The Recipe of Us.

22 | stages of self-destruction

< "Trust is like a paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again." >

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I leaned over the toilet and released excess contents from my stomach. I groaned loudly as I stood up but doubled over and vomited again.

I didn't think I'd actually be sick, at least not today.

Memories of the last hour flooded my mind and I sighed heavily as I rested my hands on both sides of the toilet.

My hair fell forward as the sickness finally subsided. I moved away from the toilet and collapsed onto the floor on the other side of my bathroom.

I don't even know what I'm going to do.

I relentlessly ran my hands through my hair as I tried not to panic, but I couldn't help it. Lately I've been stressing a lot and it's not good for my health.

Looking over my shoulder every time I go outside because Nolan could be following me. Questioning my future because I dropped a my profession with no backup plan. Doubting my relationship because my boyfriend impregnated a random girl.

I finally hauled myself off the floor and cleaned up before trudging back to my kitchen where my laptop was open. I sat in front of my screen and contemplated video calling Avalon. Before I pressed the touchpad an ad appeared on the side of my screen.

'5 stages of self-destruction and how to deal with depression and anxiety.
Click the link below!'

Without thought, I shut the laptop screen and started walking in circles, deep in thought. I need to figure out what to do, how I feel, but that's just it.

I don't know if I'm hurt, or if this is just me repressing my feelings again. He cheated on me, and had sex with her, and he probably told her he loved her.

So why don't I feel betrayed? Why don't I feel the hurt that I know is killing me inside?

I busied myself with mindless tasks for the rest of the day and my phone rang about every 5 seconds before I gave in and turned it off.

I don't know who's calling and I don't care. Until I figure out how I truly feel, I can't talk to anyone.

After finally finishing, I took a long shower and changed into a pair of soft pyjamas. I stopped in front of my floor length mirror and tied my hair up before examining myself for no reason.

I released a shaky breath and slowly lifted my top to reveal my belly. I tilted my head to the side as I turned to look at my stomach.

I slowly rubbed my belly as my much larger problem became more evident. Does he deserve to know there's a baby coming? What if he wants a family with her and not me?

"B-But he said he loved me" I mumbled to myself. Trying to convince yourself of something when you know it's not true is probably one of the worst mind games you could ever play on yourself.

I sniffled and held back the tears. The thought was enough to shatter my entire being and I couldn't face that fear yet. I'm not sure what I would do if it was true.

I lowered my top and walked to my room to get ready for bed.

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