Till The End

17

Warnings:
-Suicidal thoughts
-Chemotherapy
-Throwing up
-Panic attack

Clay's POV

I had been doing better the days after that. I slowly got used to George throwing up with my medication and today we lowered the calming medication a little to see if I would still do good without it.

Today was my last day of this chemo cycle and then I would have a scan again to see if my cancer cells did go down this time. I really hoped it did so I could go home for a little while waiting for my next chemo cycle.

I sighed as I looked at the IV in my hand. My chemo was over and I was cuddling with George who was feeling sick from his chemo. He had not been doing alright, he had an incredible amount of pain in his whole leg and often either cried or slept.

'Are you okay?' I whispered as he sobbed softly.

He shook his head and grabbed my hand. 'I have so much pain,' he cried.

'Can I see your leg?' I asked him. He nodded and I pulled the sheets away, lifting his sweats.

I looked at George's leg, seeing a really big swelling around his knee. His whole leg was bright red and really warm. I was pretty sure it didn't look this bad the last time I looked.

'Was it this red yesterday?' I questioned, having George open his eyes slowly to look up.

He shook his head with a tear rolling down his face. 'I'm in so much pain. The cancer is so strong,' he whispered.

I pulled his sweats back down and pulled his beanie off to run my hand over his head. 'I'm with you, don't be scared.'

He looked up at me and smiled shortly as he stared at me in my eyes. 'My goodness, you're beautiful,' he mumbled. 'Don't be insecure about having no hair, because I'm so proud to have you as much friend with or without hair.'

It caused me to blush and giggle shyly. 'I find you beautiful.'

George smiled and leaned in, pressing a short and soft kiss on my head after he lifted my beanie.

'I feel like we don't talk about this enough,' he whispered. 'But I want to tell you that I find you really sweet and I don't know, I just love the way you are and I love your personality. You're an amazing friend.'

I giggled softly and cuddled up with him. 'I love the same things about you.'

⚠️ Nausea/throwing up (second paragraph) after George throws up, Clay gets really nauseous too

George smiled, but then abruptly sat up, grabbing a bucket. Since my dad was currently eating somewhere else with Sapnap, no one was here. They would come back soon, but now I had to take care of George.

I felt more panicky than I used to be with medication but it was bearable. I held the bucket under George's nose and he panted. I saw sweat on his forehead and I wiped it away as he had to throw up. I took deep breaths and looked away as he threw up again, grabbing water to lay down in the bed again.

'Done?' I asked while hitching a breath.

He nodded and I stood up, holding the bucket away from me. I was walking to the toilet as I also got really nauseous. I sat down on the floor as my whole body heated up. Sweat rolled down my face and I started panting while my chest tightened.

⚠️ Panic attack (nausea)

'George- George!' I managed to yell as I leaned over the bucket too. 'My chest.'

George pressed the button and slowly climbed out of the bed, struggling a lot to walk to me. I saw he had a lot of pain but I was so numbed by fear that I couldn't help him.

George sat next to me on the floor while I started hyperventilating. 'H-help.'

'It's going to be okay,' George whispered. He sounded absolutely exhausted while trying to comfort me. 'I threw up and I'm still here. Do you think you can go back to bed?'

I couldn't answer because a panic attack overtook my whole body. I tried to stand up as sweat dripped down my forehead.

'It's okay, I promise,' he comforted me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

George was about to lift me up as a nurse ran in with Sapnap and my dad behind her. The nurse ran to me and lifted me up to carry me back to the bed.

I was not able to breathe anymore and got extremely dizzy while I didn't have a clear vision anymore. It felt like the squeezing hands were back around my neck and then I started crying.

⚠️ Throwing up

I felt everything I ate come up and I threw it up, screaming because of fear after that. The nurse immediately gave me water and wiped the sweat away from my forehead as Sapnap left to clean the bucket.

⚠️ Throwing up over

I couldn't stop panicking anymore. When I laid down on my bed, I continued crying and hyperventilating while George held me against his body. He was too tired to say anything and held his head against mine while stroking his hand over my back.

'It's okay,' he whispered.

'It's not,' I yelled. 'It's not!'

I wasn't even to be calmed down anymore and I ended up panicking so much that they had to hold me with a few people so I wouldn't run away.

⚠️ Over

I calmed down an hour later, but I couldn't deal with this anymore. I never wanted chemo again, I wanted this shitty cancer to leave my body and let me be happy and healthy, but I wasn't. I was far from happy and I didn't know how to get happy again.

⚠️ Suicidal thoughts

My depressed feeling went so far that I automatically started making up plans which I never thought about before. As soon as I was able to go home and I wasn't cancer free yet, I wanted to commit suicide. I was so upset and so scared, I couldn't do this anymore.

I was not going to tell anyone. However much I loved George, Sapnap and my family, I didn't know how to cope with my extreme fear in combination with chemo anymore. I had to end it.

Summary:
Clay throws up and panics so badly that he doesn't see a point in living anymore