My Guard for Life

Chapter 35

Daddy's decision was so sudden. I haven't adjusted back here in the Philippines, and now, he wanted me to stay there in New York with them! I didn't know how to process it. I'm thinking about my passion, what happened earlier, and Pierre!

Lumabas na si Daddy sa kuwarto. I exhaled a sharp breath and messed my hair. Hindi magdedesisyon si Daddy kung hindi dahil sa nangyari. What he said was true, hindi talaga ako ligtas dito. Baka sa labas pa lang ng subdivision ay may nakaabang na sa akin. They were eager to hurt me! I shook my head. I need rest. Ganoon nga ang ginawa ko sa buong araw.

Three days later, I decided to talk to Pierre. I texted him.

To: Pierre

Can we please talk later? After New Year's eve. At the park.

Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin kay Pierre ang gustong mangyari ni Daddy. I tried talking Daddy out of it over dinner at eight in the evening.

"I'm not transferring my position to you. You'll study in New York again, majoring in business," panimula niya.

I wasn't expecting that either. I balled my fists.

"Daddy, I can't go back. I want to live my life here. I can be the president. Hindi naman tatagal at magsasawa rin ang mga tao sa 'kin."

Mataman akong tiningnan ni Daddy. He's getting older as time goes by. It pains me that instead of thinking about his health, dinagdagan ko na naman siya ng problema.

"I'm going to tell you, Daesiree. Once you're out of the public eye, there's no way of exit."

I know that. But I want to make things right. I want to write and publish novels with my own name.

"Daddy, please change your mind. I'll prove to you that I can be a writer and president at the same time."

Ibinaba ni Daddy ang kanyang kubyertos at mabilis na pinunasan ng tissue ang kanyang bibig. He stood up. I watched him lower his head to face me.

"As your father, I want you protected. People would probably stop harming you. But there are several ways to reach you. Your emotional and mental health will be at risk. You can come here again if you want. But for the meantime, I'll take you to New York."

I drew a sigh. I thought of Pierre and our relationship. A distanced relationship isn't for us. Moreover, we can't frequently communicate because people are apparently on social media platforms too. I can't visit here in the Philippines for, let's say...a year? I don't know.

Napasapo ako sa noo ko. Thinking about what will happen in the future is highly stressful. I was once a student studying the program I love, working, writing while being guarded by Pierre. I'm content with that life. I'm not asking for more. I'm not asking for people to love me. I didn't know what I did to be in this situation.

I'm forced to choose between my dream or Pierre. If I choose the first one, I should leave. And if I'll stay, I'll have Pierre back to me. Then I'll be like a selfish woman.

I'm the epitome of chaos. If I stay, hindi lang ako ang maaaring mapahamak. If I leave, I can pursue writing, prove to Daddy that I will be the president, and look after them. Even if I stay or leave, masasaktan pa rin ako. Masasaktan ko ang lahat. I came to realize that this was not the right time for Pierre and me. We're not for each other.

I rested for a few hours. It was twelve in the morning when I woke up. Malakas ang ingay galing sa langit. I looked at the window on the right side of my room. Naglakad ako palapit do'n at namamanghang pinanood ang magandang kulay sa madilim na kalangitan.

Firework is like a relationship, it comes with colors and so much light, but it will soon disappear—dull and dark—with nothing to hold on to.

When the clock hit one in the morning. I changed my pajamas to a floral robe dress underneath a white spaghetti dress top with silk shorts. Lumabas ako ng kuwarto hawak ang phone ko. I received a message from Pierre after I left the house.

From: Pierre

I'm here, baby.

It was a one and simple sentence that made my heart hurt. Sooner or later this will hurt more. Pumikit ako nang mariin, iniisip ang maaaring kalalabasan ng pag-uusap namin ni Pierre.

I saw Pierre outside of his car. He's reclining in the hood, his arms crossed over his chest and seriously waiting for me. When he saw me, he stood up properly. I bit my lip to prevent myself from tearing up. I half-ran towards him.

I quickly hugged his neck while he snaked his arms on my waist. I gasped with his heat. We're so close. We made eye contact for a few seconds before I tiptoed and kissed him lightly.

I giggled after that. We're here at the park alone. At that moment, I held onto my feelings. I gave in to him again.

He took me to the passenger seat and made me sit on his lap. His eyes looked dangerous when he untied my robe and threw it away. I gasped a moan when he brought his lips to mine.

It was painful with every touch, moan, and cursing. Because I knew this was the last time we would be close to each other. I'm choosing to leave Pierre.

"You're going back to New York."

I told him about Daddy's decision. I wanted to tell him the truth about why I was leaving. It's the least I can do for him.

"Yes," nanghihina kong tugon.

Nandito na kami sa bench. Medyo nanghihina pa ang tuhod ko dahil sa ginawa namin ro'n sa kanyang kotse. I cursed. Why am I thinking about that again?

"How about your dogs?"

Malalim at walang emosyon ang boses niya. Hindi ko inaasahan 'yon. I thought he'll go beg and persuade me to come with me.

"Take care of them for me."

I held a huge sigh. Ikinuyom ko ang dalawang kamao sa aking binti. We're sitting side by side and looking at the night sky.

"That's it?" he voiced out, devastated.

I lowered my head. "Yes. Everything is falling into place. You're doing great with your studies. Ate Avi got married. Mommy and Daddy will be together again. I'm the only one in...chaos." I raised my chin and faced Pierre, who was staring at me now. "We can't make our relationship work even if I stay."

He clenched his jaw. His expression turned untamed. "Because it wasn't one of your choices. You didn't consider staying. You know what's wrong with you?" he spat.

He ran his hands through his hair, bit his lip, and cursed. I sobbed in response.

"You didn't ask what I wanted for us. I'm damn sick of your selfless decisions, Dae."

Tears pooled my eyes. I couldn't stop it from falling. I covered my mouth, trying to quiet my cries. I shut my eyes and forced myself to speak.

"I don't deserve you, Pierre," I cried, stammering. I exhaled a sharp breath. "I don't want to drag you into my chaotic world. I have to do this myself, or I'll go crazy."

Dinala ko ang kamay ko kay Pierre. Hinayaan niya ako pero hindi niya sinuklian. I sobbed loudly.

"I have to do this myself. Let me have my peace back, babe."

Hindi ko na nasalo ang mga luha na bumagsak galing sa mga mata niya. Kaliwa't kanan ang kirot sa puso ko habang pinapanood siyang umiiyak. I cried when he knelt in front me. No....

"Hold me and don't give up on me, baby."

I shook my head. I cried my eyeballs off. Our cries were heard here at the park. My lips trembled. I closed my eyes when he cursed then kissed my forehead.

Unti-unti niyang kinalas ang mga kamay kong nakahawak sa kanya. One last tear fell on his left cheek. He lowered his head, and when he looked at me again, I clenched my fists and readied my ears. I knew at that moment, he'd finally give up on me too.

"You'll have it. Goodbye, Dae."

He stood up and put his hands in his pockets. He looked away, cursing. I hugged myself and stood up as well.

"I love you so much, Pierre. Goodbye."