have this kind of life...Like.. Have I done something so wrong that I have earned all the shit that had happened. I'm nothing, Joel.. I still feel likeI am big fat zero.. " I said quietly and sipped the wine. Joel placed his glass down and stood up. First I thought he went to get the next bottle because we were almost done with the first one, but for my surprise he came back with an acoustic guitar. He crossed his legs and looked me for a moment, pushing some hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes and adsorb the warmth I got from him. I loved the way his soft fingers gently caressed my cheek. It was one of the few good things I had left..

"Stop being so critical about yourself, Heidi... Don't think that you're not enough or that you're not normal.. There is nothing wrong with you.." he whispered and a random tear fell down my left eye.

"But that's how I feel, Joel.. My life has been throwing so many lemons at me that it physically hurts.." I quickly wiped the tear away.

"I know Heidi and it sucks.. But you're perfect.. "

I looked the man next to me and he started to play with his guitar.

"You have what they don't, your heart is true
So dry your tears and let it shine through
'Cause you're amazing, look at you smiling
And don't change anything, there's no denying"

Joel sang quietly. His voice was just amazing and I tried to smile. This man was really giving his all to make me feel a little better.

"You're beautiful, you're beautiful
And don't ever listen to what they say about you
You're perfect just the way you are
You will never be anything like them
And the strength is in your heart, whoa
You're beautiful, you're beautiful
You're perfect just the way you are

You're beautiful, you're beautiful"

No one has ever sang to me like this.. Trying to make me realize that maybe I wasn't that ugly and terrible person like I thought I was. But I still found it hard to think I was beautiful. That was something I never thought I was. Never. There was always someone who was prettier, hotter..

"Don't put yourself down, don't let them win
They don't understand who you are
'Cause you're amazing, look at you smiling
And don't change anything, there's no denying"

Joel's singing made me cry. The tears fell down like no tomorrow and I wasn't sure why so I put the wine glass down and reached for a tissue. There was something in this moment that made me realize that maybe Joel was right. Maybe I was just enough the way I was.