Beast, Blood, & Soul

* 29 *

I returned to my apartment, alone.

I haven't slept alone once in the last week. For the last two weeks if we include the nights they started staying over as their animals. Gah, has it only been two weeks?

I shake my head as the tears silently fall. I walk into my living room and sit down on the couch and just stare at the wall. My tears get bigger and I feel like a big gaping hole exists where my heart used to be. Why wouldn't they listen? Why couldn't they trust me?

I lean over and my head falls into my hands and the tears fall harder, great sobs escape from my body as I cry out my heartbreak. I feel like they broke up with me, even if logically I know they didn't, it still feels that way.

I thought we were in this together, fighting for us, together. Why would they turn their backs to me like this? Why won't they trust that we will be okay?

I try to feel them inside. Feel that I'm not alone in this and the strands are silent. For the first time since discovering them, I don't feel them. They lie silent, no longer pulsing with their love and warmth and the occasional caress. It's as if the boys are deliberately pulling their feelings away from me. This leaves me feeling like there is a hole inside, absent and empty.

I cry harder.

I aimlessly walk around my apartment, tears falling, I can't sit still with the restlessness I feel as my tears fall and my heart breaks. I want to fix this. I want to make it right and knowing that I can't change their minds frustrates me and I continue to sob and cry. That the strands also reflect their determination to keep our distance just breaks my heart father.

Can't they feel my heartbreak through the strands? Can't they even reassure me in this that we are still together? Why do they have to separate us in every way?

I eventually crawl into my bed and cry myself until I fall asleep, exhausted.

When I wake, I look around and see that it's very early in the morning. I've slept the night through, but I'm restless and still exhausted. I go wash my face and see that my eyes are swollen from crying so long yesterday.

I take a shower and get dressed in sweats and a baggy shirt and feel completely unmotivated. I go look in my fridge for anything to eat and realize I don't have anything I want to eat, nor do I want to have breakfast with my coworkers.

Making a decision, I decide I need comfort food and my mom. I grab my purse and walk out to my car. My eyes look around, automatically sweeping the area trying to see evidence of my animals but there is nothing to see. I get into my car and drive to town.

I drive up to my parent's house and park behind my mom's car. I look at the house I've grown up in and the feeling of wanting to cry starts to overwhelm me again. I get out of the car and walk up to the door, sniffling, but holding back my tears.

The door opens and there stands my mom. She takes one look at my tear-stained face and opens up her arms. Without asking what happened, she takes me into her embrace and I break down and the tears fall.

"Oh, baby girl," she coos as she brings me into the living room and sits me down. I lay my head down on her shoulder as I sit next to her and let the tears fall. My dad comes in and hands me a cup of my favorite peppermint hot chocolate. I sit up and hold the cup and sip the warm drink that never failed to make me feel better when I was a child. I take a deep breath and take in the warmth from the drink prepared lovingly by my dad. I take a few deep breaths, pulling myself back together again.

"Feel better?" My mom asks.

"Getting there," I murmur. My dad leans down to give me a hug. He then stands up, "I have to head to the store, but you stay with your mom, she'll get you all better." He leaves a kiss on the top of my head and then heads out the door. My dad is an amazing man. He doesn't say much, but he's never failed to be the strength that mom and I needed. His trust that mom would make everything all right again made me glad that I came home.