The Recipe of Us.

29 | as raindrops fell...

< "I don't regret you. I don't care about your worst. I remember how it began and how happy it made me. I won't ever regret you." >

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"Stay calm Riley," I said to myself as I blew out a shaky breath. My hair slowly, but quickly stuck to my neck as his headlights slowly disappeared.

He was my other half, this amazing being who made my life complete, to the point where I sometimes questioned if he was even real. And even though he's driving away from me, from us, he still feels like a crazy dream.

Gio is nothing like me. We were so different that a relationship could've never even worked; that we would've hated each other.

But honestly, the fact that we weren't the same made him that much more interesting.

After a while, I noticed he was slowly changing, becoming like me. Despite our differences, he was prepared to spend a lifetime seeing the world in the way I did.

The timing was wrong though.

I was in the coldest part of my life; a circling drain of frustration, loaded with past demons, hiding behind a mask of optimism, escaping the claws of my emotions.

My life was in chaos, with no goals and little memory of the past. I thought that his coming would solve the problem, but now I see how wrong I was.

I hate how he makes me feel: so full of love, devotion, and desire that he became a continuous need. I was addicted to him, and the thought of losing him nearly killed me.

I know people will never understand why and how I fell so fast for Giovanni Russo, which is why I have these conversations in my head; where the audience are filled with people that know what I'm feeling.

You can easily fall in love with someone, you can easily get attached, and it doesn't matter the length of time. When that person leaves it still hurts the same.

Now that I look back, I should've seen the signs, I should've realised that he wasn't okay. He was going through a lot and was still there for me, and I was undeserving and oblivious.

We've been pulling in opposite directions and I knew that I couldn't force him into truly loving me.

I was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I wanted to love him and I wanted him to love me back.

He was long gone and the rain slowed to a more gentle rain. I gazed up with my hands crossed against my chest, and the stars were a lot brighter tonight.

I used to go on walks with him in this rain. The kind that was almost comforting and made you forget that you was willingly getting yourself wet with clothes on.

Losing him, my entire world and the person I depended on for happiness, is hitting me a lot harder than I thought.

I can't hide behind distractions anymore.

He broke me and deep deep deep down I'll secretly always hate him for that. I was happy and content and like a tornado he came quickly, destroyed everything, and left just as fast. I need to heal, for myself, not just for the people I may meet in the future.

I have to start creating my own happiness.

I want life after him to be filled with self-discovery, enlightenment, change, a new lifestyle, new perspective, and newfound confidence.

I want to finally be in a place of contentment and decisiveness: knowing that where I am right now is where I am meant to be.

I want to be capable of true love and support, to someone that's willing to give the same.

I want to accept and grow from the flaws of my failed love and its lessons.

I want to be myself: the woman I tried to hide, and the woman that he loved, hidden beneath the facade of what I was trying to be.

I want to be me again.

But I can't tell my heart when to stop beating for the person who has long since stopped listening for its rhythms.

We met at the wrong time, and that's okay. I have to accept it, and I will, and hope that someday I'll be able to daydream about my first love and not be filled with pain and betrayal.

Someday I'll dream of having a family and not be scared half to death because of what he put me through.

I'll have moved on...

I desperately looked around for some kind of sign. My body screamed to let me collapse and lay on the ground until someone scooped me up off the concrete but I began walking.

One step at a time, I wandered aimlessly down the road I came from as thoughts of him swirled through my brain.

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