Can I just be alright for a little while?

40. I love you

Joel had carried me to bed at some point because when I opened my eyes, first thing I saw was the sleeping man next to me. I turned around and got up from the bed yawning. The night was mostly sleepless but guess I managed to close my eyes for a few minutes... I sneaked out from the bedroom and went to the bathroom. After stripping off my lingerie I turned on the shower. I lowered the showerhead as much as I could and sat on the floor, letting the warm water just run over me. My head met the wall behind me and I closed my eyes. And I was thinking about having babies with Jay... Fuck this was painful.. My tears mixed with the water and I was hoping that all my sadness would just be washed away this easily but no. These scars won't heal. Only thing I could think was how to end this suffering? Who needs a broken soul like me? The feeling of being betrayed again made me doubt in everything I had. Was my name even Heidi? Was Alina really my sister? Am I even awake? Was this my home? My shower? The feeling of going insane felt sort of.. Pleasing.. I could imagine whatever I wanted..I could be who ever I wanted. Maybe I was delusional.. Maybe I was just fucked.

After I got out from the shower, I wrapped the towel around me and walked out from the bathroom. Since I had destroyed my phone last night, I turned on my laptop just to check if Rob had wrote me anything. I was a little worried about him too because he looked happy with Julia even tho it lasted such a short time. But there was nothing from him.

Heidi: How are you holding up?

Rob: Drunkenly.

Knowing Rob that was an expected answer. When ever life was hard on him he'd be drinking, for days. That was the similarity between me and him, we were searching answers from alcohol even though we knew that it wasn't helping much. Causing only more problems. I was thankful that Joel poured the whiskey away last night because otherwise I would be feeling even worse right now. He did not only pour the whiskey down the sewerage, but he searched the whole apartment if there were bottles hidden anywhere. And sure there was, few bottles here and there, but now they were all gone. I had nothing to pour my misery into and I had zero energy left to even go buy some more. Maybe it was better this way.

Heidi: I understand... Look.. If you wanna talk or something..

Rob: Yeah if I sober up sometime during the week.. I dunno Heidi this fucking sucks

Heidi: I know.. I know..

I closed the chat with Rob and noticed that Jay had written something.

Jay: H, babe.. I am sorry.. Julia has been like a fucking burdock for a weeks, constantly messaging me and trying to get my attention in IG and at the gym... I know that I should have pushed her away when she kissed me but it all happened so fast that I didn't know how to react.. I made a mistake and I know I hurt you but I really didn't mean any of this to happen... She means nothing to me. Can we talk, please..? You're the only one I care, Heidi.. Babe.. I love you.. I've loved you for so long but I did not know how say it.. I know this is probably too late but. I love you Heidi.. I love you...

I kept reading the message over and over again. He loved me? Too late..Too fucking late, Jay. He had his chance to push her away, block her, whatever. How can I be sure that he isn't lying? He knew I had trust issues. He knew that for me only actions matter.. People can say what they want but I watch what they do because that shows who you really are. Joel tried to kiss me few days ago and I still managed to stop him. Jay had the same chance with Julia. There was time to stop it. But no. He let it happen, right in front of my eyes.

My fingers were furiously dancing around the keyboard. The anger took me over and all I wanted to do was to scream but I didn't want to wake Joel.

Heidi: Fuck you Jay. You knew how bad I was hurt just a little while ago. You fucking saw how broken I was when I found out Aki had cheated on me. You're telling me about your feelings a little too late because last night all my feelings were flushed down the toilet again! I loved you, Jay. I fucking fell for you even tho I tried so hard not to. Eric was right.. You were only gonna play me. Use me... Rot in hell, please, and take Aki and Vilma with you too!